American Horror Story – Asylum Recap: Catching up with AshSmash and Evil Santas

Hello all! So my sincerest apologies for getting behind. So much crizzap has been going on lately that I’ve fallen behind. I know, excuses excuses. I hate them (excuses) and I feel horrible for not getting stuff in on time. Don’t want to let y’all and the staff down! 

To get caught up, I’m going to include a few paragraphs from last week’s episode and then we’ll dive into “Unholy Night” 

Dark Cousin:

We see that Gracie Lou Freebush’s hysterectomy did not go so well. There is also some random dude patient who tries to kill himself but it saved. Grace is getting ready to die and then THE ANGEL OF DEATH appears. Angel chick is getting ready to kill Grace, but she is resuscitated.  I see someone paid attention in CPR class. Dr. Sleazebag and Evil Mary argue a bit over who did the operation and now they’re not besties anymore. 

“I totes thought we wuz homies”

THE ANGEL OF DEATH figures out that Mary is possessed and then real Mary says she wants to be a real girl, but the devil is having none of that. Also, Thredson rapes Lana and she manages to escape…..right back into Chalet Briarcliff. Kit digs his way back into the asylum also, but is being chased by the Teenage Mutant Supercreatures out in the enchanted forrest. Kitty Kat meets up with Grace so they can escape but Frank the security guard shoots her. So now she dead. Oh and Sister Christian went to find the girl she hit when she was a bit white girl schwasted, but it turns out the little girl is alive and has her own kid. The End

NOWWWW, onward to Unholy Night. Let’s see whats up with my homies at Briarcliff. Wasn’t Sister Christian supposed to go that home in Pennsylvania for girls? WILL I EVER GET TO SEE MY MUSICAL DANCE NUMBER? 

This week we start off with a flashback to 1962. A boy walks up to a Santa with one of those salvation army buckets and tells Santa he wants one of those Davey Crockett hats. Now now, little boy, I think you’ve got it wrong. You’re supposed to put the coonskin hat INTO the bucket, not ask for one. Kids, the little runts. The bell ringing Santa is packing up for the night when some other guy comes and says “don’t disappoint the kid” Santa is not pleased with random creepy dude telling him how to do his job, so he get’s sassy with him. Sassy Santa is sassy. Random dude shoots sassy Santa. Say that five times fast. 

 Later on, the random dude dons the bloody santa uniform and goes to this girl’s house to kill her parents. Nothing says Christmas cheer like a triple homicide. MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!

Merry Christmas indeed.

A year later, the random Santa dude becomes a patient at Briarcliff. Sister Christian keeps him tied up so he doesn’t impale anyone with the Christmas spirit. For once, Sister Christian made the right decison because Evil Santa shackle dude decides to go all Mike Tyson on us and bites off an orderly’s ear and lip. I can really feel the Christmas spirit of joy, peace and cannibalism coursing through my veins. 

We must have all hopped in our DeLorean and said goodbye to Doc, because we’re back in 1964. Glad we didn’t fade out of those pictures, or else we’d be doomed. 

Quick! We’ve run out of Plutonium 

 Evil Mary is trying to be all festive for the holidays. WELLLL how sweet of her. But wait a sec, let me put my thinking cap on and hop in the Mystery Machine to investigate. Mary is possessed by a demon (or the spirit of Michael Jackson, HEE HEE WOOO) and she’s celebrating Christmas. Christmas which is religious (unless that offends you, because I don’t care) Christmas, the holiday we celebrate the birth of our Lord. Unless you’re jewish, in that case DRADLE DRADLE DRADLE. So we have, Evil devil possessed Mary, christmas and her celebrating it. One of these things just doesn’t belong here. Shouldn’t she be like hyperventilating or something? Melting perhaps? 

Anyquestions, they don’t have any ornaments for the tree, so they decorate it with their belongings. Brilliant idea, Evil Mary.

Down in the evil lair, Dr. Sleazebag and Security guard Ace Ventura are pondering over Gracie Lou Freebush’s dead body. Frank prays over it and wants to go see the PoPo about the murder. Sleazebag goes “You a dumb hoe, that’s turning yourself in.” I really do have a way with words. Like poetry coming from clouds and butterflies. 

Sister Christian strolls into an office where Evil Mary is. Can we just talk about the fact that I have no clue where she came from? She was fired. She. Was. Fired. F-I-R-E-D. Trying to de-possess evil Mary, Sister Christian tries to slit her throat. Somehow, Mary and Sleazebag have some ESPN going on here and he comes to rescue. WHAT the eff is going on here. When did those two get connections? Whateva. 

Sleazebag pretends he’s going to escort Sister Christian to the debutante ball, but actually makes her leave the building. Ladies and Germs, Sister Christian has left the building. 

While leaving, Sleazebag tells Mary about random security guard dude bro wanting to go to the PoPo and turn himself in. Evil Mary says she’ll take care of business. She grabs a Santa suit, goes to evil Santa Leigh and says “LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS  TO DEFEAT…….THE HUNS” Actually, she wants him to kill Frank or something. I don’t even know what’s going on half the time with this show. 

Dr. Sleazebag has returned from wherever he went. Honestly, I don’t care. He has a present for Mary. Goody goody gum drops. It’s a pair of earrings and Mary is just overcome with joy. I’m being serious. Dr. Sleazebag tells her that they came from a woman at a Nazi camp. She swallowed them to protect them from being taken and he got them out of her, ahem, number two. WHAT THE EFF. Who just wakes up one morning and goes “I think I’ll dig around in someone’s crap today.” Apparently Arden does. That wacky SOB. Also, he expects Mary to be shocked by this story, but she is not. Dr. Sleazebag, I expected you to be more knowledgeable about this, Mary just goes with tha flow. 

“Do you like ‘em? They were on sale at Wal-Mart. Roll back those prices!”

Lesbo Lana has got her panties all in a wad because Mary hasn’t done anything about Bloody face yet. Really Lana, really? I know she could care less, plus she has the bangin new earrings to show off. She doesn’t have time for a peasant like you. Lana and the rest of the gang discover that Kit is back, back again. Kit is back, tell a friend. You go Lana, two Scooby snacks for you. Kitty Kit is having a dream about Gracie Lou and Alma, when Lana wakes him up. Rule number one: Never ever EVER wake someone up. Stupid. Lana tells Kit that Thredson is the killer and that they’re going to prove Kit innocent. Great idea gang! Kit’s gotta finish his nap first. Priorities. 

HOW DARE YOU WAKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER!

Sister Christian is back and she’s ready to rant and rave about the commercialism of Christmas. While I do have to say, people all of a sudden become generous when Christmas rolls around. It’s wonderful to give to others in need. I myself try to buy presents for a child who won’t get any, but what about the other 363 days of the year. But, I am also a hypocrite because I don’t really do much the rest of the year either. Moving on, Sleazebag interrupts Jude’s meeting to talk about Mary. He admits that she was right and Mary is indeed possessed by the devil. WELL DUH. I’m kicking you out of the gang and you can no longer ride in the Mystery Machine. Sucks to suck

Monsignor Howard brings a gift of a nice pointy star to put on the tree. Because that’s a great idea to have around unstable and criminally insane patients. As if to prove my point, insane Santa tackles Howard and cuts his face with the star. He was going to stab the Monsignor, but orderly’s got to him. Meanwhile, Sleazebag tells Mary to go the office to get her note for skipping class. I’m paraphrasing. 

“So a priest, a rabbi and an evil possessed nun walk into a bar”

For some reason or another, Thredson is back at the asylum and stops Lana from dialing a phone. He destroyed all the evidence and she cause him to do it. Way to go Lana. You’re a life ruiner. He says she can talk to the PoPo all she wants because in the end, she’s a mental patient and he’s a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist who cuts people up, but nonetheless. Thredson tries to strangle Lana, but Kit comes to save the day. Lana wants to kill him, but Kit needs him to prove his innocence. 

 They’ll totally believe this degree I got online from Mexico.

Sister Christian and Mary prepare to have their talk, but first, Mary pays to visit to Frank. She gets all upset over Frank being mean to evil Santa or something like that and slits his throat. What is it with these people and slitting throats. Why not go for the heart or something. Idiots. Evil Santa goes to Sister Christian while she’s waiting for Mary. Mary then locks the door and Arden glides away.

I swear on my rosary, I will punch you in the throat. 

Sleazebag goes to feed Grace to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Cannibals when he is BLINDED BY THE LIGHT DO DO DO DOO DOO DOO. Back in the office, Santa canes Sister Christian and prepares to rape her, but she stabs him in the throat. And we end for this week

So, what did everyone think?

I have so many questions. Why is Mary so keen on evil santa? Is Arden wanting to free Mary or does he like her? Why did Thredson come back? Why is there so much raping going on. No me gusta.

Until Next week!

-AshSmash

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