Sarah: You don’t get to be happy. You gave up that right when you got me pregnant, just like I did.
Blake: I’d totally come back to your town if you and your mother would let me move back in with you.
Drouche: Your story has become tiresome. Especially since Kristina’s babydaddy is dead.
Kristina: Check out my eyebrows. I do have them.
Drouche: I don’t think you’ve told the story about your babydaddy drowning enough. Can you please go through it again, and don’t leave out any details this time.
Kristina: I tried to tell the lifeguards he was still underwater when they dragged me in, but they didn’t believe me and then I passed out.
Drouche: How do you feel about that? Sad, miserable, grief stricken, melancholic?
Kristina: That’s for my therapist to know and you to find out. I have a fiancé now too.
Drouche: That was fast, you harlot.
Kristina: That’s what my bestie aunt and uncle said before they stopped talking to me completely.
Drouche: How about your mother?
Kristina: It’s not that she’s not still an insufferable twat. It’s that I only have so many people who can babysit.
Drouche: How did you get pregnant?
Kristina: My doctor didn’t bother to tell me that taking antibiotics would make my birth control pills ineffective. I guess he thought telling me would just make me have more sex.
Drouche: Speaking of pills, Alex’s babydaddy ground them up and snorted them, and spent the entirety of his episode on the nod, right Alex? He couldn’t be here in person, but we’ve got him on live studio phone. Matt, are you clean and sober?
Matt’s voice: If you mean, is there alcohol going down my throat or drugs in my nose right now, no there is not. Also, I drove by an AA meeting last week.
Drouche: You should live in an AA meeting. I’m a medical alcoholic doctor.
Alex: Matt, you only pushed adoption because of your friends.
Matt: No, I pushed adoption because it was clear to me that neither of us met the criteria needed to be parents. Why is the junkie the only one who can grasp this?
Drouche: Junkies have no judgment, that’s why they need me to run their lives. Matt, get off my live studio phone if you’re going to be logical. Now let’s talk about him behind his back. Alex?
Alex: He drops our kid with his mom and screws other women. And they call me and text me and threaten me.
Drouche: You must have done something to deserve it. Like insist on keeping his kid. Shouldn’t you have given her away so she wouldn’t have to deal with Matt’s crap?
Alex: No, because I still would. I hooked up with him 10 days ago.
Drouche: That sounds like addiction, which reminds me of how smart I am. Allow me to elaborate, instead of actually helping you with that very unhealthy behavior you’re displaying. Because I like me better than you. I also really like addicts because they cry a lot. Let’s talk about Myranda’s mother.
Myranda: Thanks for totally blowing off the fact that I actually have a pretty decent babydaddy, which is especially impressive for a dumb girl.
Eric’s Younger Brother: Shhh… She totally thinks I’m Eric.
Drouche: Hey, remember on your show when you left your baby with your alkie mom and then she didn’t answer the phone? Did you think she was passed out, or perhaps selling your baby into prostitution?
Myranda: Maybe, but those chicken fingers at that restaurant were really good, and we had to eat them first. Did you know we’re engaged now?
Eric’s Brother: Yeah, what I did was I let the baby almost choke on the engagement ring. Romantical, eh?
Drouche: I need someone my age on this stage. Let’s bring out Nanny. Nanny, you said something prophetic about babies having babies.