Author: TripleThick

Great news, everybody. This episode will only be an hour long, so we can all squeeze in some Hurricane Nia before bedtime. This episode starts off like Tyson V. Holyfield, with slow music and footage of the contestants slowly turning their heads. If anybody’s going to lose an ear, I hope it’s Kree. That’s not [...]

Only one week left, thank Gokey. To remind us that this program is a joke compared to its competitors, Ryan kicks off the show by interacting with animated characters from a stupid Pixar movie or some crap. I’ve never heard of The Voice hawking Ford Pintos or the Who Framed Roger Rabbit prequel, which might [...]

Hope you all are recovering from Amber’s unjust dismissal last week. I’ve been so upset that this show was dead to me, until I remembered I have a recap to write.  Ryan starts off by welcoming the wise and professional judges, including a blonde Chaka Khan with plumber crack cleavage. He mentions that Mariah clearly [...]

We return for the results show after an episode that made everyone question their worldview: Is Randy Jackson not the prolific wizard of vast musical knowledge that we’ve always thought? Could a guest mentor be a better judge than an actual resting-on-his-laurels-for-over-10-years judge? Yes and yes, but I still think Harry Connick Jr. is kind of a [...]

Make some noise for your Top Four! Wait – Top Four?  Oh, that’s right. Last week was an effing joke and nobody went home.   But Babyface (or someone who looks exactly like Babyface) is in the audience, so that makes up for last week’s disappointment. Glad I can see you again, Kenny (get it?). [...]

  The one redeeming quality of this show is that I get to see someone’s heart shatter into a million pieces on live television when they learn that the most they have to look forward to is a three-minute song on a results show next season. Tonight, there were no redeeming qualities. Except maybe seeing [...]

  Another week, another jaunt to the children’s hospital. When this show isn’t cringe-worthy or mind-numbingly boring, it’s downright depressing. The one bright spot is Amber’s new curly ‘do. I’m hoping next week she’ll appear with a nose implant to further her transition into Barbara Streisand.    Amber, never let them film your right side. [...]

Welcome back, loyal viewer! The show starts with a pre-recorded video of the Top 5 talkin’ ’bout issues and how crazy-cool-medallions it is that they made it to the top five.  A few of them sneak in comments about how it was “America” that voted for an all-woman group. Seems a little fishy that AI [...]

  I’ll leave who the stupid hoe is up to you, but in my opinion, spelling the ebonics pronunciation of “whore” like a garden tool certainly qualifies one for the honor. So, there was an argument on the show last night. I’m not entirely sure what the argument was about – someone claimed they disagreed [...]

    Welcome back, fellow person who still watches American Idol.   So how does one go from the Top 3 to the Bottom 2 in one week? The performances weren’t any more cringe-worthy than they’ve been in the past. If the producers were indeed ballot-stuffing yesterday, I can’t say I blame them. The show [...]

  Welcome back, glitter fairies and unicorns and other things found in Ryan Seacrest’s underpants. This week, the Idol producers responded to the resounding criticism on the internet that all they play is Old Ass Music™ by deeming tonight Burt Bacharach Night. Before we dive into those groovy feel-good tunes, we have to revisit the [...]

  As you can see from the photo above, the dress code the producers issued to the judges was “Evening Gowns or Ratty T-Shirts from Urban Outfitters.” Nicki, always the rebel,  refused to comply. I hope they make her smell Laz’s pits for punishment. The Top 7 perform “Somebody To Love” by Queen. Sounds like [...]

 ”Wonder if Cee Lo makes more than I do?”   It’s been a long hard week of excluding Lazaro from group activities save for the occasional cruel practical joke where he’s the target (you know you’d do the same), but the finalists are ready to roll for Rock Week.  That’s right – Rock. No ballads, [...]

  The show opens with the contestants standing in two straight lines as Ryan goes into some bunk about how the contestants all “come from different backgrounds.” Yeah, they come from all different backgrounds besides the white male kind of background. Way to pat yourselves on the back for your behind-the-scenes race and gender orchestration [...]

Sugar Pie Honey Pile of Steaming Crap Cake. Great news – it’s Detroit Night! Coneys and urban prairie for everybody! Smokey Robinson is in the building, looking younger and fresher than Mariah Carey on her 43rd birthday. Vitamin C serum, people. I’ve been saying it for days (since I saw it on Dr. Oz). I [...]

A stutter and some tears = reality show Kryptonite. As challenging as it is to take an elderly gentleman dressed like the football team captain in a porno seriously, I appreciate Jimmy Iovine’s criticism of the judges’ lack of criticism. He thinks they go too easy on these people who couldn’t even hack it on [...]

Don’t cry. There are other too-hot-and-young-for-you fish in the sea.   Sad single Ryan puts on a brave face and shows up for work. Must be hough. Er, I mean, tough. But before we get to see our Top 9, we must endure Carly Rae Jepson’s faux husky sex voice as she moans and groans about soda. Sorry, sexy only works [...]

No urban hangers!!!!! Ryan kicks off the show, accompanied by ear-splitting decibels of teen shrieks.  I feel like I’m at a Michael Jackson concert in Belarus in 1989. Except it’s really a Bon Jovi concert in 2013. Again, I’m completely out of touch with what the young folk are into (or “digging with a shovel”, as I imagine they like to [...]

 She’s late, she’s late, for a very important show nobody watches anymore.   Our Top 10 has had a week off to play with their snap bracelets or listen to rap music or do whatever it is teenagers do in their free time nowadays. I sure know what ol’ Cotton Mouth Arthur’s been up to [...]

If anything’s askew, it’s Angie Miller’s hair. After the harrowing experience of having to hear songs by Fergie and Colton Dixon in the same week, our Top 10 are finally revealed.  Sick Human Being. With great skin. Is it just me, or does Ryan seem to really delight in the process of sending people home? [...]

RUFIO! RUFIO!   We’re back in Vegas for the Guys Semi Final Round. Yes, this is a rather effeminate bunch, but that’s why I love them so. Those Phillip Phillips/Kris Allen/Lee DeWyze types can eat a fart, as far as I’m concerned. Here we go!  Elijah Liu sings “Stay” by Rihanna – Close your eyes, [...]

***Please welcome your newest recapper to the fold to take over American Idol, TripleThick!! Since there are 500 hours of Idol a week until the top ten or whatever, we’ve asked TT to just give us her quick impressions of each singer! Full recaps will start with regular performance shows!    Ryan greets us at [...]