***You guys have been asking for some Teen Mom recaps, and we heard you loud and clear. Please welcome your newest recapper to the fold, the lovely and talented NERDIA!
It’s Valentine’s Day in Teen Mom world and we find are beloved teen mothers celebrating in different ways.
Maci aka Carrots has been split up with “Ryhan” (I know there’s no “h”, but, goddammit, I hear one) for 3 months now and it’s about time she got herself some. But, understandably, she’s hesitant to date. Let’s not forget that she’s taken on the responsibility of 2 parents with “Mr. Don’t Say Anything or You’ll Ruin It” for a baby daddy. Her plate is full with work, school, and bastard son Bentley (free advice: don’t name your kid Bentley unless you can afford one). Her friends offer their help with a role play lesson in flirting, using Bentley as the potential suitor. Yeah, that’s not fucked up or anything.
After a night out on the town, Carrots still isn’t sure about the whole dating thing, but she has started to reconnect with old crush, Kyle. When Ryhan drops Bentley off with his ho-bag girlfriend in the car (the bitch doesn’t even acknowledge Carrots), Carrots acts like she doesn’t care, but we know what she’s thinking…threesome. No, really, she plays it cool, but you know she’s pissed.
When the opportunity to catch-up with Kyle in Nashville presents itself, Carrots takes it! Flirtation ensues and the two even share a kiss on the dance floor. HEY!
Kyle seems genuinely interested in Carrots. He’s also genuinely dumb looking. He has that “he’s not retarded, but I’m pretty sure one of his parents is” look. Nevertheless, Carrots seems happy and, goddammit, I’m happy for her.
I suspect Amber and Gary have shared many a VD, but, this time around, they are working things out after last week’s drama. (For those who missed it, Gary discovered a second woman on earth that would willingly have sex with him while conscious, causing him to question his relationship with Amber) Amber shops for Gary’s VD gift with cousin Krystal (free advice: don’t name your kid Krystal under any circumstance) and shares that she wants to marry Gary. As always, level-headed cousin Krystal says very little, but you can tell she just shit herself.
Amber selects the dumbest gift ever for Gary, a heart-shaped key, the “key to her heart” as she puts it. Clearly, he already has the key to her vagina and, most likely, her butt hole too. I have a feeling Gary is the type of guy who would prefer traditional chocolates (by the ton) and/or a KFC double down.
Maybe it opens beer bottles? As if these people drink beer out of bottles
Gary presents Amber with a bracelet. She responds in amazement, “Are you serious?” I have never before seen someone so taken aback by jewelry sold in a cardboard box, but do we really expect more from Amber? The romance doesn’t stop there! The evening continues with an intimate dinner, with Leah in tow, at what appears to have formerly been a Ponderosa.
Talk about romantic. I’m surprised they aren’t getting it on right there at the table.
The issue of marriage comes up and Gary states that he’s not ready. Amber is crushed and enraged. I’d be upset too if a fine specimen like Gary turned me down. Gary threatens to leave as heartbroken Amber lies in the fetal position on a mattress you’d expect to find in a crack house. Alas, they reconcile…for now!
Catelynn has moved into a new place, closer to Tyler, with Butch and Skeletor aka April, her mom.
She’s still reeling from almost losing Tyler after lying to him about sleeping with her ex. She discusses it with Skeletor. Who wouldn’t want relationship advice from that meth head?
Like typical engaged 17 year-olds, Catelynn and Tyler spend V-day ice skating, but, the ever-endearing Tyler is struggling with the guilt of giving up Carly. Their adoption counselor aka baby merchant, pays them a visit, essentially to make Tyler feel better about giving his kid to some dumb couple (infertile for a reason) that desperately needed a white baby to indoctrinate. She gives Tyler the number of a birth dad who also gave up his daughter in an “open” adoption.
Their emotional conversation allows Tyler to begin the healing process. But will it be enough for Catelynn and Tyler to stay together???
Since being “forced” to move out, Farrah has managed to keep her parents from seeing Sophia and is enjoying her new found independence. However, she is realizing that single parenthood is hard, especially when you are a complete idiot.
Sophia burning herself on scolding hot water while bathing unattended
Hey Farrah, washing the baby? Why not throw some dishes in there? Maybe some knives! Go ahead and turn that garbage disposal on, just for fun!
Farrah confides in a friend that she wants to be “more happier” and is considering talking to a therapist (THANK THE FUCKING LORD). During Farrah’s first therapy session we learn that Sophia’s dad has died, giving us some insight into Farrah’s raging bitchiness.
With Sophia’s first birthday around the corner, Farrah hesitantly agrees to a family dinner. Sophia’s first birthday celebration starts off with every 1-year-old’s dream, mommy and daughter pedis! Based on the past behaviors of this family’s matriarchs, the pedicure/lobotomy combo would have been a more appropriate choice.
First our toes, then our frontal lobes!
Nevertheless, Sophia did appear to enjoy herself and it was sweet to see the two share a drama free moment. At dinner, Farrah’s parents are so elated to see Sophia that they completely ignore Farrah as she tries to read Sophia her birthday card. Farrah is understandably pissed. This is a big day for her. She’s reading an entire card, a huge leap from the picture books she’s accustomed to. Maybe next she can read about the morning after pill? Needless to say, the dinner was a disappointment and you can’t help but feel a little sympathy for Farrah.
Valentine’s Day ends at the new apartment. In a loving moment, the teen mom is finally able to read her heartfelt birthday greeting to the child that ruined her life.
Sound it out, Farrah, sound it out