Author: Schoonie

Previously, on Survivor, Jonathan’s knee was about to fall off, so he left. But Chet had an ouchie on his heel! Wah! Vote him out, before he gets scurvy! Look how noble he is for not quitting!

In the aftermath of the Matt eviction, Natalie tells us that she somehow “feels responsible” for his eviction. I’m sure he probably blames you too, because that’s just how he rolls. Sheila tells us that she’s going to “seek vengeance” for the eviction. She will do this by acting batshit crazy until everyone runs screaming [...]

We begin after nominations, as always. Sheila wants everyone else to “come through for her” and keep her in the game. Both Matt and Natalie are happy to be safe. This is news, people. They could be unhappy to be safe, much like roughly half the cast of Survivor this season, which has been filled [...]

We actually start at Airai this time, where Jason is whining about Mikey begin gone. Frankly, as long as Tracy (and maybe also Alexis) stick around, I could give a pants about any of the newbies. Jason seems like a whiner. He tells us that he hates the tribe he’s on, and wishes that he [...]

First of all, Julie has stolen a sweater from my grandma, but she’s wearing it with only the top two buttons clasped. It’s like she wants to be warm and cozy, but she also wants to dress like an East LA gangster circa 1994. If you look into her eyes, you can seriously see how [...]

This week, on Survivor: Tracy is totally awesome. Finally, someone to like!

After the nominations and the numerous flashbacks, we receive the following new information during the first five minutes of the program: Matt’s pants are dumb. Seriously, he’s wearing highwaters. I do not understand why people who know that they are going to be on camera 24 hours a day insist on bringing dumb things to [...]

The episode begins by flashing back to Alex and Amanda’s eviction. I don’t understand why people get sad after evictions. I know you’re in this hyper-emotional, summer camp kind of thing, but just sign some yearbooks and get the hell out, you know? Alex says to Matt, “Please avenge us, okay?” which, what is this, [...]

This week, on Survivor: Cirie makes me dislike a bunch of people that I used to think were awesome. Amanda FTW!

Hey! Schoonie here. I’ll be entering the Big Brother rotation beginning this evening, so there will be a whopping three of us covering the show from now on. Two are gay! One is straight! TVGasm has got to be thinking sitcom, right?

IS IT SAFE TO COME OUT NOW? So, you’re probably wondering where the Survivor recaps have been. The answer is: she stabbed them.

Hey everyone! Good to be back. It’s time for Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites and Jonny Fairplay. And you know what that means: time for more Yau-Man!

It’s finale time! You know what that means: ridiculous amounts of filler.

It’s cool, I’ll just go wait over there on the jury.

Which one is Hall and which one is Oates again? It’s easy to confuse the two.

So, I’m sorry for the late recap on this completely awesome episode of Survivor, but I am part of the recent trend of TVGasm writers who have been moving to new apartments lately and subsequently submitting their recaps late. We’re nomads! What can I say, we know no master. Well, except for this one.

This week on Survivor, Probst falls in man-love with James. Also, James eats enough to feed the current population of Sierra Leone for approximately three months. Did I mention that James is still on the show, even though he should have been voted out like three weeks ago? Because he is. And he’s eating everything. [...]

Seriously, is there anyone who knows what they’re doing this season? I’m starting to think maybe…no.

This week, on Survivor, it’s time for the merge. Also, they steal liberally from Big Brother, which means that the immunity challenge is fixed so that a Donato wins. Just kidding, CBS!

This week on Survivor, I get the recap up before the Third World War. No, seriously. Look!

What? The recap’s been here the whole time! You just have to rub lemon juice on the computer screen to see it.

This week, on Survivor: a panda deathmatch. Just kidding! But I totally wish, I’m not gonna lie. There are, however, people picking things up with giant chopsticks, because that’s the most Chinese thing in the world, besides the imminent threat of communism. Aaand I think I just got TVGasm censored by the Chinese government. Sorry, [...]

This week on Survivor, Jean-Robert gets his sexism on, James pushes some trees down with his bare hands and then gets a good dig on Courtney, and Dave gets more annoying. And the chick with the mullet has apparently been rendered mute.

Join us for another episode of Survivor, where the people who suck continue to suck, the people who are sort of cool get sort of cooler, and many, many boobies are blurred.

Welcome the inaugural panda! It’s time for Survivor again, people, and I could not be more excited. Let’s get to it!

Well, let’s get it over with.

Previously, on Big Brother: events required me to root for Jameka and Zach, because 1) Jessica and Eric sort of messed up a couple of weeks ago, and 2) America humbly requested that they do so. So now I have to root for the Big Brother equivalent of Whoever Is Playing The Yankees. So thanks. [...]

So, full disclosure regarding Janelle: I loved her in Season Six, did not love her in Season Seven. In Season Six she was smart, she was wily, she made up for her allies mistakes, and she was rude to all of the nozzles in the house, which was quite satisfying. In Season Seven, however, she [...]

Tonight, on Big Brother, dreams come true. My dreams. Amber’s will be coming true at a later date.

Tonight, on Big Brother, dreams come true. My dreams. Amber’s will be coming true at a later date.

Previously, on Big Brother: Thursday’s show aired. Afterwards, I e-mailed Flip. That e-mail said, “Wow, I’m really glad I don’t have to recap that. They are all really gross and I officially can’t stand a single one of them. Enjoy!” I think that pretty much sums it up.

Previously, on Big Brother: Daniele won HoH and nominated Amber and Jameka. What will happen tonight? I’m going to go on and speculate that the main thing will be crying.

AND ONE, FOOL! Previously, on Big Brother: America got Dustin evicted from the house. No, really, that’s how it happened. Then Daniele won HoH, and I was unhappy about it. Then Flipit moved into a new apartment when it was his turn to recap, and since he already did me a solid when I went [...]

Previously on Big Brother: Daniele whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and whined and whined. In between some other stuff happened, and it was awesome. Who will go home tonight, Dick or Dustin?

Previously, on Big Brother, the live show cut off in the middle of an argument between Dick and Jameka. And for those of you wondering why Kail wasn’t told about America’s Player and crying conspiracy or whatever, here’s your answer: she’s boring and no one cares.

The caption is not from the show, it’s just etched into the corner of my TV now. Previously, on Big Brother, I went to Lollapalooza for three days, and while I was away, the show got AMAZING. There were banners, and Dick went all insane and made me hate him even more, and Jen got [...]

Roughly translated, this tattoo reads “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH” After the nominations are announced, Jen sneaks off to the bathroom and quietly sobs. Look, people who hate Jen, she has emotions and is human! It’s like she’s trying to keep her emotions in check instead of spreading them all over the house like a crazy person. What a [...]

Did you know that being boring helps build muscle mass and strengthens your bones? This is also how Kail avoids osteoporosis. Previously on Big Brother: Dick was cool. Then he turned into a giant, grizzled freshman psychology major, pretending that he was the smartest one in the room while he waited for his RA to [...]

Previously on Big Brother: Everyone came to Amber’s defense because Jen had the nerve to, you know, play the game. What a bitch! You will be shocked to know that this made Amber cry. Man, I can’t wait for Dick and Joe to get all morally protective of Amber and yell at the electric company, [...]