American Horror Story Asylum Recap: Pregnancy: the Cruelest STD

Kit, however, is able to secure a confession from Thredson that would probably cast enough reasonable doubt to get Kit released. Unfortunately, his plan for hiding the tape holding the confession involves wrapping it in a towel and shoving it under a ceramic bathtub. Dr Arden sees Kit hide the tape, but lets it slide, as he needs Kit for further experimentation. Dr Arden, who apparently didn’t get his rocks off enough by completely disfiguring Chloe Sevigny, plans to bring Kit to the brink of death in order to get the “aliens” who have kidnapped Kit’s wife and Kit’s latest paramour/stabby patient of the month at Briarcliff, Grace, to return.

The Germans are very persuasive people, and they build excellent sports cars. 

Kit, being the kind of naïve New England character that would play buddy to Ben Affleck or Matt Damon in any of their Boston-centric movies, agrees to this proposition if it gives him even the slightest chance to see his probably dead/maybe kidnapped by aliens wife again. Nine episodes in and you’d think these characters would have learned to trust no one, let alone a former Nazi doctor with a tiny penis and a mean misogynistic streak.

Dr Nazi is correct, though, as the “aliens” do return when they sense that Kit’s life is in danger. The bad Doc follows the light and out-of-place for 1964 rock music down the hall to discover Pepper with a fully pregnant and naked Grace. The nudity is done tastefully, as we wouldn’t want to offend sensibilities on a show that has at least one throat slitting per episode.

Speaking of throat slitting, Sister Jude’s osteoporosis has clearly bested her, as her attempt at slitting the throat of Ian McShane’s evil Santa last week left him with only a small bandage around his neck and the ability to tell Monsignor Timothy that Sister Jude was the culprit behind the murder of Frank the guard.

For a show that thrives on horrible imagery, the most disturbing scene of the season has to be Jessica Lange’s pale chicken legs flailing around the bed she has been restrained to- no amount of JWoww’s self-tanner is going to save this scene, or Sister Jude, for her past misgivings.

Sister Jude attempts to befriend Lana by apologizing and promising to get her out of Briarcliff. Like Kit, Lana is oddly trusting of Jude’s apology and her promise. Jude saunters up to the record player and shatters the record of the singing nuns, which apparently is enough to gain Lana’s trust. I guess Jude is a fan of chillwave or trap or drum and bass or whatever it is those damn kids are listening to now.

Sister Mary Eunice promises to help Monsignor Timothy ascend to the Papacy, or at the very least, she has some wonderful Avon products that may be of interest to him 

The Monsignor, chided by Sister Mary’s Eunice’s promise that she could help him become the next Pope, takes Evil Santa under his guidance. Evil Santa claims he wants forgiveness and to eventually apologize to all 18 of his murder victims once he crosses the pearly gates of Heaven. The Monsignor, which must be Latin for ‘dumbest fuck ever’, agrees to help Evil Santa gain salvation and lets him out of his restraints for a baptism.

In the least shocking thing to happen in a pool of standing water since we all discovered that a Black guy didn’t kidnap Susan Smith’s children, Evil Santa drowns the Monsignor, and dashes his chances of becoming Pope and sticking it to his brother, Ralph Fiennes, for being the most successful Fiennes ever.

C’est la vie. We shall see if the Monsignor survived his bath upon the return of Asylum next month.

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