Author: SexyPanda

This little cutie is more interesting than the show. (Doesn’t that entice you click through and keep reading? C’mon, follow me!)

“Hello? Yes, I’m still a tool. Thank you for calling.” Hi all my friends, companions, and lovers! I mean, lovers of TV and friends of TVGasm, of course! Are you ready to pick apart this week’s Millionaire Matchmaker? The final episode of the season? Except for the LIVE reunion show this Tuesday? You are?! I [...]

Hola, ‘Gasmii! How was your week? Did you enjoy the big basketball heartbreakers? Watch Desmond connect past, present, and future? Take on a second job? Run your first half-marathon? Count three out of four for me, friends, which means I’m ready to relax and talk about some funky millionaires. This week, we have a chunky [...]

No, not that kind of Strom. Oh hi! Were you dating someone for the past month or two, content with how it was going, even if it wasn’t that exciting and you knew he wasn’t the love of a lifetime, but at least it filled a teensy little empty place in your life, for now [...]

Well, hello! How’ve you been? Did you abruptly stop eating red meat and move far, far away from that toxic oil refinery that loomed over your backyard? Did you run out and buy a hybrid? Did you find love? Don’t worry, none of those chumps did either. That’s why this show exists! This week, we [...]

Another week, another set of bozos. Welcome back to Millionaire Matchmaker, my ‘gasmic friends. This week, we meet a narcissistic gay entrepreneur who thinks he’s the organic bee’s knees, and we watch a ball-busting millionairess…bust some balls. I’m pretty sure these two won’t be counted in Patti’s “very high success rate”. Either way, it was [...]

Hello, friends! How’s your love life going? Are you rich and confused about what set of private parts you’d like to play with? Were you raised in the middle of nowhere and thus harbor a “strange is bad!” mentality? No? Well, then you’re better off than our two friendly millionaires this week. Patti’s gonna hook [...]

Welcome back, my ever-lovin’ Gasmii fans! Did you miss me? Did you miss Patti? I guess Lindsay Vonn and Apollo Oh-No! trumped millionaires making fools of themselves last week, but I sure relished the night off to sit around in my snowflake jammies, guzzling back a little too much chocolate wine. What, you hadn’t heard? [...]

I thought the other night was bad. I was reeling from watching LOST, and then I headed over to happy millionaire dating land, where all should be mentally well and socially skilled, right? To my horror, I was instead subjected to the blech that is Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis. You thought that I was joking [...]

Boy oh boy, how can we ever recover from the mess that Shauna hath brought upon us last week? It’s like no one will ever find love again! What is a millionaire to do?! Oh, stop, they just need to call Patti Stanger and, BAM, success. Right? Right. Bring it on, Millionaire Matchmaker.

Will we last forever? Do we fall apart? Sometimes, it’s so confusing, these questions of the heart. You followed me through changes, and patiently, you’d wait. Til I came to my senses through some miracle of faaaaaate. I was living for a dream! Lovin’ for a moment. Taking on the world–that was just my style… [...]

In her glory days in Minnesota What do you do when some crazy Botoxed cougar with a needle nose and death stare who’s previously been a big ol’ bitch to you comes back and supposedly wants a second chance? If you’re Patti Stanger, you bitch up and down to anyone who will listen, give Botoxed [...]

Hey, did you all think we were just about done with this Launch My Line mess? With all that “finale” talk last week? Me too! But this bitch is broken down into two parts. We won’t have any idea WHO gets to launch their crappy line until next week. It makes me want to cry. [...]

Last week on Millionaire Matchmaker, we met two business dorks who were very interested in finding love advertising their business. We also learned that Patti’s now engaged to her beloved Andy, and wedding planning is in the works. So what’s in store for us this week? A shrill little boy with teensy hands who wants [...]

This week, on Launch My Line, we’re down to the final four. We’re constantly reminded that the finale is next. The designers make clothes. Then they get judged. Folks, it really doesn’t get more interesting than that. My apologies. Also, I’m bleeding profusely from the bullet I’m taking for you. (Enjoy!)

She’s baaaaaaaack! Pecker!!! Oh, I’m sorry. Hi! Welcome to the third season of Millionaire Matchmaker, where weirdos with too much money and not enough sense get set up on micromanaged dates with models and pharmaceutical sales reps (or gay men)! Sure, the occasional normal person slips in, but that makes boring TV. Bring on the [...]

This week on Launch My Line, we are treated to a spectacular of color and style the likes of which we have never seen, the dawning of a new day of fashion. I wept! Yes, I’m reusing photos. Get over it. Or, ya know, somebody did a crappy job and went home. Let’s go see [...]

Happy new year, Gasmii! Hope you shooed away 2009 and welcomed 2010 in a truly spectacular fashion. I pulled a Feather Earrings and sage-smudged my person and my dwelling to chase out the bad juju. Gotta say, it’s been a good year so far. Sure, it’s only been a week. So, wait, you’re reading this [...]

Happy holidays, Gasmii! Did you all have a lovely holiday? I had to work Christmas Eve morn, which was only made tolerable by the cash bonus and free catered breakfast I received for showing up. The rest of the long weekend was the usual holiday frenzy where I gained ten pounds and held back a [...]

Welcome, friends and regatzi! We’re back with Launch My Line for another week of hilarity and art. Or frustration and cheap clearance rack designs. Or all of the above. You decide!

Welcome back, all! I see you all loved (or loved to hate) the first episode of Bravo’s latest adventure. I know many of you were sad to see Dan JuJitsu go, but them’s the breaks in the fashion merchandising reality show biz. (By the way, even if it’s not pronounced “karate”, I think it’s a [...]

***This week we will be celebrating the holidays with Christmas recaps. First up is SexyPanda with Shrek The Halls!! It’s Christmas, and that means the season of perpetual hope and peace and love and Baby Jesus and family and friends. OR…it means fights and crabby people and panic and anger and tears and bankruptcy. With [...]

What happens when you cross people who just barely want to be fashion designers because they’re bored Type A people who like to start hobbies and never finish them with people who ARE fashion designers already who apparently don’t have enough work even though they’re reported to be dressing big name doofuses? What do you [...]

Tonight’s our last date, hottie. Don’t cry, but Jessie’s realm as Lifetime’s Hottest TV host is coming to a close. Oh, and the women whose lives we’ve all become so emotionally invested in? They’re about to wrap up their 120-day weight loss mission AND complete their first triathlon. What did YOU do this Friday night, [...]

Welcome, welcome. We’re thundering home to the conclusion of our 120-day DietTribe weight loss journey. But we have a few pitfalls left to stumble through before we get there. Namely, softball camp, resort restaurant dinner ordering, photo burning, and surfing lessons. Exciting–and random–times. The lesson today, though, is that their former selves were holding them [...]

I got my flippy-floppies! Episode 6: Starting Over This week on DietTribe, we celebrate Stephanie’s 40th (on a motherf***ing boat) and Rita goes through some tough economic times. It’s a time of awakening, renewal. (Is it the makeover show I’m salivating for? no? DAMN IT.)

Episode 5: Greatest Fears Forgive me my trespasses, and also forgive me my delays. I’ve been in a booze and candy coma since the weekend, and those damn Phillies are keeping me glued to the television every night. Let’s hope these bitches kick some ass this week to make up for my tardies. And I [...]

This week’s episode of DietTribe is called “Intervention.” While I wish that meant we got to see some jerky footage of these women spazzing out while their families read sobby letters to them, it’s not. It’s more about intervening in how the women relate their weight loss to their families and manage their time. Boooooring.

Did you miss this last week? Ugh. This is the true story (true storyyyyy!) of five friends, picked to lose weight together and ogle a hot trainer, to find out what happens when people stop eating like crap….and start getting real. Or, according to the title of this week’s episode of DietTribe, it’s time for [...]

NOT eating cupcakes and drinking margaritas. Clearly. Did you know that when you’re trying to lose weight, it’s best to lose 10 lbs really quickly, and then make some excuses for your lost motivation while you guzzle booze and eat pizza? No, you hadn’t heard that? That’s because it’s NOT TRUE. Try telling that to [...]

****And now please welcome your newest recapper, SexyPanda!! It’s the second season of Lifetime’s DietTribe, where we meet the latest group of tubby friends to embark on a weight-loss journey. There’s no competition involved, and the women aren’t even that pretty. So why are you watching? The eye candy that is Jesse Pavelka? Cheap/petty jokes [...]