Author: T.Vo

Previously on Heroes…the episode had a semi-legible title. This week, I give you “Eris Quod Sum,” which is Latin for “Yes, We Have No Bananas. Just Creepy Old Men. And Badass Sylar.” Oh, also “You Will Be What I Am.” What am I? Soon to be unemployed, so I really hope you won’t become that. [...]

Previously on Heroes, Vortex Man sucked himself into the mystery place, which also doubles as a halfway home for those stray socks eaten by your dryer, Meredith got trapped on the dusty set of the ‘N Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye” puppet music video, Parkman learned that his subscriptions to JDate and eHarmony were a waste [...]

This week’s episode of Heroes, entitled “Angels and Monsters,” calls to mind every single cliché frat/sorority party theme I have ever been subjected to, including “CEO’s and Office Hoes” and “Mermaids and Seamen.” Let’s pop our collars and do this! I said pop your collar.

Yatta! I did it! I finally found a job that absolutely fits me and is willing and able to pay me more than packing peanuts and boxes of Mike&Ike. Oh wait, the economy is going to render the future job null and void (I was silly enough to choose “journalist/writer” as my career), and now [...]

Oh lawd. The Butterfly Effect strikes again. Don’t worry. Not that one.

You know it’s bad when your laptop virtually screams, “You’re killing me, Smalls!” with the blue screen of death. I will return you to your regularly scheduled recaps on Monday once I finish playing catch-up with Heroes. What day of the week is it? What’s my name again? Why do we love? Let’s blame it [...]

Clearly, ‘Gasmii, I couldn’t stay away. I’m back. Sylar’s back, and hopefully you’re back at your work computer, snacking on some Twinkies or Pringles and pretending you care about unlocking more Excel spreadsheet functionality when you’re actually reading this. Because Tim Kring decided to doubleteam me with back-to-back hourlong episodes for his premiere-a-palooza, you’ll have [...]

Yes, this is the world’s gayest gecko. It’s Do or Die week here on Celebrity Circus.. At least that’s what Pudgy Fatone is telling me. Oh, but it’s also Judgment Day according to Louie. But things here just aren’t what they used to be. Peter Brady had to drop out of the competition and now [...]

And now he’s in me, always with me, tiny gangsta in my hand… Dear juddfan and mullymoon (No doubt LeeH has stopped reading to do something productive like watch Paula Deen on Food Network), Congratulations! You are the only two people to ever read this. I am so glad I didn’t apply to grad school [...]

Antonio Sabato Junior wants you to STOP watching this show. Celebrity Circus, you’re like the ultimate cockroach. You resist radiation, survive FOX’s attempts to kill you by way of lukewarm ratings, and thrive despite Joey Fatone’s penchant for dressing like a total assclown. May you be plagued by a thousand violin-playing midgets on flaming tricycles [...]

“But Daddy, you said this was Hannah Montana! WAH!” Last week on the first episode of the fifth ‘Gasm show that starts with the word “Celeb,” I was reminded that things could be worse. I am pretty sure none of you are watching this show. I could be recapping American Inventor all over again. I [...]

“No one warned me about the cameltoe.” Jesus tapdancing Christ. How is Ryan Seacrest suddenly plump, brunette, and bearded? Oh hai, Joey Fatone. I briefly thought this was an episode of N’SYNC’s greatest hits revisited (I’d call it “Behind the Bye Bye Bye”), but it’s all coming back to me. American Idol is over, but [...]

Hey! T.Vo and Flipit here with a live blog of the finale! HOLLAAAAA!!! And now! For the last time this season! THIS! Is American Idol! Spoiler alert! Donna Summer wins!

American Idol + Recurring Extended Boxing Metaphor + Jock Jams (“Are You Ready For This”) playing in my head nonstop = Seabreath not having a chance to say “This is…American Idoooooooooooollllll!” But I’m not entirely convinced that Michael Buffer on the show is a good thing. Just a regular ole’ meeting of NAMBLA. We’ve got [...]

I’m feeling irrationally, excessively emotional (fluctuating between depressed, elated, constipated, frantic, and resigned) so it must be that time of the month week again. Thanks for visiting me, American Idol! Cramps and bloating are a bitch.

America learns the proper way to give a hickey. Dear Seabreath, Why does my vote matter more this week? It would only matter more if fewer people were voting, but that doesn’t appear to be the case since you claimed that 45 million people voted last week. I may be the only Asian kid alive [...]

“These faces have been on your screens for over three months. You know more about these tools than any other season. You are voting more passionately than ever, but one of them has to go.” For a second, I thought Seabreath was breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to me. I was so startled [...]

Don’t forget the Jabbawockeez are America’s Best Dance Crew, dawg! Dear Judges, Andrew Lloyd Webber wants his masks back. This is American Idol goes to Musical Theater Camp, where anything goes!

The judges react to Mariah Carey’s lesser known hit “Ken Lee” Now that’s it’s down to 7 mostly blah contestants, we’re losing some steam here on American Idol. Seabreath walks past a somber lineup of the leftover contestants like they’re labor camp prisoners waiting for their daily ration of bread and lashings. It’s better than [...]

Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for? – Robert Browning I openly mock people who print out motivational quotes in Comic Sans font and post them on their walls. I avoid the Maya Angelou section of Hallmark cards like they’re filled with anthrax. I desecrate any song with [...]

“The magic is inside you. There ain’t no crystal ball.” Remember how I suggested that an awesome twist for American Idol would be strapping the judges to the lie detectors used on the godforsaken shitshow that is The Moment of Truth? Well, some story editors at FOX must be reading my lil’ ole’ recaps, because [...]

John Lennon chokes on hacks. Again. I’ve been seriously deliriously sleep-deprived this week, because I thought Mariah Carey was scheduled to guest judge this week, or at least perform “Touch My Body” while Kenneth the Page hula-hooped and twirled flaming giant turkey legs around her. Alas, it was all a croissant-fueled hallucination. Join me, mon [...]

Globalization invades Who-ville. Jim Carrey, what happened to you? You’re a whore for peddling your new Fox movie, but hey, you appear to hate it as much as I hate drawn-out results shows, contestants who channel Alvin and the Chipmunks on downers, and doors handles on doors that are meant to be pushed, not pulled [...]

Globalization invades Who-ville. Jim Carrey, what happened to you? You’re a whore for peddling your new Fox movie, but hey, you appear to hate it as much as I hate drawn-out results shows, contestants who channel Alvin and the Chipmunks on downers, and handles on doors that are meant to be pushed, not pulled open [...]

Yello! Can you smell what the Barack’s got cooking? No? Well, that’s ’cause extortion and illicit campaign contributions are nothing compared to gay strippers, DUI mugshots, and a photo of boobies on Facebook! Who wants to revolutionize American democracy when you’ve got American Idol? Squeeze for the high notes.

“I refuse to bathe until we get Melinda Doolittle back.” I have a confession to make. While channelsurfing, I caught the end of a particularly hellacious episode of The Moment of Truth. The one where a dirty blonde who resembled a brassy Miss Piggy ‘fessed up to the following: 1. Being fired for stealing money [...]

What’s that, Paula? Four days left till nuclear holocaust? Hewwo! I’m back with American Idol results! I’m live-recapping right now and typing my little fingers off. The bottom four are sent packing tonight, so I predict we’ll say “Au revoir, bitches!” to Spicoli (Garrett) and Ellen DeGeneres (Colton). As for the girls, I’m only sure [...]

I can’t remember why I left Star 98.7. Things that are super-hyped but are ultimately underwhelming, the more you think about them: 1. Pinkberry. Why should I pay over three dollars for fake frozen yogurt made from a powdered mix that’s combined with water? 2. The top 12 guys on Tuesday’s American Idol. The girls [...]

Oh, Texas. You’re not that bad, you did produce Flipit. Is Kelly Clarkson the Lone Star of Texas? We’re treated to an acid flashback of how the last time American Idol was in Dallas, they discovered a 20-year old waitress who, despite her serious need of conditioner and wardrobe help, was a gal with a [...]

Remember the Mad TV skit “Lowered Expectations”? Heroes was kind of like that this season, but I must say, they pulled it together by the end. Sorta. But I’m not really worried about the Shanti virus anymore, now that Ebola has broken out again in Uganda. You gotta credit those writers for being timely.

Dear Santa, I want a miracle on 42nd Street: No more Niki. I flew to NYC last week for Turkey Day with my boyfriend and his family. I celebrated my brief vacation from celebutards, LA traffic, and wildfires (but not the writer’s strike, of course). However, I could not escape Heroes. Their faces (or cleavage) [...]

This week’s Heroes theme song should be Lindsay Lohan’s “Confessions of a Broken Heart” played on the world’s tiniest violin, ’cause it’s a Freudian field day with daddy issues everywhere: Parkman, Claire, Elle, Emotard, Mohinder, seriously, everyone. Also, everything Isaac has ever painted has come true, probably because people start to think the future can’t [...]

I’ve been surviving on about 4.5 hours of sleep a night for the past week, which is causing me to get rather loopy. Blame it on the sleep deprivation, but I kinda wish this week’s episode of Heroes was a tribute to Flashdance instead of a flashback. I mean, they both start with the word [...]

And out of scriptwriters. Previously on Heroes: Peter hugs Caitlin and teleports into the Biohazardous Future, Niki partners with Mohinder for The Amazing Race, Claire and Emotard pull an awful prank that the cast of Jackass wouldn’t touch, Monica won a magical iPod that will help save New Orleans, Bennet murders his mentor and gets [...]

I thought Crossing the Line was a team-building exercise. Previously, on the show with too many Heroes: The Honduran dundertwins contemplate a threesome with Sylar (Maya is for it, Alejandro is like “aw, hell no, I don’t want to see another dude’s balls”), Hiro realizes that being the third wheel blows, especially when you have [...]

Spare me your excuses, I smell filler. Previously on Heroes: Micah rigged cable in one of the few non-trailers of post-Katrina New Orleans, Monica busted out the stripper pole moves that would shame Elizabeth Berkeley, Hiro became pen pals with Ando across centuries, Peter’s dick stayed in the box but not out of Caitlin, Nathan [...]

You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do, Tim Kring. Previously on Heroes, we learned some calculus: 12 Heroes – 4 (Kaito, Deveaux, Linderman, and Papa Petrelli) = 8 – 1 Killer Hero = 7 left. Mama Petrelli brawled with Edward Scissorhands, Parkman talked to Molly about how there really is a boogeyman, Sylar gave Michelle/Candice a [...]

Previously on Heroes: Mohinder met with Bob the stalker and received his first assignment, played house with his life partners Parkman and Molly, infused the Haitian with his blood and sent him along to Bennet, and pretended to get mind-sweeped. Maya PMS’ed some more and accidentally killed her old family friend Nidia, leaving it up [...]