Holy Jesus you guys. THREE HOURS?!?!? THREEEEEEEEEEE HOOOOOOOOOUUUUURS>!>!>!?/lm;sliahvoaeifvhwergiep wueuw ewviewhlitvheliav ;g skga sjkevilw;lhvw;
Ok. That’s enough of that. Let’s get right The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: Part One. I’m hoping there will be major revelations, personal growth, and a death at the end. Or just that none of us are left hanging (sign of the X from Press Your Luck).
The first thing I notice is that Bobblehead Andy isn’t bobbling his head. He’s now like a bobblehead in a parked car. Sure, there will be that passing MAC truck that will twitch him out a bit, but otherwise, he seems to have been trained. DAMMIT. Ah well, at least he still spits while he talks and crosses his eyes a lot. Bravo is trying to make him look as butch as possible by having the gayest person ever born pop up under him throughout the opening.
If no one claps for Tinkerbell, will he just fucking go away?
Adrienne starts off by giving a HEIL! and covering her arm. My guess is she went down to the basement and let Paul do some surgery on that shit. No point in looking fifty when your arm looks ninety. Good luck with that. In the meantime, please be nicer to the Jews.
Let me guess. The Jews aren’t throwing blatant publicity whore trips at your ghetto ass off strip hotel.
Kim Twitchards has broken off her friendship with Crystal. AWWWW! These Housewives shows are real friendship killers. This is sadder than the Bethenny/Jill breakup. At least they still don’t make sense. Twitch will probably come back all mature and coherent and well read. Booooo to rehab. Kyle won’t answer any questions about her sister, probably because bitch doesn’t know anything. Twitch, reportedly, refuses to speak with her. You give me house, I give you rambling nonsensical updates on my day.
Lisa knew Twitch was a nutcase, but didn’t know there was an actual reason for it. Bobble wants to start light, so let’s watch Lisa teach Ad how to give her husband an enema instead of making the chunky nurse do it.
Ad says she’s too rich to do this crap and her damn husband can take care of his own pooper. Or evil chef Bernie can do it. Awkward silence at the mention of that horrid queen’s name. Moving on. What about Cam and Brandi’s fake lesbian dancing in Vegas? Desperate women do that to get dick, and Cam now has a man with abs. It works.
What’s with Lisa’s giant ass? Surgery? How bout let’s just all agree to not look at Lisa’s ass? Agreed. Pandy’s wedding. Was it tacky and over the top? Duh. Lisa rolls her eyes at his softballs. What about the tiara? Is that proper? LOL at discussing manners on a Bravo show. No one sucked their own dick at the reception, so it was all class, ok? Ad snarks that the tiara was fitting. “Once a Princess always a princess, right?” Lisa looks unamused. This shit’s gonna get good. Probably in the last ten minutes of the third hour.
Bobble brings up the shit talking Ad does on Lisa throughout the season. Kyle wrote on her blog that, as far as the tension between Lisa and Ad goes, there’s more than meets the eye. She also wrote “Everyone’s meeeean to meeeee!”, but we’re not going there right now. Kyle won’t answer the question, and Lisa has no idea what she’s talking about. Ad is a wuss when it comes to confrontation, and she doesn’t want to hurt her new LaToya nose by getting upset, so she tip toes around the answer. Unfortunately, her shoes are terrible so it’s a sad, limpy, gaudy limp.
Basically, what we just learned from Kyle is that Ad talks shit behind Lisa’s back and Lisa doesn’t know it. Still, let’s listen to Ad whine about Lisa calling Jackpot “Crackpot” on twitter. It rhymes. Who cares? Lisa verbally rolls her eyes. As far as having Pandy’s wedding at Planet Hollywood, it was Pandy’s choice. The end. Ad rolls her eyes. I would love to see what the rest of her face would look like right now if it could move.
Ad also went off on Lisa, on the internet of course, about her “classless comments”. YAY! Finally! Something interesting. Oh. Never mind. She didn’t like that Lisa called Ad’s shoe’s Maloof Hoofs. Seriously? HOOF RHYMES WITH LOOF. Fucking moron. She’s offended by every rhyme Lisa comes up with. If Ad ever gets ahold of a Doctor Seuess book her head is gonna explode.
Eggs aren’t green! And your name isn’t Sam, LIAR!!
No one will explain to Ad what a hoof is, or that the term “hoofer” used to refer to Broadway dancers. Instead, she sticks with her rhyme defense. Camille agrees that it was mean. Oh shut up, Shlemiel, ya insecure hag. Lisa says she thought the name was cute, she loves Ad’s old lady midget hooker style, and says that she meant to say it was a little fat shoe. LOLOLLLL. You can’t use the f word in this town!! It’s the nicest possible way to describe this fug:
Fredricks of Hollywouldn’t
Lisa doesn’t give in. She said she loved the shoes, and she even agreed to buy the pink ones. Ad rolls her eyes. The color is “nude”, not pink. Your shoes are ugly enough. Now I have to think of you nude?
Bobble says that Lisa tries to be funny but no one (except the audience) likes it. Kyle is in on this one. She says that Lisa’s comment that Kyle is desperate for attention and that’s why she does the splits all the time was retaliation for Kyle’s comment that Lisa preys on the weak. First off, you are fucking desperate for attention and that is why you do the splits at every party. Either that, or you just like leaving snail marks on other people’s floors. Second, it’s way more offensive to say that Lisa is eating weak people. Kyle continues that she just said that to Taylor cuz she knew she was being abused. Oh, NOW you knew she was being abused? Because you’ve questioned it publicly numerous times. She gets all pissy and finger pointy, and Lisa sighs and wonders what she’s doing wasting her time on these idiotic has beens.
Taylor jumps in and agrees that you have to be strong to be friends with Lisa. Um, you have to not be fucking full of shit or she’ll call you on it. That’s a huge no no in this town. I can’t believe Lisa hasn’t been chained to a truck and dragged around the streets yet. Lisa apologizes, but no one will accept it. Kyle says Lisa is calculated and manipulative and too smart to be friends with anyone. Kyle says she’s afraid of Lisa, and Lisa says she’s afraid of her too. See?!? Lisa’s manipulative! Or, Kyle just can’t form an argument that makes any sense. Now everyone has hurt feelings.
Montage of how disgustingly rich these women are. FF. You gotta hand it to the editors. The horrible actress pretending to be a fish next to the horrible actress pretending to be a fish.
Throw ‘em both back
The women aren’t getting along very well, but they can all agree that Dana’s an asshole for bragging about twenty five grand glasses. It’s just rude to talk about how much you spend! Didn’t Ad just brag about her two hundred grand basement beauty spa/auto body shop? And didn’t Camille just list her assets? N words puhleeze. But yes, Dana is an awful person and should be banished from the city.
Fail. Words can’t describe what she’s been through this season! Uh…bullshit comes to mind. So how is she doing? Well, she still goes on therapy dates with the free shrink/orthodontist that Bravo loaned her and has flashbacks of the ten different people she’s been in her adult life. The women all cluck about how sad they were about Russ. Bobble throws in a quick “some people feel like the show shouldn’t have aired!” Meh. Those people are pussies.
Camille agrees that it shouldn’t have aired. Bobble asks if she didn’t want it to air because she was such an asshole at the Pepto Tea Party. LOL! First good question of the night. No, it’s because of, wait for it, THE CHIIIILDREEEEN. Of course, Camille is right. Kennedy is now completely ruined, but let’s not waste time talking about real stuff.
Fail is asked why she would be on the show if she was so afraid of Russ finding out she was telling the world he abused her. Another good question. She says that it would at least force something to change. WHAT?! What a ridiculous answer. I buy pants two sizes to small to force things to change. Spoiler alert: I’m still fat. Fail just wanted the best for Russ! He was a narcissist and … ?? Does anyone know what she’s talking about? blahlieblahblahlielielieblahbuymybooksomeonegoodwroteit. Fail said that if she wasn’t on the show, it probs would have ended in murder/suicide. Ad agrees that RHOBH saved Fail’s life. This is so fucking ridiculous I can barely stand it. To abused women everywhere: don’t call the police or social services or a lawyer. Get an agent.
Lisa thinks that men who hit women are rude. Let’s get back to Cam being an asshole. She gets defensive and says that Fail trying to make Cam out to be the bad guy when Fail was the one to tell everyone on a reality show that she’s getting beat. Did anyone witness abuse? No, but Lisa witnessed an abusive text. Well, what did it say? Let’s give it a moment. This is very difficult for Fail.
Russ called her a whore and a piece of shit. Andy wants to talk more about abuse. Fail misses having someone tell her what to do. Cam understands. Bobble lights up and asks if Cam was abused. No. Sadohnocamillewasn’tabused horns. She says that she was controlled. You got beat and I got fifty million dollars. WAAAAH IT’S HAAAARD. You gotta love that Cam can slam Fail in one sentence and then turn the conversation back to what a victim Camille is. There’s a talent, there. Get that passive aggression a centerfold.
Bobble brings up the threat of a lawsuit. Ad says that Brandi said Failor knew about the letter that Russ wrote but Fail lied about it because she was scared. Fail says that she had no idea, but Russ sent a mean text to her on her birthday calling her a lying bitch and she lost her phone. Jesus. Did Twitch write your lines?
Cam says that she did think Fail knew about it but she forgives her because she was abused. Then Cam pats herself on the shoulder and says that outing Fail on national TV was what helped her make the positive change. LOL.
That was fun!! Clips of Bernie being a c word about Lisa behind her back and then kissing her ass at the restaurant. HA. Lisa laughs at the part where she didn’t recognize him. Ad is not laughing. Lisa says that she doesn’t know Bernie and was offended when she saw that Ad would let her employee trash a friend in public. Ad tries to talk over her and over her and over her. Ad accuses Lisa of saying “how could he make ethnic food?” Lisa calls bullshit and for the first time starts getting pissed. Ad backs down, claiming that Bernie said she said it so it must be true. Have you guys seen Bernie’s facebook rants against Lisa? That man is fucking crazy and can’t speak or spell. Unless someone’s gonna feed Ad a slice of shit pie, I don’t want to spend time on The Help.
Ad claims not to have heard anything or know anything. For someone coming out swinging all night, Ad sure is a pussy. Then Ad accuses Lisa of selling a story to radaronline. LOL! Lisa is worth tens of millions of dollars, you stupid twat. Ad won’t back down and says she doesn’t believe Lisa, she knows she took money for stories, and she has it on good authority. Turns out her “authority” is a “reporter” from…guess where. Radaronline! HAHAHAHAH!! Man. You remember last season we all thought Ad was the smart one? It’s cuz she didn’t speak. WHAT A MORON. Lisa gets so offended that she uses the F word. Not fat. The women are ganging up, and it’s only making me love Lisa more. Jealous cows.
Lisa says it’s character assassination, she’s disappointed in the lava lamp, and she finds the accusation insulting. Long pause. Ad shrugs out an “I’m sorry.” Yeah, you just said “you’re a lying snitch” like five times, ya heiffer. And your ugly shoes are FAT. Ad would like to think they can move on from this, but Lisa isn’t sure. HAHA. Ad adjusts her back skin and gives evil snake eyes to the PA.
Bobble asks Lisa how big her new house is, and she says she would answer but she doesn’t wanna look like an asshole.
She does agree with Cam, though. She couldn’t live in 3,000 square feet either, and her house is big enough for Giggy and that’s all that matters. Bobble makes fun of her for getting misty about her dog, and…just when you though Giggy couldn’t get more homely:
Brandi is brought out. Bobble makes fun of her two hour wedding in Vegas. It was just for fun! Bobble gets serious and asks if that could justify her child support. She laughs it off and says it wasn’t legal. What did Eddie think? Who cares? She doesn’t talk to him. So let’s talk Game Night. Brandi says she felt like she was treated like a joke and everyone talked behind her back. Kyle jokes that she’s coming out punching, and Brandi snaps “DON’T.” It finally gets good and now it’s done. Next week, Failor pops her jaw back in and Brandi tells her to stfu and go write another fake ass book. I’M IN!!!!!
I won’t be returning with any more Quick N’ Dirty recaps until Orange County shows up, but if you want to watch the videos I made for the past few episodes, click here!
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