Drouche: I think you feel pain, and I need to see some tears hit that floor please.
Briana: Oh, all right. I’m disappointed in you, Devoid. And I’m especially sad that you can’t handle an hour alone with the baby.
Devoid: I can handle it fine. I choose not to. I just want the kid to know who I am, which is why I’m here on TV.
Drouche: Everything you say makes perfect sense, Devoid. Also, I have to end this segment, so please stop talking. Also, you two and the baby should all go to the zoo. That’s what I prescribe. I’m a medical doctor, you know.
Briana: I will go to the zoo with him if I can leave him in the big cat cage.
Drouche: That reminds me of cage fighting. Whatever happened to that MTV show Caged? Do they need help talking about sex or drugs or pain? Let’s welcome Lindsey, who didn’t make the cut for Caged, so she got herself knocked up by a kid who’s such a screwup that his mother won’t let him get a job. She wants to protect him from failures that other people know about. So Lindsey, you know that just because you have unprotected sex once and don’t get pregnant, it doesn’t mean you’re infertile?
Lindsey: Uh, I do now. Thanks.
Drouche: So you’re using protection now?
Lindsey: Yes, but not the kind I want. My insurance won’t cover an IUD, because the company is religious.
Drouche: I’m shocked by this. I have never heard of such a thing. I’m a Beverly Hills medical doctor and everyone’s insurance covers everything there. Or at least I always get paid.
Lindsey: I went into early labor and Forest blew me off while I was in the hospital.
Forest: But then I realized my daughter was in you. Ain’t I profound?
Drouche: I have read the blogs from the future, and they say you two are broken up by the time this show airs. Get off my stage if you’re done crying. Hey kids, did you know 99% of bronc’ riders’ boys can swim? Let’s bring out Mackenzie and Josh!
Josh: I’m really happy to be here, as evidenced by my shirt that covers my entire torso, and my lack of a stupid hat. By the way, I’m bronc’ riding again, even though I almost broke my neck in a car accident. It just seemed like the right thing to do. That’s what they say, get back on the horse, ain’t it?
Mackenzie: I’m tumbling again, but I’ll probably never go to college to earn my degree in competitive cheering. Also, we don’t have two cents to rub together between us, and we live with our respective parents, separately.
Drouche: What about birth control?
Mackenzie: Birth what?
Josh: I’m allergic to latex. I break out in a softie.
Drouche: Even I’ve heard of lambskin.
Mackenzie: I have the diabetes and the pill is bad for that.
Drouche: Let’s see what your mom thinks about all this.
Mack’s Mom: I think she shouldn’t take birth control because she shouldn’t be having sex. I also believe you can put shit back in the donkey.
Drouche: I really wish you would use birth control because the world doesn’t need any more dumb people. Let’s bring out Sarah and her mom.
Sarah: Check out how cute I got when I had some distance from my shrimper babydaddy!
Drouche: I heard he was making a grand a week. Why didn’t he send you any?
Sarah: He sent me $200. It’s been spent.
Drouche: That’s not what I heard. Also, Blake can totally make the time to come see you when there’s TV involved. Let’s bring him out.
Blake: I totally sent you $400.
Drouche: What do you want your daughter to know about you, Blake?
Blake: That I’m not a loser. I have my own house. That’s what I spent my money on while letting her starve and sit in a recycled diaper. I want to be happy.