16 and Pregnant Recap: Hope Bloats

Before you get on me about body acceptance, note that I and my little passenger are approaching the big 200 ourselves, so it’s all out of solidarity, man. 

Hope is from Lee’s Summit, Missouri, and she looks like a distant relative of Aubrey O’Day (one who doesn’t look like a dude in drag). The previews tell me there is partying in this ep, and I hope it’s the good kind, not the miserable kind like in Alex’s ep. (Spoiler: For all I know, they might mean Footloose-style dancing when they say “partying” – we don’t even seen anyone who looks hung over.)

And speaking of partying, congratulations to Jenelle Evans on her new boobs! Apparently those in the know online are worried she’s gonna misshape them by wearing an underwire bikini and going in the water. Possibly she’s angling for a TLC special?

Hope is a barista and likes to stick her tongue out in pictures. What’s her babydaddy’s name? Bin? He likes the nightlife, baby. Her friends don’t like him. Red flag number all of them. She would have given up on him, but for their little zygote. Aww.

Hope also looks older than 17. I call plant. Why they need a plant is beyond me.

26 weeks! Goody, only one whole trimester to sit through. Why do you hate me, show? Looks like Bin has renounced his babydaddyhood. Hope’s mom is supportive, that is to say, she hasn’t kicked her out. Mom Betsy is young with a jaw that looks like it hurts. Where is 35 and Needs Headgear? I will totally recap that. Betsy also needs some guidance on how this happened. Oh, here we go. And it was Hope’s first time! Or maybe second or third that they actually made the baby. What a damn waste! Pulling out doesn’t work, y’all, unless you’re like 45.

Hope’s friends suggested adoption. I like these friends, they seem smart. Can we get a show about them? But Hope knows that once she feels the baby kick, she’ll be determined to give it a shit life instead of a fighting chance with a loving stable couple who really want it. She didn’t want to tell Betsy.

Because she knew Betsy would choke on her chewing tobacco, and she didn’t want to be responsible for that.

You guys, if I put butter on these fudge grahams, am I a worse mom-to-be than Jessica Simpson? Never mind, don’t answer that.

Hey, looks like Bin heard there were cameras in town, ‘cause he’s back in the moving picture. Hope thinks it would be a good idea to move in with him an hour away. Sweetie, when you were born there was an awesome comedy on the TV, and in it there was a character named George Costanza. And one ep, he did the opposite of everything he thought he should, and his life improved, IIRC. You see where I’m going with this?

Totally unstaged talk with friends in Hope’s room. KelseyMegan says that she was also helping Hope stalk Bin and berating him in advance for being a deadbeat dad. She might be off the smart friend show for that. Hope thinks he’ll be a good dad, just not a good boyfriend. Because it’s much easier to love a pooping, crying, blob than it is a walking, talking female. Her parents have never met him, so he comes over when nobody’s home, and he has a master plan about how only the baby can move its furniture into his new man cave, ‘cause it’s really small or something. And we learn he has a totally good reason for blowing Hope off – it’s ‘cause she was a virgin! Oh, ok.

Yeah, I’d hit that with a hatchet.

LaurynMegan wants to know how Hope feels about her partying days being over. Even better than not being able to go to college. She thinks Bin might not be that into her. She’d rather not ask him, though, because that would preclude any more scenes like this one, and we love these scenes. Lauryn’s got some decent logic going – in particular, asking Bin how he feels is not “starting a fight over nothing.” But she leaves out the fact that actions speak louder than words, and girlfriend should just be happy there might be some diapers getting paid for and leave it at that.

Regarding your needs… Look virgie, now’s as good a time as any to learn how to masturbate.