Author: LoLo

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Mr. Jay shocks the girls by announcing that not one, but two of them will be eliminated before the final runway. I’m assuming the designer they suckered into agreeing to do ANTM refused to ruin his/her show with more than two midgets. Reason # 812,039 why I hope [...]

This week on America’s Next Top Model, I’m sad to report that no one drowns during an underwater photo shoot. “Oh, so THAT’S the difference between the labia majora and the labia minora! Thanks, Marisa Miller!”

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the girls travel to Hawaii, where Tyra finds the justification to offend as many racial and ethnic groups as possible within one hour. “Yes, this should be inappropriate enough to earn me some extra Google Search Results this week!”

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra keeps speeding up the typical timeline of the challenges and throws the CoverGirl commercial at the girls, which prompts one of them to have a meltdown of epic proportions. Love it. “BEN, this dress makes me look young and hip, right? Not to mention that it’s totally [...]

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Karl proves the only modeling job she should book is Mugatu’s “Derelicte” collection, and two girls don’t make it back on time from the go-see challenge. Place your bets now! The editors mistake one of Brittany’s protruding ribs for a nipple.

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the girls head off to Vegas where a fan favorite slips up a bit, and a dumb bitch thankfully goes home instead. “HAHA, BEN, you’ve got to be kidding me! For the last time, I do not have any weed!”

This week on America’s Next Top Model, we have to suffer through the CoverGirl makeup challenge (where unfortunately no one comes out looking like a clown whore), as well as through Tyra’s annual delusion that she’s a legitimate photographer. I really would prefer her to spend the rest of the cycle this way…

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the girls finally get catty and my friends can take a break from suicide watch as Tyra’s big yapper takes a backseat for once. Instead, we get an impromptu performance from The Supremes. “Stop! In the naaaaaame of Tyra!”

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra teaches us how to make up words. I can do it too! Let’s see… I’m going to take “awful” “arrogant” and “hypocrite” and what do I get?! TYRA! “She’s a sucky person!”

****And now please welcome LOLO back to the fold!! WE MISSED YOU BABE! Well, I gotta hand it to Flipit. Only two things would have forced me out of recap retirement: giving me an outlet for my Tyra rage or making Jeff from BB my personal sex slave. Because Technotronics is still safely sequestered in [...]

Last week on Gossip Girl, the goddamn blogging software ate my recap, hence me posting nearly two weeks later. We also learned that the rape gene is hereditary, people from Iowa are idiots, and that old people are full of phlegm. “But Dorota, I don’t want to follow the scary girl. I want to lick [...]

This week on Gossip Girl, Chuck teaches us it’s never too early for a line of coke, Eric finally says to Jenny what we’ve all been dying to tell her, and we learn that Jenny and Dan’s relationship is WAY grosser than anything between Dan and Serena, half-sibling or not. As if we needed more [...]

Happy 2009 and welcome to the first Gossip Girl recap of the new year! I hope you all had a fabulous holiday, and are as excited as I am for our favorite shows to get back up and running! Nevermind Chuck. He’s still upset he didn’t get that pony he asked for.

Two weeks ago on Gossip Girl (heh… sorry bout that…), a pivotal event shakes our UESiders, giving us weddings, funerals, illegitimate children and declarations of love. I haven’t cried this much since the last time I stepped on a scale. “I should have told you to eat shit with that licorice ring and married the [...]

This week on Gossip Girl, the show finally returns to form as Blair and Chuck are at their best, Jenny and Vanessa finally have it out, and our predictions look like they’re coming true. Plus: Extra Dorota!

This week on Gossip Girl, it’s Thanksgiving for our UESiders, meaning familiar faces are back, family drama is erupting, and Serena’s decided this is yet another appropriate time to dress like a high class hooker. “Here, Chace, if I make goofy faces too, maybe they’ll just think the Archibalds look goofy and not realize how [...]

This week on Gossip Girl, Jenny and Bart compete for the title of Dumbest Person EVER while Chuck is a worthy runner up. Seriously, I haven’t seen this much stupidity outside an episode of Big Brother in a long time. This isn’t so scandalous when it’s more clothing than she normally wears, anyway.

This week on Gossip Girl, we focus on Jenny for the second week in a row in this filler episode that hopefully is just setting things up for better plots to come. J Humphrey Designs. Call 917-VERY-FUG.

This week on Gossip Girl, Jenny’s mullet takes center stage as she befriends Mini Coop, shoots daggers of hatred at Eleanor through her raccoon eyes, and trades being molested by one creepily older dude for another. “Welcome to the NYC, bitch!”

This week on Gossip Girl, we have to deal with a lot of Vanessa, but the payoff makes it more than worth it. Plus, Dan is surprisingly likable and I get the recap posted at reasonable speed. All together now, Chair ‘shippers: “EEEEK!”

This week on Gossip Girl, a trip to Yale gives us catfights, secret societies, and a half-naked Penn Badgley. Not a bad week, friends, not a bad week. “Blake, Leighton, I said cut! CUT! Oh god, here they go again… Hair and makeup, stand by.”

So I know I totally dropped the ball on these I Want to Work for Diddy recaps. Sorry bout that. But since this week was the finale — and since Gossip Girl was a rerun, giving me more free time — I thought a final recap was in order. So who actually will work for [...]

Hey everyone! Your regularly scheduled America’s Next Top Model recapper, Hoolia, is out kicking ass interviewing for jobs that actually pay, so I’ll be subbing in for her this week. I’ll do my best to live up to the quality you expect from her, so without further ado, let’s bring on the vapidness! “Honk honk! [...]

This week on Gossip Girl, new friendships emerge, old friendships splinter apart, and Dan is one God-awful writer. I dare you to read this without wanting to stab yourself in the eye.

This week on Gossip Girl, the crew returns to school, and even with minimal Blair-Chuck interaction, we have the best episode of the season thus far! “You know, I’m getting really sick of how strict the dresscode is here, Dan.”

Another year, another Emmys, and another 3+ hours of my life I’ll never get back… Can you feel the excitement?

Well guys, since it’s already Sunday night and there’s a new episode on tomorrow night, this week’s extremely late Gossip Girl recap’s going to be dedicated to Hazel — it’s a midget recap. Blair needs to really reconsider her “O” face.

This week on I Want to Work for Diddy, Boris loses his title as the show’s sole bigot, Mike’s an idiot savant with the ladies, and we learn why the morbidly obese gain the weight. “Gah… blonde…. boobies…” Doing our country proud, boys.

This week on Gossip Girl, Nate takes on a part-time job, a new love trapezoid develops, and Serena & Dan unintentionally demonstrate the need for Lysol disinfectant wipes. Oh and this: “Hey Big Daddy…”

This week on I Want To Work for Diddy, the teams have to deal with Diddy’s tyrant of a mother as well as his menagerie of children, before treating us to the most bizarre and hilarious elimination ceremony yet. “Puff Daddy… P Diddy… Sean Combs…. can someone please tell me who this Walk of Fame [...]

It’s been a long summer, but finally — Gossip Girl is back! Nate serving his one and only purpose.

This week on I Want to Work for Diddy, the teams have to create Diddy-themed viral videos, reminding us why the best viral videos are accidentally and fortuitously captured, and not written by a bunch of “Apprentice” rejects. If Grimace and the Hamburglar had a love child…

This week on I Want to Work for Diddy, the teams hunt down international models too skinny to leave tracks and create an ad campaign for sunglasses no one who could actually afford them would buy. “If I put my arm around a transexual, does that make me gay?”

This week on I Want To Work For Diddy, Diddy tries to convince us that navigating a forest with just a compass and a protractor has something to do with being his personal assistant — while yet again refusing to make a personal appearance. Plus: bigotry, stupidity, and obesity. Try to match that, Trump! Here’s [...]

“Where’s my assistant? I need someone to unzip my fly so I can take a leak.” Hellllllo Gasmii! It feels so good to be back after 2 months of self-imposed recapping exile, and to be returning to a show as ripe for mockery as I Want to Work for Diddy. I love Diddy — he’s [...]

This week on Top Chef, Daddy Tom’s face says it all: “Wake me up if something interesting happens…”

This is it guys — the Top Chef finale! Who will win it all? Will it be quietly arrogant Richard, lover of puns, fauxhawks and molecular gastronomy? Will it be fan favorite Yoda, who has overcome her often-horriffic Quick Fire showings with class, poise and the most Elimination Challenge high finishes? Or will it be [...]

This week on Top Chef, the judges break into the Puerto Rican rum and make yet another baffling decision. <Sniff, sniff> Does anyone else smell that? Oh yes, it’s the stink of producer intervention. And/or Fleasa. Or possibly Richard’s eyebrow hair. American liquor stores just saw a 91% spike in business.

Here we are you guys — the Top Chef episode that’ll determine who will make it to the Final Four. Left in the running are Richard, Yoda, Antonia, Evangelass, and Fleasa. That means either Evangelass or Fleasa are going home this week, right? Right?! After last week’s elimination, I’ve learned not to assume anything, but [...]