Author: TheNooch

I may be in Paris right now but I have some serious digs waitin on me at home. S.A.F.S (Sweet Ass Food Source) and my Me Daddy just bought a pimp ass house in Bel Air, the freshest neighborhood in LA. Not like this Beverly Hills bullshit. Those housewives are turning B Hills into a [...]

You know only the A-list celebs be havin my back! Jen-An (Jennifer Aniston) be tellin everybody to step off my S.A.F.S’s B (Sweet Ass Food Sources’s Back). “There’s nothing wrong with Kim Kardashian and all those people,” Aniston says in the documentary “$ellebrity” (via Celebuzz)… “If that’s how they choose to make a living, more [...]

You know how I said I wasn’t gon be on TV. I lied.  Ryan Seacrest be making some serious ch-change off my unborn ass. Watch out E! I’m bout to show you how it’s done! I’m hungry. Hey, S.A.F.S! Eat a burger! And some fries too! Don’t forget to supersize it! New trainer my unborn [...]

If I wanted my S.A.F.S (Sweet Ass Food Source) to get sound parenting advice, I’d send her uterus over to Dr. Phil’s soundstage. At least we get a paycheck. I sure as sh*t don’t see any money coming from you Snooks! “I recommend Kim to just don’t push it with the working and just relax [...]

No “Flashin’….Lights” for me y’alls! S.A.F.S (Sweet Ass Food Source) and my “Me daddy” says I gots to keep me under wraps. I totally understand. I AM a lot for the world to handle. Let’s give the public some time. Let me ease in this monsta’ balla’ prescence I have. I don’t want to put [...]

It’s sissy bitches like Kris Humphries that make me proud to say my “Me daddy” is KANYE! My sweet-ass food source be tryin’ to quit this guy Humpdump but he keeps whining about “the marriage being a fraud” and he can’t go on living without S.A.F.S annulling it. Wah wah wah you big baby. Just [...]

***Please welcome our newest contributor, the fetus of Kim Kardashian. He/she will be blogging here until birthing season. Embry-YO!What whuuuuuut! I’m Kimye’s baby. I could tell you my name but Kris has offers pending. Lucky for me, I got grandfathered into the Kardashian Dynasty and I am getting my own fragrance without even having to [...]

***Throughout this Christmas season, we will be eating and drinking our faces. We will also be posting recaps of the shows that are on as well as Best in Comments articles and Christmas recap reprints!! Enjoy this TheNooch classic!!!  “It’s a wonderful Lifetime.” With programming like this it really is. Really. There are 3 things [...]

Top 200 here we come!!!

The finals!!! Music to my ears! And Juliet’s hair is brown again!!! Everything good is happening in my life. I think it’s all coming together because of the Supermoon. I love how we recap the very recent past of these four finalists and every coach claims they’ve known from the get go that these four [...]

You know what I want to hear more than anything else in the entire world? I want to hear about how hard it is for these coaches to let go of people they don’t really know or care about because it’s soooooo much tougher than living in Africa without food for a week. If you [...]

We did it guys. We finally made it to regionals. And this time it’s serious. Wait sorry. That’s tomorrow’s Glee (also last week’s Glee and probably 80% of them before that). We are in the semifinals of the Voice. And miraculously there are actually the correct number of contestants in the semifinal round of a [...]

The results of your votes are in! I should hope so; I put all those votes for Raelynn in there hours ago. God I hope she makes it! JK, I’m all in for Adele #2. It turns out that Tony Lucca and Juliet Simms hit #1 in the itunes pop charts. They are an overnight [...]

Now it’s Cee-Lo’s turn to feel the excruciating pain that both Christina and Blake went through last week. A pain they barely felt and have totally forgotten about this week. The only reason they remembered to show up tonight was because there was the promise of Krispy Kreme Donuts at the end of the show. [...]

“Creepy Eden Wood of the future”- TheNooch #TheVoice Recap #url# @nbc @christinaaguilera

It’s getting down to the wire folks! All the judges are doing their very best to try to care about the fate of their team members but they just can’t muster up the strength. Christina really tries to convince us she is “sad” about tonight, but the only thing she is sad about is that [...]

After a billion years of explaining what happened last night, because no one in America remembers what happened 24 minutes ago, let alone 24 hours ago, we have a live performance from an actual real singer. Jessie J sings “Domino” with Team Christina. They sing the oohs, but the really sing them, not like Team [...]

I’m talking. You should really look at me. After about an hour of explaining about how intense the competition is tonight, we have to hear Adam talk, which is unfortunate. He doesn’t give us any new information and let’s us know that he told his team “to do their best.” Such insight, how could any [...]

It’s LIVE eliminations time and Christina’s boobies are back out to play! AND she’s magically tan! Carson has the most difficult job in television; asking the judges about their feelings and pretending he cares about their responses. Carson: “Blake, how do you feel about only being able to save one person tonight?” Blake: “It sucks.” [...]

Before we talk about any sort of talent on the show, I feel it necessary to discuss the ridiculousness that is Cee-Lo’s outfit. It can only be described as a “shabby disco” shirt he found in the Bargain Bucket the day after Halloween in 1993. I’m not sure if he’s trying to be John Travolta, [...]

Here it is LIVE PERFORMANCE TIME! Or AMERICAN IDOL ON STEROIDS TIME! First up in a roided out performance is Jermaine Paul! Jermaine sings Bon Jovi “Living on a Prayer”. There are two feuding drummers on pedestals that look like a pair of choreographed muppets and Blake looks like he chewed a stiff piece of [...]

James Massone vs. WADE Cee-Loc calls WADE “my man” and I suppose that’s true, James has not hit puberty quite yet. He gives them the gift of singing “True Colors”, truly appropriate for two males that are younger than the actual song. James is wigging out because he doesn’t know what to do with his [...]

THE FINAL BATTLES!! Just once, for one of these battles, I wish someone would pull out a sword and charge. James Massone vs. WADE Or The High School Jock from every 90’s movie ever vs. WADE.  Blake loves that James is wearing his own merch, which is musician-speak for another way to rip the audience [...]

Blake Shelton says that the gloves are coming off! Oh no that means this will not be a gentleman’s game. Nathan Parrot vs. Pip Adam lets these kids know that this battle is no joke, people can die…of embarrassment. And there is no worse a death in Hollywood. The shame! Nathan lets us know that [...]

This week is the most exciting part of the Voice continues: The Battle Rounds. I haven’t been this excited since I found out there was an automated Teddy Ruxpin! First Battle: Nathan & Pip. My instincts say that anyone named Pip would get his ass kicked in a battle. By nature, all Pips are scrawny [...]

Ryan sadly announces that someone had to be pulled out of the competition because… we’ll find out later in the show. What a cruel trick Ryan seacrest! You know full well all we want to see is the drama behind the elimination of whoever it is! But on to the baby pictures, because AI thinks [...]

The kids are singing songs from their birth year. Now I get to find out who’s jailbait and who’s within an inch of making me a cougar. Phillip Phillips: Not jailbait and probably the only one that doesn’t make a cougar. But boy does he make the lady bits tickle with his rendition of Hard [...]

This dress looks like a cupcake! Rachel and Kurt are looking at wedding dresses while Kurt keeps dropping not so subtle hints about getting married too soon. I agree. Rachel is not going to have the opportunity to be nearly as selfish as she would like should she have a mate sharing space with her. [...]

Way to go Glee writers! This was an episode to top all episodes! There were lessons, morals and more lessons. I feel like everyone could learn something from this episode. And talk about a cliffhanger!!! Before I go into it any further, I’ll just have you know that there is no resolve to the Rachel/Finn [...]

I forgot how important Valentine’s Day is to teenagers. This is what validates their existence before jobs and money. I’m so smart! I just spend 18 hours of my day thinking about Glee club and all my friends in Glee club and what we’ll do after Glee club… Mr. Shu comes in with the brilliant [...]

Is it just me or does Jeff Goldblum make everything seem right in the world? I think this episode would have benefitted from a little more Jeff Goldblum throughout. We could take a little breather from the high school drama for a little more magic from the Blumster. Not only was there Goldblum action, there [...]

El man-o ran-o to el marketa to buy-o el juice. Mr. Shu seems to have lost his touch as a Spanish teacher. When did he have it? In all the years he’s been teaching Spanish, he’s had to have learned some by now, even if only be association. Maybe you should spend more time creating [...]

What’s he doing? If you said bringing on the jam, you would be half right. This week’s episode of Glee made me seriously question Figgins as principal. How can he hire a Spanish teacher who does not speak a lick of Spanish? I know they live in Ohio where Spanish speakers don’t really exist but [...]

The girls are back in Glee club and they are happier than they have ever been in their short Ohio lives. The only thing that bothers them is that they weren’t able to participate with the rest of the New Directions as they sang a Michael Jackson song at regionals or sectionals or nationals or [...]

Glee takes on Michael and I couldn’t be happier! Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if they only did Michael songs for the rest of the year. There was so much drama in this episode I could barely keep it together as I watched. Sebastian has come back into the scene as a full-time asshole, officially raining [...]

Where were you when it all started? Apparently, everyone was 6 years old, sitting on the floor in front of the TV in their footie pajamas. Al least those are the people who openly and proudly admit they watch American Idol. All the 6 year olds of the world have finally grown up and are [...]

After a long time of forever’s Glee is finally back! I wish winter breaks were that long when I was a kid in school. I wish I were in school… The episode gets off to a rip roaring start with everyone’s favorite duet “Summer Nights”. If you have ever gone out karaoking and there have [...]

Well it’s back! Digging up alllllllll the freaks from the nooks and crannies of Savannah, Georgia. What an extravaganza this show has become! Such pageantry! My only regret is that the freak parade was a little light this episode. I wish they would have focused on the freak-a-zoids a little more, but I guess there [...]

We’ve had a looong break from Glee and now they’re back with a new episode! And only 4 short years later! After the dismal Christmas special that left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth and proved that Matthew Morrison can’t be trusted behind a camera, you would think they would really give an honest American [...]