16 and Pregnant Recap: Hope Bloats

Commercials. It’s the Men in Black to the Future movie! Is it any wonder these children would rather have sex on their dates? 28 agonizing weeks. Headgear wants to know when she can meet the person that will soon be guiding her brainless daughter’s actions as her housemate. She has a million questions. I hope she doesn’t want good answers. She’s concerned that Bin will take off again once the baby’s born, and I guess leave Hope in the apartment, or maybe on the front steps. Oh, and Betsy is unable to pitch in any money, as she barely has enough for herself.

Someone in this town has money for $5 coffee though, luckily for Hope. Her job is hard, though, because cankles. Girl, wait until you try to bend forward in a few weeks and have your breathing cut off. She goes to Dr. Chang, who is sadly not played by Ken Jeong. His medical opinion is to take some breaks. Also, she weighs too much, even though she’s only gained 15 pounds in 28 weeks. Her job won’t let her take more breaks – it’s against company policy, so she quits. George Costanza. I am again impressed with Alex and her walking a mile to work… not to mention all the pregnant ladies who take the subway and then run up those stopped escalators.

They watch the 3D ultrasound on Bin’s TV. So those things are free, right? Because they’re totally unnecessary. All you need is the regular one to count the limbs and look at the organ function. Then she asks him if he’s happy to be tied down in a relationship now.

Wait… what relationship?

Oh never mind – he’s totally happy in the relationship! MTV must be paying him extra. But maybe this good news will help Hope’s cankles shrink or something. Ben gets a fresh fauxhawk to meet Hope’s family, as you do. Betsy has taken a blue crayon to her face. Good to see everyone’s at their best. They have a belated what-are-your-intentions convo on the deck. Bin’s not gonna leave li’l Bin, he says.

I totally believe you, just like I believed the lady at the Kmart who sold me this eyeliner.

Ben wants to be there to wake up in the middle of the night with the kid. Whoa. That’s actually… ok, maybe I misjudged him. That would be nice. Hope gets a pedicure with a Megan and laments the stores rubbing “back to school/dorm living” in her face. Yes, that’s their aim. Hope wishes she could go to college with Megan.

Because it would totally raise my stock to be seen with such a sweet mouthful of teeth.

Expect nothing from this man, Betsy tells Hope. If you look close, you can see this idea come out Hope’s left ear and run down the side of her face.

Moving day. Betsy doesn’t like that Ben’s place has a bunch of dead bugs in the entryway. The whole situation makes her cry. So, in front of the cameras, she threatens Ben’s life if he hurts her daughter.

Shopping at Target! They come home with the Bumbo seat that helps the baby sit up before he can do so on his own. That way we can set him on the counter, says Hope. I don’t even want to ask if she plans on keeping an eye on him when she does this so he doesn’t tumble down on his head. I’m afraid of the answer. 

Hope goes to the lake with her Megans and a new maternity swimsuit.

Because I planted a money tree in the hallway with the dead bugs. Also, I’ll totally wear it again. Ben’s boys aren’t just gonna stop swimming.

How does it feel to be a whale? ask the Megans. Bad, says Hope. But Ben totally blows smoke up your giant butt, right? Oh, sure. Do you think he’s gonna totally bail in a week or two? Well, I know he’ll be turning to the X-Box. Yeah, X-Boxism’s a pervasive problem among babydaddies.