Meanwhile, Sister Christian and the rest of Night Ranger look through the evil lair. They open the door only to find that Shelley is not there. I know what y’all are thinking, she’s dinner. FOILED AGAIN.
Sister Christian calls the po po Nazi hunter and tells him the jig is up. Those meddling kids. She shoos out Anne, uh Charlotte and her husband. They head on home to the cellar, I mean, house. Dr. Sleazebag returns from the hospital and rolls up to Sister Christian’s office. He gets his man period and whines about Jude going into his lair and blah blah blah blah blah blah I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
Get a room. Geeze.
Like, I have never hated a fictional character so much before. I despise him with the passion of a thousand burning suns. He is the scum between my toes. The ring around the toilet bowl. That annoying juice that comes out of the top of the Ketchup bottle. That feeling you get when you run out of bacon. That is Dr. Sleazebag.
As if I don’t already hate enough people, Dr. Thredson decides he needs to enter stage right. He convinces my kitty Kit that he needs to confess on tape so that Kit won’t get the chair. The question Kit should have asked was “Is it a Lay-z-boy?” Always comfy, always a classic. Priorities Kit, Priorities.
Kit is back in his cell and he and Gracie Lou Freebush have a precious little romantic moment. They pretend that the wall is down between them and you know they want to sex it up again, but alas, Sister Mary Evil has come to deliever good news. She’s all, “HARK, do not be afraid for I come bering great news of joy! You, my dear cute kitty kit, get to keep your manhood.” Kit does a little celebratory fist pump (Joisey Shore style, Baby I Like IT) and is released from his cell.
Sister Mary Evil walks next door to Grace’s cell and Grace thinks she has come to bring her her sash and crown. Be the crown, Gracie Lou. Grace is sadly mistaken because Sister Mary says that Grace still gets to sterilized. Ooo, tough luck. Shortly thereafter, Grace is visited by some aliens and no I am not kidding when I say that. Mother effing aliens gangnam style their way up into her crib and take her to some white world. I’m not sure what they do, as I had my hands over my eyes again.
Alma shows up and she’s pregnant. So I’m guessing that she’s still alive. Dr. Thredson comes up to Lana in the rec room to tell her that tonight they’re bustin out of this joint. Lana is just giddy with joy. She just can’t wait to be a lesbian again.
Yay. It’s time for Dr. Sleazebag to change the gauze on his gunshot wound and appears Sister Mary Douchebag. She’s all “Let me change it, Dr. wink wink wink I’m a slut he he giggle.” While she is wrapping his leg, Dr. tells her thanks for saving my ass. Mary says it’s not problemo, Shelley doesn’t weigh much, I just dragged her off into the woods. BUT WAIT. Shelley isn’t in the woods. She’s at a school. To get more knowledge so she can go to college. I made that up myself. You’re welcome, America.
Sister Mary Evil just dumped her down a stairwell for some kids to find. She starts crawling up the stairs grudge style and the teacher and everyone screams.
THERE’S ONLY ONE BEYONCE TICKET LEFT????
Back at Chalet Briarcliff, Charlotte’s husband has arrived. Turns out he wants to return his wife because apparently she tried to suffocate their baby. If only Babs was there to offer her some parenting advice. Could you imagine? “TAKE CARE OF YA DAMN KID CHARLOTTE! NAZI’S? THEY’RE FRIGGIN LOOSAHS. STAWP BEIN AWL OBSESSED WITH THIS ANNE GURL. YAH PAHTY GURL.” They throw Anne in a cell. Her husband corners Dr. Sleazebag and says thanks for not pressing charges. He then begs for the doctor to help his wife. Sleazebag gets an evil gleam in his eye and says LEZ DO IT.