Fashiongasm: Oscars

Well, I must say that this year’s fashions are quite remarkable. There is hardly anything really atrocious. The color palette of the gowns are much like others this past year. Most are muted, pale, gold or beige. There is also quite a bit of navy & black. Splashes of color popped up here & there. I don’t dwell too much on hair & accessories, but they were even on the conservative side. Thank god the messy, bed-hair is not the norm these days…. soft up-dos & natural make-up were widespread. Are you wondering who I thought was best & worst dressed. Okay, I’ll tell you….

The BEST of the BEST:

I have to say that Sandra Bullock’s dress is much more beautiful than the photo allows for. Her red lips were just wrong for her though. That’s why I give my “best dressed” to Cameron Diaz. She was just stunning from head to toe. Perfect!

Cameron’s hair & make-up really are as beautiful as her gown. Sandra’s dress is even more lovely from the backside. She has a movie star figure.

Helen Mirren always has such grace & sophistication. At the other end of the age spectrum is Miley Cyrus & I just loved her dress. It was fresh & flowing. I love flowing! I just wish she’d learn to stand up straight. She is always slouching!

Big Love’s Amanda Seyfried looks so adorable in this gown, it’s simple but glamorous. It’s definitely a Cinderella dress.

Jennifer Lopez, on the other hand, went from fabulous to awful, just by the turn of her body. I loved this dress when I first saw it, but when she walked on stage as a presenter, I hated it. That bow attached to it, needed to be ripped off.

Should I get to the worst dressed or just continue on & work my way up, or actually down, to them? I say “them” because there are two that stick out in my mind. Oh.. okay, here they are….

The WORST of the WORST:

Now tell me I’m wrong! Zoe Saldana looks like she belongs in a circus act! She just needs one of those ostrich feather crowns on her head. Everyone knows my dislike of ruffles, but Vera Farmiga has just pushed me too far with those huge fans running down the front of her dress. The color only makes them worse. Stepping outside the box doesn’t mean looking like an aquarium plant.

I’m sure Sarah Jessica Parker will be on the “best dressed” list, but I hate this dress! It’s totally unflattering in everyway. Her hair’s all mussy & she’s packed on the make-up. Charlize Theron’s pointy-boobed bodice is just ridiculous…. especially when you see a side view. Those boobie curls are whacked. Who told her it looked good… Madonna?

Diane Kruger’s dress is so bad, it almost made my “worst” pick & maybe it should. Looks like kleenex flowers made for a homecoming float. Anna Kendrick’s dress just washes her right out. It’s just too pale. Maybe she should have used some spray tan.

I am not a fan of ruffles, but not too many wore them last night. The few that did looked pretty good. Elizabeth Banks’ dress has a really nice bodice. I think I’d like it more if it wasn’t grey … or is that blue? Demi Moore! Good lord… I didn’t even recognize her. How old is she now? 50? Well, she looks 30. She must be rubbing Ashton’s sperm juice on her face.

Kathy Ireland looks like she was squeezed into her gown. She DID go with the “Michael Kors Spray-On Tan” look & has a natural orange hue. Maggie Gyllenhaal has redeemed herself with me, after that awful dress she wore at the Spirit Awards. This one is much nicer & colorful too.

The new spokesperson for Reynolds Wrap tin foil is none other than Kate Winslet. How on earth did she ever sit down in that tube of a dress?

Meryl Streep & Penelope Cruz didn’t win anything, but they both surprised me by not dressing as I expected they would. Meryl looked much better than I thought she would. She usually makes my worst-dressed list. Penelope didn’t dress as elegantly as I was hoping. She is always picture perfect. Kind of a let-down.

It was nice to see us full-figured girls so well represented last night. Gabourney Sidibe looked good & has shown that us larger women can look glamorous too. Mo’Nique chose to wear a long gown & cover her hairy-ass legs. I love the fact that people are appalled that she would dare wear a short dress without shaving.

Oprah is too famous to do the red carpet thing. She must have snuck in the back door. She looks all cinched up, with her boobs popping out the top. Now Queen Latifah should know better than to wear light pink! It looks like a wrinkled up bridesmaid dress.

“Stop it Robin!!” “Come on….Pull my finger!”

“Here baby, hold this for me please … I really need to go pick my panties outta my ass..”

The Sex Kitten & the Sixties Snuggie…. that’s what I see when I look at Mariah Carey & Nicole Richie. I thought I liked Nicole’s gown, but then I realized when she turned around, it was just a hippie-style Snuggie. Mariah will always go for the sex instead of glamour. I would too if I was her.

The same… yet… different. These ladies all had the same basic gowns. Dark, strapless, full-skirt & three have heart-shaped bodices. Carrey Mulligan is the best-dressed of these four. Young, yet sophisticated. Giuliana Rancic does what she does best… advertise designer clothes on the red carpet. I hear it’s quite a money maker. Kristen Stewart looks lovely & Mariska Hargitay is always stunning, but she’s also sporting the “Michael Kors Tan”. It’s just that orange & black are Halloween colors.

Tina Fey just looks old. She really needs a stylist. It’s obvious she doesn’t have one, because no one would keep letting her go out in public looking so dowdy. It was nice to see Molly Ringwald again. The dress goes good with her hair, but those accessories are just odd looking.

Anika Rose & Rachel McAdams both look pretty good in totally different gowns. I would almost put Anika on my “Best Dressed” list, if her skirt part wasn’t so bunched up looking. Rachel has a nice flowing gown. Not sure about the pattern, but it moves really nice….flowingly!

The BEST OF ALL was Kathryn Bigelow. She became the FIRST female to ever win the “Best Director” Award for The Hurt Locker, which also won “Best Picture”.

Finally…… last but not least…. Best Dressed Man!

Ben Stiller!

love

chooch