Author: O. Snapp

This week on MTV, two forces of evil narcissism joined in unholy, legal matrimony, and it was LC’s final (finally!) episode on this wretched show. But you know, for the season finale of The Hills, you’d think MTV could have conjured a little more drama over the course of a seemingly unending hourlong episode than [...]

Howdy Ho my little ‘Gasmic lovebirds! This week was the second-to-last episode of the season (and second-to-last for the remaining sane character on the show, LC) and it was filled with petty tiffs between frenemies and a 30-minute will she?/won’t she? concerned-look fiesta by Lauren over whether she’ll attend the wedding of the century. It’s [...]

On tonight’s episode of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer GET ENGAGED!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!! HOLY SHIT! Again?

Buenos dìas, ‘Gasminos! I’m back from my vacay with a collection of odd tan lines and a regret that I missed last week’s Crazy Eyes-off between Jayde and Blahdrina. But never fear – this week’s episode is full of exciting drama like… really bad hair accessories and psychotically mean smiles exchanged between idiots. Join me, [...]

It was a level-4 week on The Hills, as the girls crash the Brocation, Blahdrina hypnotizes Broday by swinging her tits in front of him, and Spencer and Heidi (thankfully) spend less time talking about therapy and more time talking about something you never thought they would: virginity. “You’re getting verrrrry horny…”

This week on The Hills, a lot of important groundwork was laid for later plot developments (because of tonight, we know that Lauren’s gonna have to fire her dipshit new intern and Blahdrina is TOTES gonna hook up with Broday), plus Spencer and Heidi hone their old-married-couple shtick by going even further than fighting all [...]

On tonight’s episode of The Hills, Stephanie gives the worst interview of all time (and yes, that’s counting Heidi’s interview at Fit’Em), LC proves she actually DOES have the capacity to forgive (or the devilish capacity to set someone up for utter failure), and Heidi does something we never thought she’d do. Unfortunately, it doesn’t [...]

Happy spring, my young chickies! Did you spend a long, bitterly cold winter missing the vicarious sunshine of Los Angeles, Lauren Conrad and her comrades? Neither did I. More importantly, did you miss me? Luckily, this week’s double-episode season premiere featured partial makeups, partial breakups, and an inexplicable overabundance of blow-up doll impressions by our [...]

Oh my sweet ‘Gasmini, I apologize for my extreme tardiness in recapping, but Jesus was totally on my ass to go to his birthday party this year and I had to oblige. By the time I write this, two “Hills” alumni have already launched their spinoff careers and Heidi’s probably looking about as fresh as [...]

Tonight is the puke-inducing episode we’ve all been waiting for. In the tradition of Luke and Laura, Monica and Chandler, and Trista and Ryan, one of television’s most beloved couples finally (finally!) takes that big plunge into the icy abyss known as marriage. At least symbolic marriage. … And the whole world threw up in [...]

“OMAHGAH I’m SO in LOVE” Did you ever have a class in college that you knew you didn’t need to go to, and you tried to only show up when there was going to be a review for an upcoming test? But you accidentally went a day early, and the professor gave an hourlong lecture [...]

Tonight’s episode of “The Hills” is one of those “fallout” episodes, one where everybody just talks about what happened last week. As if the rest of America didn’t just do that last Tuesday. In any case, one important question looms: can the soul-deep friendship of Blahdrina and Lauren possibly survive the crushing false accusations Blahdrina [...]

Oh my God, you guys. The unthinkable has happened. “The Hills” this week…….. was awesome.

“God, I’m exhausted of this nonsense.” This week’s episode of The Hills seemed like it should have aired two episodes ago, was fraught with truly awful vocal overdubs and even more plot-driving reaction shots than usual. A blonde trifecta is finally wedged into place at Casa deLC and some bullshit happens between the Aryan twins. [...]

Tonight on “The Hills,” we FINALLY get a blessed break from the frustratingly endless Blahdrina drama (Blahdrama?) as well as a sneak peek into the freaky Aussie fetish of one Whitney Port, who finds a male model just not hot enough and ditches him for a superhumanly hot musician. I mean, really, why settle? Plus, [...]

“Do I look like I give a shit?” Monday night, while the world was busy fretting up a storm over the Presidential Election, MTV hatched an evil-genius plan to sedate, confuse and stupefy any and all viewers who happened upon the channel. Distracted by shiny fake tans and retarded storylines crafted by a production intern, [...]

Dear Blahdrina, I know that, in today’s world, it’s hard for a woman to have it all – a career, friends, and a boyfriend who showers at least once a month and doesn’t cheat on you. But seriously, can you at least TRY to make it seem like you’re not being such a weak buffoon [...]

Tonight on The Hills, the whole crew (or at least those who matter) go to Cabo-Wabo to live in a state of constant inebriation and to happily witness the tension between Blahdrina and her alley-dwelling Romeo mount even further (and you didn’t think it was possible!). It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for since… well, [...]

On this week’s episode of “The Hills,” BLAHDRINA IS A DEPLORABLE DUMBASS. Which we already knew, but it became more unbearably evident than ever before. Plus, she goes through the whole episode looking like that chick Alotta Fagina from “Austin Powers,” with or without the buoyancy of water. Less awful and more fuckable than Blahdrina.

Would probably make a better Republican presidential candidate. Wow. You know, there’s nothing like a good verbal beat-down when it comes to protecting the honor of a weak living Barbie Doll. On this week’s episode, Holly Montag ups the ante on familial defense with her cojones of steel, Pigpen secures his nook in Blahdrina’s vagina, [...]

“So, here we are, frenemies.” This week on “The Hills,” nobody is dating anybody, LC doesn’t care, and Heidi is in perfect mental health. Yeah right! Join me, won’t you, to find out which blonde ends up with the sunlight streaming through her golden tresses as she sobs silently by the end of the half [...]

“If I tell you, do you promise not to tell?” Welcome, fellow haters! This week’s zany, WTF-filled episode posed an existential query to us all: Can “The Hills” exist without Lauren Conrad? (That’s like asking if the earth could survive without a vaguely boring, overly blow-dried sun to rotate around.) It also taught us a [...]

Welcome, everyone, to another fun-filled half-hour of uncomfortable reaction shots, listless wealth, and badly overdubbed audio, all presided over by the Queen of Meh herself, Ms. Lauren Conrad (‘n’ Friends!). Last week ended with a tear-filled reunion, and tonight will bring the return Pigpen’s douchiness (Hint: it was hiding under his goatee). Naturally, these people [...]

And neither do we. Previously on The Hills, Heidi was weak, Spencer was an intolerant brat, and LC was a frigid non-bitch. Tonight on The Hills, a double recap! Lucky you. Because I was surprised by the special new episode right before the MTV Video Music Awards, you get a double dose of my snark [...]

Well, with the Olympics finished and the DNC out of the way, young people had nothing else remotely political or cultural to do this week. So, they watched a bunch of blondies make scrunched-up, “hmm, that’s a shame” faces whenever they talk about how lame boys are, and Kelly Cutrone secure her position as most [...]

“Steady…. don’t make me laugh! Dead puppies. Baseball. The Montauk Monster.” I’m not sure if MTV is still promoting that whole “Rock The Vote” campaign, but if they are they’re doing a very bad job of it (I’m looking at you, Diddy). That’s because last night, as Michelle Obama and Ted Kennedy were giving their [...]

Doubtless many of you have been watching Michael Phelps and that Nastasia gymnast chick show off their hard-earned physical superiority over in Chinatown. But what you may have forgotten (and I’m here to remind you) is that there are people in this world who have gotten even further in life and in financial stability by [...]

“Are you saying you DIDN’T notice my Bling Hail Mary Glow?” Well, kids, it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions this season… we’ve been all over the world (well, 3 cities), leapt from internship to career (both with frigidly bitchy bosses), seen LC alienate and passively drop a best friend and roommate (sound familiar?), [...]

You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight’s show was one of those… only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we’ve come to expect. I [...]

“OH GOD I’m already sick of being on this show.” Welcome once again to the Fake Friendship Fest! Last time on The Hills, Audrina reunited with her scruffy ne’er-do-well, Lo showed her first buds of veiled bitchiness, and Heidi continued to be her usual “focus on ME, here, people” self. Tonight, it all (sorta) comes [...]

Somewhere, Lorenzo Lamas is turning in his fashion grave. Tonight’s episode of “The Hills” taught us that everything happens for a reason, and when one door closes, another one opens. Or, wait, no… actually, everything happens because your life is controlled by a television team and when one door closes, all other doors will surely [...]

“Riveting story, Stephanie. Do tell it again.” First of all, I’d like to say thank GOD this week we returned to the normally (blessedly) short half-hour episode. Much as I adore this show and all its brainless melodrama, a whole hour of it was starting to make my head feel all smushy. As of press [...]

“Sigh, I wish they would cast me some REAL friends.” Do you remember in seventh grade, when all the girls and all the boys started noticing each other, and people would kiss (or… you know… whatever) while playing “Seven Minutes In Heaven” at a party and by Monday morning everybody knew everything? Like one giant [...]

“Note to self: destroy guidance counselor.” Tonight brought us a special bonus dose of our bevy of beauties. We open at FIDM, where – wait, what? LC’s still in school?! She hasn’t been there in at least two seasons! I call bullshit. Sure enough, the teacher reads the roster in a heavy Bahstin accent and [...]

“Whoop-de-fucking do!” Here’s what makes The Hills fantastic: other shows typically edit out the blank stares and silences between takes and during other characters’ endless babbling. The Hills has managed to make an entire series out of these moments, cutting up and rearranging reactions (or non-reactions) into whatever space they please. This week we join [...]

Le Boogie Oogie. OMG you guys! It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, since the writer’s strike threatened to halt production… the return of MTV’s most celebrated ego-masturbationfest: welcome back to The Hills! Last time we saw our makeup-addled, uber-tanned heroines, LC was ignoring every guy in L.A. for Spencer’s boring-but-adorable BFF, Blah-drina was [...]

An even more unconvincing paid audience than the one from “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Dear readers, I will torture you no more with my withholding of the announcement of this season’s winner of “Beauty and the Geek.” No, I shall not bore you with my excuses of how I was unable to record the show, [...]

Okay, kiddies, this is it. Our social experiment has come to a close. Tonight is the season finale of Beauty and The Geek. Can you stand the excitement? Have the last several weeks of tension, cattiness and drama proved too much for your weak stomach? What do you mean, no drama except for one time [...]

Nast. Okay guys, tonight determined the final pair of teams for next week’s season finale of “Beauty and the Geek.” After all is said and done, I have to admit, I am pretty surprised at the teams that make it. The only way it would have been more surprising is if it had ended up [...]