16 and Pregnant Recap: The Biggest Loser

So! Teen Mom 3 is 75% cast, you guys! Are you excited?! What if I add more punctuation!!!!?!?!? How ’bout now!!!???!?!

The telegenic Mackenzie and her bull-ridin’ babydaddy will be there, along with the adorable Gannon. As will Alex and baby Arabella, with some possible appearances from now-admitted (and hopefully recovering) junkie Matt. The third mom is the insufferable Katie, because I guess she whined and nagged the producers until they included her to shut her up. If I were going to watch, this last part would make me sad, but in reality, I’m going to forget where MTV is on the dial as soon as this season of 16 mercifully ends. Heck, I might even see if DirecTV can replace MTV with blue screen. 

So, this week, we get two eps closer to the end of the season, which of course includes three extra eps if it’s like all the others. One with all the interesting stuff they painstakingly removed from the regular eps to make them as boring as possible, one with the follow-ups, and one with frigging Dr. Drew. Shut up in advance, Dr. Drew.

This week, we have Sarah, a baby-faced Georgian who wants to be a journalist. I read that she recently got something published on HuffPost. Are they paying their contributors yet? In any event, kudos to her, and if she’s actually book-smart, it remains a mystery what she was ever doing with this loser cumstick Blake. I guess when you start dating in 6th grade, you’ll take what’s there. Wait, no you won’t. Why is it necessary to date in 6th grade? I’m sure my 11-year-old self knows, not that I was dateable. Also, Sarah’s mom, Tina, does her makeup, and maybe not much else, and Blake is in the dark as to why Tina hates him. 

Taking off shoes and putting feet in the bed are hard, y’all. 

Sarah and Blake fish and talk about how they should have thought about birth control. Blake is not as regretful as Sarah is. I don’t really understand what he’s saying, and who knows if he does, but it’s something like, “we’ve made it this far as teenagers.” Like he’s done with that phase and ready for adulthood. Spoiler: he cuts straight to midlife crisis-leave your family. Wonder if it will hasten his death. He’s confident they can make it, he says. Her mouth says she agrees, but her expression says otherwise.

Apparently Blake doesn’t get along with his family. Can’t imagine why. So now he lives with Sarah and her mom and brothers so he can be lazy up close, and theoretically be there when the baby’s born. 

Sarah and her mom talk about how her mom thought she “would never do this.” Because of the good parenting she had?

The family sits down to breakfast, and I think Blake curses for reasons unknown, possibly milk-related. Mom asks if Sarah’s been sick this morning. Not yet. She explains that sugar can make her sick. I think this is a result of heartburn. We see later that she keeps the econo-pack of Tums on the table as if it were part of the salt ‘n’ pepper family.

I have no problem with this habit in regular people, but on him it looks particularly doggy. I can almost hear a slappy tongue and jowls.

Sarah narrates that Blake is chafing under her mom’s rules, which, tough shit. Especially when you see the cakewalk rules: Take out the trash, pick up a crib for your child, and save $10 a week. There are like, millions of uses for the oxygen this guy’s wasting.

Sarah and her Megan go to the swimmin’ hole. And I take back what I said about maternity swimsuits being a waste of money. Her bikini top looks like it’s not much more than two triangular pasties held together with string. I know it fit fine in those halcyon virgin days. Where is a good men’s tank top when you need one? Blake’s probably asleep and drooling on it. 

Does Sarah think Blake will leave? asks Megan, cutting to the chase quickly. Sarah says some words. 

In the next scene, Blake’s working on his boat, or at least moving piles of garbage from his boat to the yard it’s in. He tells Sarah he’s going to stay “at least until the baby’s born.” I really wish these girls were less optimistic overall. Typing the words in the scene makes it all so clear… I’m not sure what she thinks she’s hearing. 

Although your goal of hauling up nets and sorting shrimp is lofty, I kind of hope you’ll watch the baby so I can finish school and she can have one non-loser parent. 

“Let’s hope everything works out like you want it to,” says Blake.

Sarah tells her mom things are looking good as her mom glops makeup on her. Mom worries that Sarah and Blake will move down to the shrimp boat together and she’ll be caught off guard. Silly mother, that would mean Blake cares enough to try and make a home for his family! Their current home seems really full of stuff. Not exactly in a hoarding way, more of an inadequate storage way. As someone pointed out in the minicap comments, the stuff, including the furniture, then spills out onto the front yard. The house itself appears clinically depressed.

Doctor’s office. Blake shrugs when asked if he’s looking forward to being a daddy, and we learn he doesn’t even know where the hospital’s at [sic]. Mom watches, and the physical and mental discomfort are palpable.

This really takes me back to when some loser knocked me up and some midwife was digging around for my cervix. Good times.