American Horror Story Asylum Recap: Sister Christian Oh Your Time Has Commeeeeee

Last Week on American Horror Story Asylum: Lana and Thredson busted outta that place, Anne Frank is a dirty liar and  Bloody Face was revealed. 

Hey y’all, I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving and spending their money on useless electronics for 25% off the regular everyday price. Who got a black eye? Gobble gobble bitches. IS IT CHRISTMAS BREAK YET I’M TIRED OF SCHOOL.

This episode begins with Adam Levine and chick from Step Up in 2012. Police come to Briarcliff and find 98% of Maroon Five laying dead and the other copycat Bloody Faces are hanging in the Lobby. Very nice decorations. Chick from Step Up is still alive because somewhere else in the place, another Bloody Face is standing over her. 

Flash back to 1964. A random mom drops her kid off at Chalet Briarcliff so she can learn the facts of life. The little girl looks exactly like Wednesday Adams (dun na na nun snap snap). Apparently little Wednesday has been kinda evil and killed a little girl but claims a man with a beard did it. Mom begs sister Christian to take the girl but Sister Christian says this ani’t no babysitters club and she has to get back to hittin the booze. Well Wednesday, you take the good you take the bad and there you have the facts of life, THE FACTS OF LIFE. Jude shoos the girl away but finds out that her mom has left little Wednesday (snap snap) at the asylum.

Sister Christian really needs to find some more wine so evil Mary is asked to watch over the girl. Oh, that’s a great idea. She’ll probably send her to Dr. Sleazebag and then feed her to the forrest creatures.

“So my BFF told me she likes John, but I like John, so I killed her.”

Surprisingly, Sister Mary evil takes to Wednesday and they are in the kitchen preparing some random meal. I bet it’s baked with love and friendship. Evil Mary basically tells Wednesday Adams that all people are evil because apparently some friends of hers made her dive in a pool naked. I would hate them too. What Mary was really angry about was that no one complemented her on her freshly toned tushy thanks to Richard Simmons. The whole DVD collection was only three easy payments of $29.95 (Not including shipping and handling) (Also, these are real customer testimonies, not paid actors) Must be 18 or older to order. TWO THREE AND STRETCH YOU GO GIRL.

Look into my eyes. Feel the will to lose weight. YOU GO GIRL. 

Over at Dr. Thredson’s humble abode, Lana wakes to find pictures of Wendy all around her. Glamour Shots to be specific. Lana recalls on the time that they went on a date to the mall and paid $19.99 to a girl named Shawna to get crappy pictures taken. Okay so I made that up, but I digress. After looking around and seeing all of the pictures, Lana realizes that she is still in the Saw basement and chained into a bed.