Author: Monamonzano

Hey all! Sorry y’all don’t like my recap shit. Hey, know what you can do if you don’t like it? Don’t read it! Yeah, I know, it seems like a complicated concept, but it CAN BE DONE. I’m not going to appeal to everyone, and y’all may be secretly rooting for DJ Pauly to make [...]

Hey dudes and dudettes- Sorry for all the rape references last recap. I guess I was confused- I thought all these people were rapists! My bad! I will refer to them as cumbucket douchebags from now on. Kisses, Monamonzano Episode 2 of the Pauly D Project begins with them still at their douchey Rhode Island [...]

Pauly D brings the class.

the more i watch this, the more scared i get that some poor woman is going to be sexually assaulted at this thing. GUY’S CHOICE!

Finale Time!

Snapple: Celeb Apprentice Flavor

Home and Garden, look out!

Spencer? Tucked away in the porn house fingering his crystals. Huzzah!

Business as usual. This week on celebrity Apprentice, the guys and gals re-team and have to create an exercise class for 24 hour fitness. Rocksolid goes the rocker route, while Tenacity goes for buns and guns. Who will win? Who will  be asking rock of love groupies for favors? Will Holly’s head explode? It’s all [...]

Celeb App gets vaguely sexy. This week, the celeb apps get to make over some country stars. And we all know what a good C list country star needs: C list celebrities to make them over! Am I right? Oh yeah. So they get a girl and a guy and make them over, do a [...]

Making magic here at Celeb Apprentice! This week, someone leaves for “personal reasons” and the groups make commercials for rite guard. Still, the ladies and men are even because Sharon is dying and Cyndi- for most of the episode- is in Washington with president Obama. Yeah, poor Obama! Anyhoo, the dudes and ladies feel the [...]

Everything is hard. This week, our C list crew of misfits have to design an ad for Norton Antivirus theft identity protection. The girls really go for emotion, and the guys…really like words. Also, Blog is fucking incompetent, and we can’t WAIT to hear more verbal diherrhea from Cyndi Lauper. Am I right? Wohooo!

He’s ALREADY fired. This week, the two teams have to design a new marketing campaign for Kodak. Sinbad and Maria are the leaders and both have to deal with the apeshittery that is Cyndi Lauper and Rod Blag. For real, if someone doesn’t go crazy by the end of this season, I will.

Celebrity apprentice, now in weaselvision! This week, the motley assortment of tools break into groups, name themselves, have a baby that is a restaurant and one team loses. Can you guess which? Doesn’t matter- you’ll see a lot of ex-mayor Blago acting like a dipshit and Cyndi Lauper forgetting that she’s on TV.

I’ll miss you the most, gay gay gay Ben. Previously on Sexrets of Aspen (yeah right)…old bitches in hats and off the shoulder blouses. Some poor, some rich. Some ugly, some uglier. Oh, and lots of coffee beverages. How much damage can a bunch of old broads and one queen do? Well…we’ll see on the [...]

The holding room. Hope there’s enough oxygen for everyone. This week on American Idol, three rooms to begin with, but only two will REMAIN! Then, from those two, people will be systematically grilled and then executed. Kidding about the execution part. But seriously, they’ll be cut again to make the final lucky, high strung, constantly [...]

Puppies really know what team play means. Only the strong survive puppy bowl. Sure, some men like football and get drunk watching men in tight uniforms but the real heroes? Those who can endure the constant game of puppy bowlery. And yes, we have it here. So- I pose this question to you: Are you [...]

That tush is gonna get frostbite! This week, Laura and Gay gay gay Ben are still extra chummy, while Erin and Brooke are still in a fight with GGGBen. To show that they are educated, wordly ladies of the world n’ shit, they try to get Laura kicked out of the party, but can’t. Sorry, [...]

They’re coming… This week. Laura puts her talons back into Crazy Eyes Farrah Fawcett’s man, and is a fucking bitch. Meanwhile, Brooke has her 25th birthday party in a cement tower far, far away which turns into a drunkfest which turns into a cakefight which turns into Poor-y getting a hard-won shirt ruined. It’s ON!

We’re a modest bunch This week on Secrets of Aspen, Laura continues to be the uberbitch that she is by stacking the deck in her favor at a CHARITY AUCTION, where women and men get to bid on and DRAMA flies! Also, gay gay gay Ben stays sexually frustrated, being the only gay man or [...]

A Hooker? Like, what does that even MEAN? This week on SECRETS OF ASPEN, the episode is ALL ABOUT how everyone thinks Brooke is a hooker, but especially the gay gay gay cast member, Ben. Star and Poor-y don’t ask Brooke to be in the charity date auction because of this reputation, and instead take [...]

Yeah, we’re doing this. This week on Secrets of Aspen, we meet Erin, a truly annoying ass rich bitch who looks as if her mother was drinking and gestating. She comes to Aspen and goes fly fishing while making their guide wanna kill himself. Laura and Brooke keep fighting (yawn) and Kat gets ever the [...]

Laura, on her front. In this inaugural episode, Laura comes back to Aspen from (surprise surprise) Orange county and immediately starts shit up with Brooke, Googly eyes and some poor bitch Masseuse. At the summer celebration party, Laura ends her friendship with Brooke and takes Googly eyes’ man while Kat (the poor one) finds an [...]

The Jacksons don’t sell out, right? This week is an even larger, more heaping pile of ridiculous when the three Jacksons do what they can on their individual projects to avoid working together. Marlon tries to make a big ol resort with mechanical slaves and shit, while Jermaine pretends like he cares about Indian culture. [...]

What? We’re superstars! This week, more delusion in that the four Jackson brothers actually think they’re worth something. It’s sort of comical seeing them put together Michael tributes that fail and crack totally unfunny jokes, but on the other hand, I want to stab my television screen with a fork as I watch. Also, Jermaine [...]

But slacking is! The Jack5sons: to show you that Michael wasn’t the only fucked up one in the family. Also, to capitalize on their brother’s death. Yeah, it must be tough riding on the coattails of your far more talented brother’s success, boys. In this season and series premier, we see what Tito, Jermaine, Jackie [...]

I locked her in the car. I know this season was hard to get through, but we did it! We did it together! And somewhere along the way, lost some shitty characters like Bulimia, Troll and Holly. Ah well, better luck next season, bitches! This episode, Kristin says no to Justin then yes. Broahday says [...]

Stacie, I never knew you felt that way… This week on the Hills, we take it to the streets…the streets of Vegas, so that Kristin can get Justin out of her heart and…back into her bed? WHA? Crazytown. But even better, Paul Bunyan gives his expert advice on knowing if a girl is or isn’t [...]

This is what a no-carb diet and PMS looks like This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others’ businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 [...]

That’s my “bite your dick off” face. This week on The Hills, Kristin hones her man huntin’ by courting Brody and his plastic surgery mishap of a mother. Jayde and Kristin have a quasi-fight at the kids’ favorite hangout, Playhouse and Spencer doesn’t know about the human body, or the logistics of a vasectomy! Ooops! [...]

I kill pets. This week on the hills, Human Blow Up Doll has a birthday…what is it, 65?I can’t tell by your skin, which is a thin layer of makeup-coated latex. Kristin and Blah dead get into a half-assed fight, and Justin eats curb. Oh yeah, and Bulimia is a stupid, stupid bitch. Did I [...]

Cry, but do it pretty for the cameras… This week on the massive shitshow in my life that is THE HILLS, Kristin has a big ‘ol party and invites the usual gang of idiots. Justin says he’s not going to show, then does, and Kristin contemplates dating Brody…and vice versa after enduring Jayde’s gross face [...]

This Week: Zombie impressions, alcoholism and a lack of anti-frizz serum A personal triumph for me: I only puked a little today when writing this recap! I think I’m getting desensitized. Anyhoo, Kristin goes home to Laguna to make out with her Dad, while HBUD and Spence have growing concern with Holly being fucking cool [...]

For just 5 cents a day, you could take care of a Hill’s member’s costly feeding fee. This week on the hills, Brody has his 26th surprise party and I’m wasted for the occasionI Jayde gets pissed that Kristin is there, but then laughs when she gets beaned by a water balloon and by Justin [...]

This week, the girls get makeovers. Oh, the Hills. Where would we be without our regular dose of living assery? Probably not in MALIBU, watching this episode, where Justin Bobby finally puts his penis into Kristin’s vagina. Also, Blahdrina is boring and everyone else is dumb.

Spencer contemplating his own cultural relevance This week, the Hills Pills are back for season six, with just as much (if not more) staged drama than ever before! Kristin Calivarri returns to steal Justy Bobby and drama ensues with Blahdrina Dead Eyes and Stefanie “Bulimia” Pratt. Heidi and Spence go house shopping and Frankie the [...]

Forgo the diet for an EXTRA HELPING OF MORE TO LOVE! This week on more to love, fatass dreams do come true when Tali and Malissa meat Luke’s family (yeah, I’m hilarious) and then his mom, and go on a final date. Then, Luke picks out two wedding rings for dramatic resonance, but only one [...]

Operation Desperation This week, Hawaii and shitty tans! The remaining three ladies go on big ‘ol dates like ATVing (and no, it Isn’t MALISSA!), snorkeling and horsebackriding. Nah, just kidding! They ride dolphins instead. Yeah, I know, PETA, are you reading? Well, you should be. Only two women can move on to meet Lucky Luke’s [...]

Four ladies, Four rings. Lots of fuckin’ tears. This week, the ladies go on individual dates and…surprise surprise…meet their parents or relatives at the date. Sounds like a TON of fun. Drama amongst the girls and Malissa’s general deviousness make for another episode of…you guessed it: tears and hate-eating.