American Horror Story Asylum Recap: Sister Christian Oh Your Time Has Commeeeeee

 Thredson is cooking a delicious breakfast. He sees that Lana has awakened and tells her to make sure you use fresh bones and flesh, but if you can’t murder a woman, skin her and have the meat around, store bought is fine. Ina Garten, I mean Thredson, gives Lana the most important meal of the day. Lana compliments him and says it is good.

“I see you made sure to only use GOOD wine” 

He sits down on the bed and starts to talk about his past. This is where we find out that Thredson wasn’t hugged enough as a child and has mommy issues. He started his love for skinning women when he was in medical school. They were looking at women and she resembled his mother and he wanted to feel her skin. Hire a hooker. He couldn’t bare to leave her so he skinned her. Well, when I was in medical school studying psychology, we didn’t see dead bodies. Also, I was never in medical school. 

Lana pretends to be sympathetic with him but I can’t tell if she’s just trying to make herself live longer or if she actually cares. Thredson says that now he has Lana, she will be his mommy. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL EFF IS GOING ON. He starts calling her mom and that is as creepy as modern day sorority girls calling their boyfriends “fratdaddy” Frat on good sir. Frat hard.

 Monsignor Howard gets called to some place and we find out what happened to Shelly when those school girls discovered her.  After they beat her up for not being One Direction, she lands in a hospital which is where Howard finds her. He realizes that she is from the Asylum and discovers that what Dr. Sleazebag is doing is wrong. Flashback to when Briarcliff was a TB ward. Monsignor talks to Arden and Arden says that he is trying to find a cure for people so that they will live foreva.  Howard thinks this is a fantastic plan and allows Arden to stay on as head Dr. for the Asylum. Monsignor then runs off to get some Scooby snacks to celebrate. 

Going back to the hospital, Monsignor prepares to pray for Shelley, he places those Catholic beads around her neck and mercy kills her by strangling her. And that’s the end of Shelley as we know it. So long, farewell, have fun being a nymphomaniac!

Howard goes back to Briarcliff to confront Dr. Sleazebag about his experiments. Well, ladies and germs, I AshSmash, was wrong about Monsignor Howard, he is actually good. Well well WELL.

Dr. Arden blows Howard off and says that he is doing great things. It turns out he is injecting the patients with a combo of Syphilis and TB. Sounds delicious   Sleazebag’s latest victim is that guy who used to masturbate all the time. We’ll call him Bob. Anyways, Bob was caught looking at evil Mary bathing and Arden caught him and well, now he’s a mutant. Dreams really do come true.  Howard is quite appalled at this, but Sleazebag says he has dirt on Monsignor so he should shut his pie hole. Oh and fire Sister Christian. You know it’s hard out here for a catholic Monsignor. I made that up myself. 

 We hear the ringtone “Gold Digga” and it turns out that Thredson’s phone is ringing. He goes upstairs to answer it and it’s Kit on the other line. He thinks he’s calling Domino’s but he got Thredson instead. Kit asks Thredson to come get him but Thredson says Hell No. Meanwhile, Lana sees her chance to escape and crawls over and begins to saw through her   chain. Am I watching American Horror Story or the first installment of Saw?? 

AM I THE 1200 CALLER? Oh it’s you, Thredson.