Last week on AHS- Asylum: There was a super wicked storm. Chick from Step- Up and Adam Levine were shot dead (thank God) and Lesbo Lana, Kitty Kit and Gracie Lou Freebush tried to escape.
Great news guys, I’ve finally learned the other character’s names. I’ll pause for a second to wait for the applause to die down.
We open this episode at Briarcliff. No flashback to 2012 to see what’s happening Step – Up chick and most of Maroon 5. I guess they’re off writing a song for Magic Mike 2. HEY! Maybe they should have gone to a pay phone to call home. See what I did there?
Anycreatures, a new patient comes to Briarcliff for unknown reasons. She claims to be Anne Frank. THE Anne Frank. Anne Frank the diary girl. Woah y’all, plot twist to end all plot twist. If you’ve read the book, (Spoiler Alert: She dies) we know that it’s a bit strange that she’s claiming to still be alive after all these years. What is she doing here in the good old U.S.A? Hope she gets to visit Disney World. Where dreams really do come true when you wish upon a star.
They’re all chilling out in the rec room, I guess and “Anne Frank” is just a scribbling away. Sniff sniff, what’s that I smell? A sequel you say? I feel a series coming along. Anne Frank and The Prisoner of Briarcliff.
“This is totally going to be a New York Times best seller”
Lana approaches Anne to give her some advice about Briarcliff. I think they need someone new to drive the Mystery Machine, since Shelley is (ahem) legless. Lana tells Anne to cool it on the writing or they’ll punish her. Well Anne is all girl please, I’ve been through Auschwitz, you think I’m going to trust you. Lana, go get your own Scooby Snacks.
Speaking of Shelley, let’s see how she’s doing. What a nice comfy cot she is strapped down on. She awakens to see Dr. Arden (I know, I like Dr. Seuss better) standing over her. Poor thing asks if she’s going to die and sleaze-bag says that “After this, you’ll live forever” and proceeds to eject something into her head. Botox party! Shelley looks 25 but is actually 47. How does she do it? Stay tuned for a special made for TV offer.
I guess Shelley needed to ice her head while she waits for the Botox to set in, so in strolls Dr. Arden into the rec room. He pretends to care about the patients and then “Anne” spots him. Apparently she recognizes him as a Nazi Soldier that used to perform experiments on the women at Auschwitz. Homegirl freaks out. I’m talking white girl crazy, Real Housewives, Bad Girls Club freak out. Well guess what Anne, your little freak out earns you a trip to see Sister Christian. Sister Christian is talking to Anne about her claims of being THE Anne Frank and totally doesn’t believe her. Right, because she is definitely the person to be judging people. Anne says this is my story and I’m sticking to it. Sister Christian still doesn’t believe her, so Anne whips out the big guns. She slams her forearm down and shows her identification number tattoo. WELL WELL WELL, what do we have to say about that.