16 and Pregnant Recap: Life After Lip Service

Dr. Drouche: Welcome, everyone, to the 16 and Pregnant Finale Reunion show. I’m here to tell you that 85% of teen girls who have unprotected sex with their filthy shitheaded boyfriends will get pregnant, and 100% of the ones who don’t choose abortion or adoption will be freaking miserable. Tonight we’ve brought all 12 of our fertile beauties from this season to both show and tell us just how miserable they are, being on TV and having thousands of fans on facebook and twitter and wherever else the kids are socially networking now, when they’re not busy having sex. Four of them have actually been relegated to the website only – we’ll show you soundbites, but since you’re a big enough chump to watch this show, you’re also chumpy enough to sit through 90 minutes of my proselytizing and digging into their open wounds to not see your favorites.

Briana: Thanks for flashing back to the part of my show where my sister had that abortion and my boyfriend was worthless. Check out the giant flower on my sundress. Could a less cute girl pull this off? No, she could not.

Brittany: I had an abortion because my mom and sister’s lives sucked enough, and I didn’t want to bring another baby into the mix. I’m practical to my own detriment. Of course I had room in my heart for a kid, we just didn’t have room in the house.

Drouche: Well, you should talk more about this. You should talk about it so much that you are unable to speak because you’re crying so hard. I find that kind of thing arousing. Also, I get a dollar for every tear that falls on this studio floor and a cut of the fees from every client I send to one of my therapist friends.

Brittany: I’m in college now.

Drouche: Good for you! Girls with babies never go to college. Your life will be thousands of times better than your sister’s. And what about all those friends you have?

Briana: I have no friends.

Drouche: Well duh, of course you don’t. Let’s meet the guy who started all this. I feel there is too much oxygen in here and I need someone to waste it. Devoid, can you join us?

Devoid: Peep my striped shirt. I’m so stylin’. I look the The Hamburglar.

Drouche: Did you have trouble being present in the relationship?

Devoid: You want to give me a present? Oh, you mean was I there? Did you not watch the show? I wasn’t there. And when I was there, I was texting, because no one taught me any manners at all, ever. When I chew my food, I leave my mouth open and half of my food falls on the floor. And I leave it there. That’s how mannerless I am.

Drouche: Well, you didn’t expect this slut to get herself knocked up, despite using little to no birth control, isn’t that right? So how does it feel to be a father, such as you are?

Devoid: My childhood is over.

Briana: Bullshit. You do plenty of childish things. Also, you never come see your daughter. It’s pretty much like she doesn’t exist for you. So spare me.

Devoid: How can I come see my daughter when you live 45 minutes away? I have to plan my day around that! That’s too hard! I have a busy video game playing and club going schedule I have to adhere to. Not to mention my grooming. If I set aside 45 minutes to drive over, 45 minutes to drive back, and an hour to figure out which part of the baby the diaper goes on, the day is over and it’s time for me to go to bed again. It would ruin everything. No ma’am. Can’t do it. Impossible.

Briana: Bullshit. You’re over on this side of town partying all the time.

Devoid: You are wrong. The party comes to me.

Drouche: How do you feel about that, Briana?

Briana: Are you stupid? I feel angry. You hear my voice and see my face, right?