Author: Schoonie

This week, on Survivor: Jalapao does me a solid. Thanks, guys!

You’ve got something on your face, there. This week, on Survivor: Coach is a turd.

This week, on Survivor: Girlfight!

Yeah, she is endlessly screencappable.

Long time, no see, bitches! Survivor begins anew on Thursday, and your trusty Schoonie is here to provide you with a preview of the 16 castaways that will be trying in vain to keep me from hating them for the next four months. Hey, did you know that the word ‘Tocantins’ is Portugese for “We [...]

I know! I was surprised too.

Tonight, on Survivor: Lots of bitterness! Lots of sweetness! And lost those other two types of taste buds that no one can think of, but I think are Skittles and Beef Jerky!

Tonight, on Survivor: “Wah wah wah, I’m good, you’re evil.” Um, no, you’re not.

This week on Survivor: Kenny does something stupid and Bob makes the most insane fake idol ever.

Okay, so Sugar might be sort of awesome.

This week, on Survivor: People referring to themselves in the third person. References to “keeping it real”. Unfortunate facial hair. It’s just like the San Francisco season of The Real World!

This week on Survivor: Crystal is surprisingly not terrible. I know!

This week, on Survivor: Kota wins again. It’s very lather/rinse/repeat, except with Fang it’s more like choke/scream/repeat.

This week on Survivor: the reward challenge pretty much dares you to “That’s What She Said” your television.

This week, on Survivor: GC continues to find new and interesting ways to quit. That’s tough to do, you know.

Fumbling around for grammar in the dark is hard! This week, on Survivor: Terribly Designed Challenges! Ineptitude! The Ranking of People According to General Worth!

This week on Survivor, people get the crap beat out of each other, rock a slip and slide, and are provided with detailed directions for no reason whatsoever.

Hey everyone. It’s time for Survivor again! After an excellent season of Big Brother this summer, I won’t be using this episode to wash the reality taste out of my mouth, as I’ve become so used to doing after these long, dry summers. I’ve also never been happier to have my HD television, although in [...]

I saw you with your pants down, and my soul made that exact same face.

Soooo…didn’t think I was going to have to call a priest over to my house this evening to exorcise the demon babies from my DVR. Thanks a lot, show.

Previously on Big Brother, all the jerkfaces were eliminated, and now there are five people left and I really like four of them. That’s not how it’s supposed to happen on this show! Don’t you know I’m supposed to despise every last one of you by now? DON’T YOU? Quick, one of you call somebody [...]

Tonight on Big Brother, we get to watch everyone get slammed into a wall over and over again. I wish this had happened in Season 8.

Tonight on Big Brother, Ollie makes out with his greatest fear. CAW! CAW!

Not pictured: jorts. Just like Jay-Z, yo

Happy Birthday, Keesha!

Tonight on Big Brother, everyone talks like an eight year old. “And that was FOREVER ago! And my dad could beat up your dad!”

“I’d better win, or the backlash will be legen….wait for it….” The list of Emmy nominees was released this morning. I was going to comment over on my own blog, but then it occurred to me that I could post my nomination recap on that…other blog that I write for. You know, the one that [...]

Hey everybody! Long time no recap. I am making my triumphant return with this season’s first live show, and we all know what that means: lots and lots of robotic laughter. Let’s get started!

Well, didn’t really see that coming.

Aaaaaand James can officially pass the dunce cap to Erik.

Lesson One: Do not try to steal Amanda’s boyfriend. She will make you pay.

Dumbest move in Survivor history? Probably still with James. But dumbest Survivor contestant ever? Yeah, probably Jason.

Do thirty sit-ups, or I will incinerate you. Julie Chen is totally rocking a pink sweatsuit tonight, which is how you can tell that she just got off a flight from New York, or has just returned from robot jazzercise class. After she copies and pastes the previouslies for us, we see Ryan nominate Sheila [...]

Am I the only one who thought this wasn’t really going to happen? Okay, so this season is now officially awesome.

Hey, a good episode! Imagine that. Not sunk yet.

We begin tonight’s episode in the middle of the HoH endurance comp. Man, this whole two episodes in a row thing means I’m recapping the whole competition. It’s like, how many different ways can I say ‘some losers prop themselves up in a box’?

OH MY GOD, RUN. First of all, Julie is dressed all abstract and deconstructed with all these wacky lines all over the place, and she’s had her hair cut. Do robots grow hair? Or did they just replace her whole head? Mysteries, they abound.

We come back with Malakal from the Tribal Council where Tracy was voted out, and Ozzy is in a particularly bad mood. He snaps pieces of wood into the fire and mutters stuff about how he “just can’t understand why anyone would think” he was the leader. Yeah, I can see why he would want [...]