Sister Wives Double-Header Recap Part I

Greetings Gasmii! We’ve reached the end of Season Three of Sister Wives, and we’re going to send the show off with a BANG in the form of a double-header recap! I’m sad to see our time together come to an end so quickly. Save your tears for the end of the part 2 recap and TLC’s ultra-heightened emotional finale!

If you’re just joining us, why not go get caught up on the action thus far? All previous Sister Wives recaps can be found here: http://www.tvgasm.com/category/recaps/sister-wives-recaps/

Let’s dive in, shall we? It’s time for EPIC SISTER WIVES RECAP PARTE UNO: Episode 11!!

In the second- to-last episode of the season, we have more TLC-manufactured non-drama. Robyn is due in a month and is in need of baby furniture, so it’s time to go see Theo! Kody has a boys night, stress is taking over Meri’s life, and Christine flirts will Bill! YAWN!

We begin with Meri at the gym. It has been 60 days since the ladies began their fitness journey with Bill, and 30 days since their first weigh-in disappointment. The interview portion of the episode picks up right where we left off in the last episode. That, or the ladies are all wearing the same outfits they were wearing a month ago.

“The move and the investigation have been soooo hard and I’ve been wearing these shirts for a MONTH! Someone please send help.” Robyn, hug her already!

Kody explains to us that Meri doesn’t express her anger so it leaks out all over. I don’t like the word “leaks” because it reminds me of diapers, maxi pads and toilets.

New from Stayfree, Emotional Health Pads! Now with less anger leakage!

Obi-Wan KaBilly, the Jedi Master / Gym Trainer, is still trying to get Meri to release her stress and anger during her workouts. Apparently playing “bounce the ball”  is supposed to be good for releasing stress. I’m not the expert, but I would think releasing stress would involve punching bags or Nerf bats.

During some other period of time that does not appear to be contemporaneous with Meri’s workout, Christine is up super early to get her kids ready for school. Mykelti is having a good day so she’s sporting a t-shirt instead of a scandalous tank top for her “French project.”

Later that day, or five days earlier – who really knows at this point – Janelle is getting her yoga on. Apparently she likes to do yoga first thing in the morning before work. Is she working, or was that a slip of the tongue? There is so much we don’t see on this show, it’s kind of annoying. My voyeurism requires full disclosure to be satisfied.

Nice form! Now what is this work you speak of?

It’s almost time for the 60 day weigh in and Janelle is not looking forward to the it. She feels like the progress she’s made won’t show up on the scale. I totally feel that. I have been working out religiously for a few weeks and while my clothes fit better, there has been almost no movement on the scale. That’s why my scale lives under my bed with all the other crap I can’t seem to care about, like unfinished knitting  and a photo album project that will never be finished.

Before we get to the gym for the weigh-in let down, the parents are off to get furniture for baby Solomon. Robyn says she feels like she is the car Solomon is driving. That’s just weird; it sounds like he is controlling her. She can be like “EFF YOU BITCH!” while eating a stick of butter and shrug it off with a “it’s not me, Solomon is driving this BITCH!” Maybe she’s onto something. It also reminds me THIS:

Total Recall had me until the leader was a Garbage Pail Kid living in someone’s colon. Not amused, Holllywood.

Robyn planned ahead when she moved into her Vegas house; she has been saving a room in her house for the baby. Right now, it’s just Rubbermaid tubs:

Why buy furniture? Take a lid off of one of those tubs and call it a day.

Kody is excited to have a whole room for him to have quality time with the baby. Robyn points out that other people can ALSO spend quality time with the baby in the room. She didn’t just marry you, Kody. The room is for EVERYONE. You know, like your love. And your sperm.

Since the Browns are going to get their furniture shopping on, we get to spend some quality time with my favorite consignment furniture wizard. That’s right folks, THEO IS BACK!!!

THE THEO SHOW!!

Theo is his usual charming self and compares his belly to Robyn’s. LOVE HIM.

She may be bigger, but Theo’s still cuter.

Solomon’s shopping list (you know, since he’s driving and all) consists of a rocker recliner,a crib, and dresser. Theo shows them the perfect furniture like right away because he is the furniture whisperer. Kody plays the air baby to test a rocker recliner:

He’s either pretending to hold a baby or engaging in pretentious applause. Either way, BOOOOO.

As they discuss the rocker recliner, Theo asks if the entire family gets involved with raising the baby. It does take a village, Theo. They just grew their own village for convenience. Robyn wants the entire family to feel like the baby’s room is open to all because Solomon is everyone’s baby. Everyone? Even me? Because I am totally open to selling my Solomon shares to someone; my iPod broke and I’m short on cash. See me after the recap if you’re interested.

Theo finds out it’s a boy and he’s stoked because he’s got the PERFECT dresser. It’s super cute dark brown wood and little baseball drawer pulls.

AWWW

Lo and behold, there’s a matching changing table! They got some great pieces in the color she wanted. Who wants to road trip to vegas and shop with Theo? I could use a rocker recliner myself so that I can play the air baby like Kody.

Time to go to the gym for weigh in day and Meri, Christine and Janelle are all feeling very glass half empty about their weigh-in. Janelle bites the bullet and goes first. She’s lost 6 lbs since the last weigh in. That’s 10 lbs overall which is great, but she wanted to lose 40.

Shooting angsty eye lasers at the scale won’t change what it says. I should know, I’ve tried.

Bill wants to prepare Christine for her weight, and she is not open to his coddling. Christine likes her weigh-ins rough and insists that they cut to the chase so she can start complaining. She’s lost four pounds and feels like a loser since her goal was much higher. Meri has not lost any weight since the last weigh in, and she’s feeling very discouraged. That totally sucks. What is the point of going to the gym all the time if you don’t get any results? Oh, now I remember:

GROUP HUG!

Obi-Wan is no longer coddling the ladies. He is glad they can see a difference when they look in the mirror, but they need to step it up if they want to lose weight. He can’t do this for them. Oh how I wish he could – I would pay a lot of money for someone else to work out for me.

According to Obi-Wan, Janelle lost the most weight because she’s the most committed. OBVIES. He doesn’t want to make her teacher’s pet, but commitment = results. Christine admits that she basically gave up after first weigh in. Way to stick it out, Christine! That attitude won’t get you anywhere when the inevitable zombie apocalypse arrives at your door!

Bill reminds them that goals exist to be met, not to be rationalized away when they’re not met. Actually, he says “goals are goals.” Bill is not one of the great orators of our time..

“Ladies, goals are GOALS! You know, like mountains are mountains and soup is soup. Do you get what I’m saying here? Things are the things they are.”

**crickets**

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Oh Bill….you’re lucky you’re pretty.”

Dr. Treadmill says it’s not enough to fit better in your clothes. Whatevs, Bill. He clearly does not understand the glory of fitting back into your thin pants. Meri admits that she does not know how to make herself a priority.

All three ladies need to figure out what it is going to take for them to commit. He doesn’t expect an answer but presses Christine for why. Her reason? She kills herself with Bill in the gym and she hates it, so it needs to count for something more than harmless flirting and an excuse to don activewear. Janelle’s goal is a better quality of life, but losing weight is important too- she’s tired of avoiding mirrors and phoning it in when it comes to her appearance.

Remember when the ladies went out on the town and Kody pouted that he hasn’t have a guy’s night in forever? Well squeaky bro-dads get the grease and now it is Kody’s turn to paint the town an unoffensive shade of beige. He needs to get away from the rat race of the wife rotation, fatherly duties and working on their business. His partners in crime include a man from their church, Bill, and Kody’s new friend Shaun. They’re going to roll in Shawn’s sweet convertible and party like it’s 1899!

The boys set out for adventure and the first stop is a boxing gym. The lads plan to pay a visit to Shaun’s brother, who is training for MMA. Kody is beaming with excitement about their plans; he can’t wait to smell testosterone, sweat and combat. We now know what Kody’s fragrance line will smell like should he choose to endorse such a product. I vote for “DTKB Musk for Men” as the name. I am sure you can all do better, so do me a solid and share your ideas in the comments!

While the boys go get sweaty, the ladies head over to Robyn’s house to move Solomon’s furniture into the new nursery. Christine and her kids are crazy excited for the arrival of the baby. The impending birth of a baby has clearly paved the way for Christine to be nicer to Robyn. Aces!

Kody says that when you get together with guys, you do guy stuff. He’s been taking speech classes with Bill. Kody is STOKED because he never gets to do this stuff. They arrive at the boxing gym and meet Kevin (Shaun’s bro). Kody is so elated to be back in the ring that he’s practically wetting himself. As you may or may not know, Kody was a wrestler in high school and he hasn’t been in the ring with someone’s crotch in his face for a long time.

King of the takedowns, circa nineteen eighty whocares.

Kevin brings Kody into the cage and teaches him how to throw MMA punches. Kody didn’t change into gym clothes for this event. Apparently he wants to spend the night in a cloud of testosterone, sweat and combat. The other guys hang back to watch. I guess no one else wants to smell like DTKB Musk for Men.

Now that all the crotch-to-face gym action is over, the real action can begin! Kody is drawn to the lights of the strip, but not the actual activities that take place underneath the lights. Kody isn’t exactly bothered by the “salacious” attire one often sees on the strip. Don’t let your wives hear that! He admits that he is going to look, but he tries to stay away from it.

Remember two seconds ago when I used the words “real action?” Yeah, replace that with “totally boring dinner at a German restaurant.

If Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin were alive to see this low-key meal referred to as “boys’ night on the Strip”, they would put cigarettes out in their eyes and weep bitter charred tears into their cocktails.

The guys have all kinds of questions, and none of them seem to be about sex, so Kody can breathe easy. Bill asks if divorce is sanctioned in their church. What’s it to you, Billy-Boy? Get your own wives! Kody acknowledges that divorces happen; Robyn was already a member of the Browns’ faith when she divorced her husband. Shaun thinks that it’s neat that the wives can counsel each other with their marriage issues, like Janelle did for Meri and Kody back in the day. They can also ice each other out and CAUSE marriage issues, but no one seems to be interested in opening up that can of worms.

During his time with them, Bill has noticed that the ladies personalities are so different, and he wonders how Kody adapts. Kody launches into some explanation about how he compartmentalizes the relationships, but I don’t really have all the details because this discussion is SO DAMN BORING and I stopped paying attention. I guess it’s the same thing Hugh Hefner does with less creepy orgy action and lots of kids instead of nubile college age girls.

Bill asks Kody if Christine razzes Kody as much as she razzes him. Bill thinks it is funny until Kody doesn’t have an immediate response. OOPS!

“By ‘razz’, do you mean soul-sucking nagging? No? Me neither.”

Kody acknowledges to us that he knows Christine is a huge flirt and she probably thinks Bill is cute, but nothing will happen. He’s right. Christine is not going to bail on Kody any time soon, not even for Bill. Shaun wants to know if Kody ever feels like being with one wife more than the others. I bet Kody is flashing back to his convo with his sister-wife seeking friend from Utah

“WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES ALWAYS ASK ME THIS CRAP WHEN THERE ARE CAMERAS IN MY FACE???”

Kody maintains that he does not have a favorite wife, but it was easier on him when they were all in one house because he saw everyone everyday. Back at Robyn’s house – Robyn tells us that she was not sure if she was going to have more kids. She purposely stopped cranking out babies after #3 in her last marriage, but then she met the Browns and re-fired up the baby factory. Long and boring story short – she’s not sure if Solomon will be the last baby. You could have just said that and saved us all the yawning.

Kody comes over to see his, I mean, everyone’s nursery. The room looks great, and he is pleased. Robyn went with a jungle theme that is tasteful and not too baby oriented.

Nice work Ladies!

Kody reminds Robyn that this is the first time she’s had a special baby room. He’s probably asking her for our benefit, but it rubs me the wrong way. It’s not cool to be like “hey, remember when you were poor?” Robyn is not as touch as Baldy, so she tops the no-nursery issue with the fact that she’s never had a crib for any of her babies. Kody stares at her like she is crazy

NO CRIB! Cue the violins

Robyn explains how amazing it has been to have a supportive husband this during this pregnancy. He is supportive (except when he brings up her former poverty. Rude).

Kody says they’re inviting Solomon to come as soon as possible, and he starts tearing up. He says it’s because he never had a kid he didn’t want. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Did she ask him if he wants the baby and they didn’t show it?

The exchange between Robyn and Kody in the nursery really illuminated Robyn’s behavior for me. Even though she was married before, she was practically a poor a single mother. She didn’t have the money or space for baby furniture for other three kids and her husband was no help at all during her pregnancies or deliveries. After that mess, Robyn wanted to have an actual family so bad, and she’s so grateful to have these people that are caring and involved that she has very little to complain about. She marvels at Kody’s attention and affection because ¼ of his time is still more than she had from her former husband, a man she shared with no one. Granted, according to Christine, Robyn has really had ⅓ of his time, but you can imagine that he would be gravitating towards her a lot because she’s pregnant, she NEEDS him, and she has a little hero worship going on. Compare that to the angry, pouting, uncomfortable moments spent with Christine over the season. I think there’s less Robyn monopolizing Kody going on than people think and a lot more Kody spending time with Robyn of his own volition.

We’ve reached the end of episode 11! The recap of episode 12 will go up tomorrow, otherwise this recap would end of being a bazillion pages long and I know you people have lives. Until then, share your thoughts! Did this episode bore you to tears, or were you riveted by the softball questions lobbed at Kody during dinner??

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