16 and Pregnant Recap: Crowded House

Devon is an outspoken Virginian who wants to be grown. Her babydaddy Colin’s in the army! Aaand, she’s got some shoddy-looking acrylic nails. Her home is full of people (including Colin) and dogs, all of whom look happy enough at first glance. Her niece is adorbs! Devon’s due in three months. Drink!

The parents-to-be walk and hold hands. Colin enthusiastically recounts his moving into Devon’s folks’ house and their courtship prior to that. I think he wants an MTV bonus. He works two jobs – in a cartoon warehouse and the cartoon army reserves.

But you’ll never see the end of the road while you’re traveling with me 

So, he brings in the money, but it’s debatable whether he can buy Devon the kind of brain that realizes she’s pregnant before she’s five months along. Her Megans note (in retrospect) that they saw she was getting fat, but nobody bothered to pursue the matter. She was switching from NuvaRing to the Pill, and a pesky zygote got made. Eh, I guess I’ll give her a pass if she thought she was protecting herself. I don’t get it though – so many things change with everything in your body – how do you not have an inkling? Alexus (no relation to Candus) says the pregnancy bummed her out ‘cause she lost her partner in crime. Back in the day, Devon wouldn’t miss a party, but now she’s too tired to go out.

The living situation – 8.5 people, 2 bathrooms – has the advantage that there will always be somebody who can’t help but be in the same room with the baby and therefore “watching him.” Devon doesn’t say it exactly that way. Oh, and his name is going to be Landon, and I hope he comes out with a full head of feathered hair. Devon’s mother is disappointed. They talk, and Devon notes again that at least she tried not to get pregnant. Tears are cried. Commercials. Shut up, Amber Portwood.

We know they won’t win

30 weeks! The parents-to-be go out to eat and fret about money. Siiigh. Two weeks later, Colin goes on reserve duty and Devon goes to school, where the hallways aren’t big enough for her swollen belly and the bunch of assholes she goes to school with, or something. The lying cartoon that lies tries to make us think they’re a bunch of merry pranksters, too. Yeah, 30 weeks (and up) definitely blows from a physical standpoint, especially when you forget your giant belly and try to squeeze through a small space, and for extra hilarity, you turn sideways because that always worked before.

Anyway, school sucks and she hates it. People look at her, and her feet hurt. Colin comes home, and his army bag and the diapers don’t both fit in the closet. I have an idea. Have some HGTV people come in here and BUILD THESE PEOPLE SOME SHELVES. That need is probably a thing these moms have in common, besides the fake nails and the misery. I don’t want to see them try to build them on their own, either, because shelves can fall and stuff. But seriously, MTV. You’re really not applying yourselves in terms of vertical show integration, and of course, in terms of making these poor girls less miserable. I realize that’s not your responsibility. But since you’ve butted into their lives, it’s sad you can’t offer more than four lousy Teen Mom spots and frigging Dr. Drew.

Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief 

Colin is stressin’ to get out of the crowded house. Devon reminds him that it’s free. I’m transfixed by her giant earrings and her bubblegum-pink lipstick. Colin reminds her he’s too old to live with Mommy and wants his own driveway. Points to Devon for being realistic about money and not being a little princess. She might also be thinking she doesn’t want to be lonely and bored, and that Landon will benefit from having his cousin to play with, which are both valid. Colin’s looking at a $226K house to start. What, they don’t have townhouses and apartments to rent in Richmond? Come on! They go talk to Devon’s mom, who doesn’t bother to look up. Colin doesn’t know how much he can afford – clearly.

In the paper today, tales of war and of waste, but you turn right over to the T.V. page