American Horror Story Asylum Recap: Pregnancy: the Cruelest STD

***Please welcome your new American Horror Story recapper to the fold, RJ!! Have fun, tiger!

Despite whatever Pat Robertson has probably been saying on “the 700 Club”, Ryan Murphy’s most cringe-inducing creation isn’t “the New Normal”- and this week, “American Horror Story: Asylum” continues to prove that nothing is as torturous as trying to keep up with the patchwork of characters on this show.

In a shout-out to season 1, Dylan McDermott (of “the Practice” and SNL’s recent sketch “Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney?”) makes his first appearance in a therapy session in the present day, begging to be cured of his obsession. What’s his obsession? It’s skinning dead cats, which apparently is a euphemism, or the world’s laziest double entendre, for killing and skinning live women. D McDermott beats that pussy up, just like dear old dad.

Dermot Mulroney, President and CFO, Beat That Pussy Up, Inc.

In grand Ryan Murphy style, ‘dad’ is quickly revealed to be Bloody Face, aka Dr. Oliver Thredson, who unceremoniously raped Sarah Paulson’s Lana as she was tied up in his basement a few episodes ago. (Side note: Sarah Paulson hasn’t been unceremoniously screwed so quickly or without emotion since NBC cancelled the fantastic “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”)

We also see Jenna Dewan Tatum’s final fate, as we flash to Bloody Face Jr. butchering her in an attempt to make dear old dad proud. I guess we can all rest assured that she won’t be carrying Adam Levine’s baby to term. His only offspring will remain a bunch of mid-tempo, adult friendly top 40 hits.

Two things that always prevent a great performance from Adam Levine: condoms and God-given talent

Finally, we return to 1964, where the real crazies inhabit Briarcliff, instead of wandering the streets and killing their therapists, like in the present day. Say what you want about the Catholic Church, but their agenda of locking up anyone even remotely insane and/or rebellious against the status quo probably saved a lot of lives and prevented a lot of pain. Save for that whole priest rape thing.