Author: Schoonie

This week, on Survivor: CHOCOLATE IS THE ENEMY.

Tonight, on Survivor: Coach cries. Also some other stuff, but it’s mostly just an hour of crying. Oh, and also there’s a TOTALLY AWESOME BLINDSIDE!

Simpsons did it, Russell.

Tonight, on Survivor: James manages to ruin his entire reputation in the span of twenty minutes, and Rob gets the flu, and/or crybaby-itis. I have a feeling he caught it from James.

You guys, Survivor’s back! And this time, all of your favorite and least favorite people are returning! Again! For the third time! We’ve got a two hour premiere to get to, so let’s get rolling, shall we?

Seriously, can you stop talking about how you got robbed? I just want you and your tiny, tiny shirt to go away.

So we’re actually going to do things a little differently this year and start with the reunion, for a couple of reasons. For one, there’s actually more to discuss in the reunion than in the finale itself, and also I’m sure you guys are just itching to throw in your two cents on the outcome. [...]

Tonight, on Survivor: God is like “Yeah, this season sucks and I want nothing to do with any of you. If you need me, I’ll just be off SOLVING REAL PROBLEMS. JERKS.”

Tonight, on Survivor: it’s two episodes in one! Also, people finally figure out that it might be a good thing to get rid of Russell at some point.

This week, on Survivor: Shambo really, seriously believes that she is an instrument of God. She’s like Tim Tebow, but with less crying! Okay, with more crying.

This week, on Survivor: Shambo continues to find new and interesting ways to make me hate her; Russell would be pretty cool, if he would just stop talking so much; and John decides to grow a brain all of a sudden.

REMEMBER THIS FACE, FOR IT WILL SPELL YOUR DOOM, LAURA.

We’re doing something different and rocking the Photocap this week, because I don’t want you guys to have to wait any longer to discuss what turned out to be a totally rad episode. So, here goes!

Tonight, on Survivor: Shambo is made the leader of Galu. Yes, that really happened.

Tonight, on Survivor: The most miserable episode ever. You might as well ask me to recap Schindler’s List.

There are no Balloon Boy jokes in the entirety of this recap. You are welcome.

…..aaaaaand also letting them escape.

Tonight, on Survivor: This face. Also, white supremacists everywhere weep.

Tonight, on Survivor: Finger Guns, people. The line to hate this guy forms to the left.

Tonight, on Survivor: I’M NOT WATCHING LYDIA AND NATALIE ANYMORE! YESSSS! Also, some attention-loving jerk burns a few things.

Since we are hurtling towards what will very likely be an unsatisfying Natalie win, why don’t we all sit here and reflect on all the things we could have done this summer with the time spent watching this show? I’ll go first. Skydiving. A picnic with friends. Pilates. Hiking in the gorge. A tour of [...]

Tonight, on Big Brother: Jeff finally gets some booger. Sort of.

Tonight, on Big Brother: Kevin says lots of fun current stuff, Natalie and Russell get into a grammar rodeo, and most importantly: NO LYDIA. Huzzah!

You’re damn right there isn’t. GTFO!

Tonight on Big Brother: What came first, the chicken or the really lame egg competition?

Poor Michele, you guys.

“OMIGOD SHE’S TOUCHING ME WHAT DO I DO THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE AND I’M SO SCARED” He gets scared around girls, you guys.

Tonight, on Big Brother: This happened.

It’s reunion time! After this, we can all forget that Coach exists!

Tonight, on Survivor: The big finale. WHO WILL WIN? Yeah, there’s really no suspense about that this season.

Tonight, on Survivor: our long national nightmare is finally over.

Tonight, on Survivor: Coach shows us, in depth, what really happened with those Amazonian midgets.

Tonight, on Survivor: Sierra gets awesome all over Debbie and Coach. KICKED IN THE FACE!

This week, on Survivor: meet my new desktop background.

Tonight, on Survivor: Midgets try to eat Coach’s asshole. Oh, if only I were making that up.

Tonight, on Survivor: Things shape up to get nasty, but then: Joe happens. He is, like, a black belt in being boring. There are episodes of Masterpiece Theatre that are more interesting than Joe. I have seen documentaries about whittling that are more interesting than Joe.

This week, Survivor is back! Unfortunately, that also means that Coach is back.