Dear TVGasm readers,
As you may have noticed Fran and I have not been around recapping your favorite million dollar scramble sponsored by Ford Focus, The Amazing Race. Right now Fran is out of town because she had a death in the family. Some second cousin got his ding dong stuck in a leaf blower or something, I think. To be honest I wasn’t really listening. Anyway, she and Lil’ C have been away so recapping has been hard without the full strength of Fran. Actually, my life in general has been a mess for the past two weeks. Fran’s not here to tell me where the can opener is, so I’ve been bashing cans of .99 cent chili against the side of the tub until they pop. But it does gives me a little added treat if I ever decide to take a bath.
Boxers and pants and shirts and socks have blocked my path to the bed so I’ve been sleeping on the floor, I’m down to wearing old halloween costumes. And I’ve completely licked the jar of peanut butter clean.
But after hearing all your kinds words about us and our past recaps we realized life must go on! I think that’s what Fran’s cousin with the blown out dong would have said. So, let’s get recapping. You’ll have to forgive me if it’s not as thorough. Without my muse Fran, I’m only but half a man. Luckily, it’s the top half. With my eyes, brain and typing fingers. Truth be told I haven’t been using the bottom half for much of anything since she’s been away.
So here are our teams:
Dave & Conner: Team Remission. Dad and son with ball cancer. Just like Lance Armstrong. Except without Sheryl Crow, or the winning, or the steroids, or the likeability. Or anything interesting at all.
Jessica & John: Team Broseph. Just a couple of surfers. A dude and dudette just trying to get through this gnarly world, brah. Mainly by being sneaky assholes.
Chuck & Wynona:Team Mullet. He works at Wal-Mart. She has trouble running!
Kenny Powers is on the Amazing Race?!
Caroline & Jennifer: Team CMT. A couple a country singin’ ladies that does mind using their strengths. And by that I mean their boobs.
Joey & Meghan: Team Internet. A young, annoying Youtube hosting couple. SUBSCRIBE! SUBSCRIBE! CLICK HERE TO COMMENT! CLICK TO LIKE! IGNORE TO GO TO HELL!
Mona & Beth: Team Jammer Moms. Some Roller Derby Doll ladies who are moms. Side note: A “Jammer” is the only word I know associated with Roller Derby. Side note 2: I do not believe these woman have ever actually played Roller Derby in their lives.
Idries & Jamil: Team Brother, Brother. Like Sister, Sister. Except they’re guys. And doctors. Hello ladies! I hope you like your twins sexy AND whiney!
Bates & Anthony: Team Slapshot. Hockey playin’ bros!
Max & Katie: Team Psycho. Oh my God. This guy scares the crap out of me. When he looks into the camera my blood runs cold. She seems crazy too, but he’s evil! Did you see him smoke that cigar in the first episode?! Creepy.