Author: Screampiller

Well, friends, we made it. I can’t believe it myself. I’m still in shock that The Mole was actually revived in the first place. It was like Christmas, but in the summer, and instead of annoying songs and creepy Santas, we got anthropomorphic citrus and the irrepressible SmugJon.

You know what’s great about the Olympics? You can pick it right up and become an immediate fan, without knowing anything about the sport, and that’s okay. Whereas with other sports (cough, baseball), we’ve got terms like “bandwagon fan”, and then the inevitable scoffing abounds. I don’t know a damn thing about swimming, but I [...]

Hello again, folks. Again, apologies for the lateness, but now I am back from vacation and promise all sorts of up-to-the-minute Mole-y goodness. You don’t want to miss out on a single second of my completely off-base, totally wrong commentary.

Hey kids! Apologies for the lateness of this recap, I am on vacation and internets are sparse. Or a seagull stole my computer. Something like that. I don’t remember, I’m too drunk. Anyway, on to The Mole!

Everyone enjoy your week-long vacation from The Mole? I sure did. That was the most productive week I’ve ever had. But eventually I came to miss the smug tones of Jon Kelly, the hideous visage of a gasping Craig, the frantic, tortured ramblings of our beloved Mark. Back at it, you crazy kids!

This weekend I saw two grown men (sort of) down entire shot glasses full of M&Ms, followed by a solid five minutes of regretful chewing. It was awesome. And it was at a wedding. Clearly, you can see how this relates to The Mole. This week, we learned that people can pretty much argue about [...]

I have come to a frightening realization: I may not be qualified to be an expert on The Mole. See, I got engaged this weekend. I tell you this not to brag or boast or demand gifts (suggested donation $50), but to instead state that I had NO idea it was coming. I mean, I [...]

This weekend, a little boy came up to me on the subway and reenacted the entire Incredible Hulk trailer, word for word. He then said that he can’t wait for July 13th to see that movie. When I pointed out that it was already July 14th, he freaked out. Then he showed me some yo-yo [...]

This week on The Mole, we learned that the ability to squeeze as many idioms pertaining to the word “pig” into a one hour show is really an acquired talent. Those producers must have been up all night with their phrase dictionaries. “Guys!” one would yell, giddy with Red Bull at three in the morning, [...]

Greetings, fellow lovers of The Mole! Are you ready for some AWESOME MOLE ACTION?! MOLE!!! AHH! Let me explain. I LOVE The Mole. I’m not sure there is a bigger fan on the planet of this show than me. It is my favorite reality game show of all time. I’ve seen every season, developed an [...]

Congratulations, friends. You’ve made it to the end. No doubt you are now sallow, emaciated shells of your former selves, but such is the price one must pay if one is to sit through the entire season of Celebrity Apprentice. I myself am subsisting solely on a diet of beet juice and crushed almonds, and [...]

So for those of you on the edges of your seats wondering what happened with my Clogged Sink Saga, here’s the thrilling conclusion. The plumber came and was completely hornswaggled until a little investigation revealed the problem: nails and pieces of wood in our pipes. How did our pipes come to possess nails and pieces [...]

Listen well, my friends, for I have a shocking and compelling story to fill this introduction space with. This past Saturday night, a loathsome clog plagued our kitchen sink. After a run to the store for some Drano, the problem was seemingly solved, as the water went down and eventually disappeared. Great. Time to return [...]

This week I met a woman with a service dog, but she wasn’t visually impaired. Rather, she had a heart condition, and the dog was trained to be able to sense when her heart rate increased, and nudge her in the leg so she would sit down instead of passing out from a standing position. [...]

Yesterday I saw a woman fall down a flight of stairs and face plant into the floor. It was hilarious. After recovering from my internal fits of laughter, I went over to help her up and she was fine, if not a little bruised, disoriented, and humiliated. I sympathized readily, as I myself had just [...]

Know what I did last night? I went roller skating. At a roller skating rink. And hoo boy, it was a blast. It was as if the twelve-year-old hidden inside me suddenly broke free in a rush of fun, whimsy, and repeated travel around a wooden track in an orderly fashion. True, I got a [...]

Happy Valentine’s Day, kids. Sorry it’s a little late, but I was out of town, fighting a fire monster. Over the Himalayas. In defense of love. Or something. Either way, there’s a big basket of chocolates waiting for you when you get home this evening, darling, I swear! Anyway, at the end of this week’s [...]

So this is it, kids. Last episode of Friday Night Lights until…I don’t know. Now that the strike is over there are some disturbing rumors floating around that it won’t make it back. Hopefully they’ll be able to bang out some more for the spring or summer, or, failing that, at least return next fall. [...]

After all of last week’s Godfather IV ridiculousness, this week’s Celebrity Apprentice couldn’t really be anything but…well, let’s face it, equally ridiculous. Who am I trying to kid? This show is so beyond a caricature of itself. At least we got George Ross back this week! Oh, the countless weeks and years I’ve spent lamenting [...]

I feel like I should make some mention of the Super Bowl in this week’s recap of Friday Night Lights, but I’m failing to see any sort of connection. Friday Night Lights contains no football, and the Super Bowl contains no Tim Riggins. But you know what does? Snakes on a Plane. Seriously, he’s the [...]

With all of the hype surrounding this episode of Celebrity Apprentice (i.e. two hours long because The Donald DECREED that it should be so!!) I had no choice but to become mildly interested, if a little irked by the fact that I now have to recap two hours of crap instead of one. And I [...]

I don’t know if they’ve been doing this all along and I’ve just missed it, but last night’s episode of American Gladiators featured a cast list during the credits with the gladiators’ real names. The whole thing was at times intriguing (Justice’s real name is, in fact, Justice) and disappointing (Titan is just plain old [...]

Last night I had a dream that two really fat fourteeen-year-old boys got into my car and drove me around against my will. Then, once I finally managed to push them out, they reappeared in the trunk. Eventually I got used to them and we became friends. I think that there was a spaceship at [...]

This week on Friday Night Lights, we learn that all teenagers are jerks, except for those who claim Jesus as their homeboy.

This week’s Celebrity Apprentice finally ended the relentless parade of terrible dog puns. To fill the void, Gene Simmons stepped up to the plate to repeat the exact same five words over and over. And over. Still can’t quite recall what they are? Read on, my friends.

So I was thinking the other night, while catching a few glimpses of the very snowy Packers – Seahawks game and downing handfuls of fried pickles (don’t knock ’til you’ve tried), that it might be fun for our Panthers to take a field trip up to Canada and watch them run around in the snow. [...]

Before we begin this week, I’d like to draw everyone’s attention to a product that I strongly believe belongs in each and every pet owner’s home. Kitty Wigs. They’re pretty self-explanatory. They are wigs that you put on your cat. After attending to the various scrapes and wounds that your furious feline will no doubt [...]

We’re back! Hope everyone had a nice holiday. I did. I’m happy to report that in addition to a Crucifictorious t-shirt, I also received the Friday Night Lights soundtrack. I am UNhappy to report that the dang thing does not include the opening credits theme song. Who do I have to bang around here to [...]

Thought the holidays were over, did you? Wrong! You’ve obviously overlooked a festering little turd left in your stocking. It’s Celebrity Apprentice! I know, we all thought this tired show was done after the disaster that was last season, but it looks like Trump and the gang have been revived and stuffed back into suits [...]

I just rediscovered the lost magic of the lava lamp. It’s been sitting on my desk for quite some time, but I almost never think to turn it on. Now it’s back to full capacity, bubbling and swirling and glowing like it was born to do. You see, football is like a lava lamp… (five [...]

As there were no turkey emergencies this week, I sadly have no fun intro story to share with you. So I’ll just put up the link to the best Public Service Announcement ever. Thanks, Canada! See you in my nightmares! Or, should I say, Friday Night Lights-mares? No. No, I shouldn’t.

Dude, wait, Thanksgiving’s over? Damn you, tryptophan coma! Or: I meant to write this recap before I went out of town for Thanksgiving, but it just wasn’t in the cards. Also not in the cards: a stress-free Thanksgiving. Our oven decided to crap out halfway through the turkey cooking, so my sister and I were [...]

Sweet sassy molassy! I’m proud to report that Friday Night Lights was back in fine form this week. The Taylors were on fire, Buddy Garrity bought a pig, and no one Lieutenant Danned off the side of a boat. I officially declare last week’s trainwreck to be a complete fluke. Now let us never speak [...]

Ugh. That is all I have to say about this week’s episode of Friday Night Lights. Just ugh. I’m not sure what happened, but all of a sudden everything sucked. Except the Taylors, who were delightful as always. Everyone else – dead to me. I’m looking at you, writers. I know you wrote this episode [...]

This week on Friday Night Lights, we learned that Mexico + alcohol + teenage boys = hilarity. In fact, I’m heading down there right now. I’ve kidnapped a couple of good-looking adolescent lads, pumped them full of Jack Daniels, and plan to spend the next 48 hours being endlessly entertained by their antics. Go, drunk [...]

I happened to catch a rerun of 24 the other day, and it was one of the episodes at the beginning of Season 5, where Jack returns from living with that random woman and her stupid son. So Audrey, pre-mental breakdown, is flitting around CTU and is approached by this woman Diane, who wants to [...]

Well! The season premiere of Friday Night Lights sure did set off a lively debate. The murder plotline: liked by some, hated by others. Coach’s hair, however: loved by all. The Coach-hawk

Friday Night Lights is back! Anyone survive the summer without it? Not bloody likely! I, for one, barely made it out alive. It took at least a month after the season finale to wipe that PANTHERS WIN STATE grin off my face. And season 1 DVDs not coming out until the end of August? Torture. [...]

Well, here we are. A (more or less) unsatisfying end to a shitty season. What else can you say? The Lost finale schooled you, 24. It schooled you good. That’s not to say there was a shortage of hijinks. But the hijinkry just wasn’t as, oh I don’t know, groin-grabbingly amazing as it has been [...]