American Idol 2012 – The Finale

Recaps

By PearlBlackDragon | Thursday, May 24, 2012 | 12:06 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: American Idol, Recaps

So here we are.  The finale.  This has been a season of ups and downs. Mostly downs as this was the season of the fairly blase.  But no need to wax poetic as I am sure Idol will do that for me since we have two hours to kill.

Let’s do this…

To start of the most exciting night of one person’s life we are treated to a garbled, barely rehearsed version of Runaway Baby.

Just. No.

It was so bad they tried to distract us with a dance number. Fail. And Idol wonders why they have lost viewers. Can’t be the awesome production.

Well that can’t be fun for anyone

Here come the judges and they are all dressed nicely. Which annoys me because I wanted to yell at one of them for dressing like a hobo on finale night. Steven. Oh well.

This is well dressed for these three.

I get really excited when I see Billie from Days of Our Lives in the audience though.  Hi Billie! When she looks at the camera it’s like she knows me.

Sooo does Beau know you’re out with some dude?

Ryanne pops on stage to tell us that last night a record 132 million votes were cast to determine the winner. Holy shitballs! 132 million. That’s, well, a lot. As for me, Captain Obvious I’ll be here all night.

I like when girls wear tuxedos

Tonight’s first time killer?
Phillip Phillips and CCR’s John Fogerty singing Have You Ever Seen The Rain.
JEEBUS! I would be too in awe to actually sing.  And I know I don’t need to critique any more since it’s all over but the cryin’ but…meh.
Wait. What? They are also doing Bad Moon Risin? That’s like my favoritest song. This one is way more fun! I wanna make fun of Mr. Fogerty but my hair would fall out and I would break out in hives. Although if I did lose my hair I could borrow Mr. Fogerty’s toupee. LOL – and I’m off to hell! I’ll send a postcard.

Phillip, John, and John’s cat

 We segue into a fun montage of the crazy that happened during auditions where we “meet” a young Samoan who is now my favorite human on the planet.  He is outside the room obviously waiting for someone who is auditioning and he looks at Ryanne and asks, “So who are you?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry Ryanne’s ego.

Don’t play me little girl. Who are you?

Next time killer is Joshua Ledet, doing some churchy song.  I know, it’s a stretch. Laughing my head off. This song sounds like some cheesy 70′s sitcom title sequence. And it’s about to get better/worse as Fantasia joins Joshua on stage. Holy shit this lady just James Brown’d the hell out of those lyrics. Seriously, does anyone know what she said? One word?
We find that the Idol producers are as horrified by this as I, as they cut the performance and go to commercial. LOVE IT!

A world full of NOs fit onto one tiny stage

It’s montage time again. This time it’s a loop of Jimmy Iovine constantly calling JLo, Jessica. Awesome on so many levels. Sorry Jen’s ego.

Give the senior citizen a cue card already and quit playin’

Well that wasn’t fair. They showed us something funny because now we have to watch the top 12 girls do some crappy mash-up. Definitely not the way to boost sales for the summer tour. Blech.  What a craptacular. Oh look! It’s Chaka Khan messing up the song. What the fuck is with these ladies and the catsuits? No! It’s like shoving 20 lbs of meat into a 5 lb casing. The only reason I don’t fast forward this part is because I’m hoping for something to blow. Would be so full of the spectacular.

Wait for it…waiiiiit for iiiiit

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I live in the wonderful land of Canadia.

I am the warden of a teen and not teen.

In my spare time I like wine, TV, and wine.

Sometimes I like stuff but mostly I like things.

I am loud mouthed and am not afraid to show my true colours.  What you see is what you get.  Unless you add wine.  Then you get more.

In a perfect world I would rule it. And you would all bring me dirty rock stars.  It would be a good life for all even though I wouldn't reward you.  Your reward would be knowing I'm happy. Also, bring wine.  I would like that. Don't be sad. If stuff wasn't all about me it would be all about the Kardashians. Lesser of two evils. Well, more tolerable of two evils. OK well, I at least would encourage drinking. JEEZ QUIT BEING SO NEEDY AND GET OFF MY BACK. I would let you use my air. There. Happy? Now leave me alone.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 1:47 am

    Ha ha ha, I haven’t watched this yet (I was working through the awesome last few Glee episodes of this season), but now I can watch it with your voice in my ear. It’ll be like sitting on the couch next to my older brother’s awesome girlfriend, knowing that she knows of things I’ll never know and knowing she’ll never be the one to teach me…

    Oops. Sorry about that.

    Who cares who won! And 132 million votes means nothing since people can use robot-voting apps. At least the people at VFTW are happy. And that is, after all, all that matters.

  2. 2
    itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:28 am

    Okay, now that I’ve watched the first 15 minutes, and especially the bit featuring Phil and John Fogerty, one of the greatest rock songwriters of them all (and a poster child for record industry abuse), I gotta say: Phil blows chunks. It’s bad enough listening to him sing alone. But put him next to Fogerty and he’s just so woefully outclassed, it just exposes the whole American Idol experience as a terrible joke on America. Fortunately, the kept turning Phil’s mic way down whenever he tried to croak alongside Fogerty, because he really really cannot hold a tune. It’s surprising. Shocking, even.

    Oh, I’ll get around to watching the rest later. I had to stop during the Joshua/Fantasia chicken-choking contest. What the hell were those two doing?

  3. 3
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Weird, I lost my avatar for a minute there.

  4. 4
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Ah yes Fantasia—I think my eyes stopped bleeding. The cut-outs on her outfit showed cellulite–amiright?????

    And then Chaka Khan-sigh………I think I saw camel-toe and then the world went very spinny, bleedy and I groped for my wine glass.

    But we knew PP would win right kids? Maybe he has a little gratitude for the experience and the tremendous gift that his smug self has been given.

  5. 5
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 7:34 am

    And also–loooooved seeing Miss Jennifer Holliday– take a lesson you Idol hopefuls!!!! She is brilliant!!!!

  6. 6
    msjacqmills
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 9:32 am

    I loved Chaka! I’m not normally a fan of the catsuit, but Chaka schooled Fantasia in the art of wearing one. Chaka was fabulous!

  7. 7
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Chaka looks like she lost a lot of weight.
    Old girl serving meemaw sessy.

  8. 8
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I love you sheesh…I have always wonder how to spell “Sessy”.

  9. 9
    labteach labteach
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I’m still not understanding why, in the name of all that’s holy, they couldn’t have crowned a winner with the two hours they had? They seriously needed an EXTRA seven minutes?? I agree with you PBD that 10 minutes would have been plenty!

  10. 10
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I didn’t watch but Ace Young proposed to Diana Degarmo?
    The same Ace Young Taywhore Armstrong was rubbing up on?

  11. 11
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    My Fast-Forward Button is breathing a huge sigh of relief now that its hard-working five months of hell are over. Between A. Idol and the Voice, the poor thing has had enough. I may decide not to abuse it any further after putting it through all those hours of boring. Idol should have just ceased production after the ’09 banner year of Kradam, and the Voice is way too tedious for me to bother watching again.

  12. 12
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    That wasn’t a marriage proposal, it was a bit of product placement for a ring company. Talk about whoring yourself out — the fucker sold out his goddamned bullshit marriage proposal. Idiot. Douchebag.

  13. 13
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    You forgot Stunt Queen. Although I applaud “the fucker”.

  14. 14
    melange
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Diana DeG was wearing so much makeup I didn’t recognize her. I guess once you’re on Broadway, you think you need that much spackle 100% of the time? Or maybe it was just to make Ace look his spackle was normal?

    Jennifer Holiday committed every sin we’ve accused Jessica of all season, tenfold. Excessive vibrato. Overacting. Growling. Gaping maw. Eyeball bulging. Er, where did the idea of ‘making it look easy’ go? I know that song requires emoting, but Come On. I was sure *someone* was giving birth. It was everything I hate about Broadway style. Just awful.

    I noticed that Philip made only 3 appearances in the show: his introduction, shortly followed by his (pretty awful) duet, and then the announcement at the end. I know he’s had surgeries and health issues, but isn’t it unfair? 100% of his time is dedicated to resting and rehearsing, when the rest of the contestants have a full schedule. Not that it matters…

    Since AI started allowing contestants to play instruments while they sing (5 seasons so far), ALL of the winners have been white guys with guitars. After Colton was let go, it was always going to be Philip.

  15. 15
    Unlurking
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Melange, the white guys with guitars keep winning because the vast majority of power voters are girls. As a rule, tween/teen girls secretly hate all other girls. Heck, even the middle aged women I know vote for the white guy with guitar.

    I thought last season was the worst EVER AI season. I now take that back, I think this year takes the prize. Seriously, is Jimmy the only non-participant in the Lovefest? So many episodes, my ears were left bleeding, while the judges gave standing O’s. Maybe they had some miracle drug they took that made these kids sound like stars. If so, I need some. For when my cats find a spider. Their victory song sounds quite a bit like Jessica warbling. Remarkably similar, actually.

  16. 16
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    What the FUCK is up with Jennifer Holiday????
    I’m not going to sleep well tonight.

  17. 17
    MtnMama
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    Mmmmmm, I loved Phil from the start. He always reminded me of Bob Seger and a splash of Clapton rather than John Mayer or Dave Matthews. The world needs an updated James Taylor and I think he’s it. Oh, yeah, you can be my handyman, Mr. Phil. I’ll call you, I promise. (Dang! Mr. MtnMama is eyeing my screen suspiciously!)

  18. 18
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    The difference between Bob Seger and Phil is that Seger can indeed sing (even if I hate — truly hate — his music). But I can see Phil having a great career making whiny semi-rock music in the late 1990s. As soon as they invent a time machine, he’s gold.

    The main thing that pisses me off about the guy is that he just so bland and boring. At least Snotty McCreepy was a Howdie Doody doll come to life.

    And yeah, that Holiday woman scared the shit out of me too. I appreciated Seacrest’s warning about how “emotional” the song was gonna be. I had many emotions watching that woman sing, ranging from bemusement to scorn to semi-outrage.

  19. 19
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 25, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Okay, last thought, then I’ll stop. Promise. Fingers crossed.

    Did anyone else feel really sorry for Neil Diamond? Guy used to have a fantastic voice. So what happened? He’s not that old, is he?

    I almost feel more sorry for the people who bought tickets for his tour. How is he going to pull that off? I accept croak-singing from Lou Reed. But not from Neil Diamond.

  20. 20
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Oh no let’s keep on discussing.
    Neil Diamond…I KNOW!
    Rodel and I were talking as we were watching this and I said that it was cool how Chaka Khan can still deliver and he said “Well that’s to be expected most singers keep their voices” which did make me stare at him for a couple of seconds.
    The when Neil Diamond started singing I turned to Rodel and said. “Well there goes that theory.”

    Fantasia…I swear she looked like a sasquatch that was bitten by a Cullen. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a tranq gun trained on her throughout that performance.

    The Steven Tyler skit with the sloth. I really hope someone got fired after that shit.

    Jennifer Lopez in that hammertime outfit! I don’t think harem pants are supposed to fall like hers did.

  21. 21
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 12:06 am

    You know, I held a sloth once in Colombia. It’s the most fantastic feeling.

    Another classic case of a voice gone south: Serge Gainsbourg.

    Mick Jagger’s another one– he can’t sing at all anymore. I’ve read that he has a voice double when the Stones tour, who does all the singing, and he just lipsyncs.

    Steven Tyler’s held up pretty well, considering.

  22. 22
    See-Jay
    Posted May 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    I thought Jennifer Holliday was horrible and looked deranged throughout the performance.

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