So here we are. The finale. This has been a season of ups and downs. Mostly downs as this was the season of the fairly blase. But no need to wax poetic as I am sure Idol will do that for me since we have two hours to kill.
Let’s do this…
To start of the most exciting night of one person’s life we are treated to a garbled, barely rehearsed version of Runaway Baby.
It was so bad they tried to distract us with a dance number. Fail. And Idol wonders why they have lost viewers. Can’t be the awesome production.
Well that can’t be fun for anyone
Here come the judges and they are all dressed nicely. Which annoys me because I wanted to yell at one of them for dressing like a hobo on finale night. Steven. Oh well.
This is well dressed for these three.
I get really excited when I see Billie from Days of Our Lives in the audience though. Hi Billie! When she looks at the camera it’s like she knows me.
Sooo does Beau know you’re out with some dude?
Ryanne pops on stage to tell us that last night a record 132 million votes were cast to determine the winner. Holy shitballs! 132 million. That’s, well, a lot. As for me, Captain Obvious I’ll be here all night.
I like when girls wear tuxedos
Tonight’s first time killer?
Phillip Phillips and CCR’s John Fogerty singing Have You Ever Seen The Rain.
JEEBUS! I would be too in awe to actually sing. And I know I don’t need to critique any more since it’s all over but the cryin’ but…meh.
Wait. What? They are also doing Bad Moon Risin? That’s like my favoritest song. This one is way more fun! I wanna make fun of Mr. Fogerty but my hair would fall out and I would break out in hives. Although if I did lose my hair I could borrow Mr. Fogerty’s toupee. LOL – and I’m off to hell! I’ll send a postcard.
Phillip, John, and John’s cat
We segue into a fun montage of the crazy that happened during auditions where we “meet” a young Samoan who is now my favorite human on the planet. He is outside the room obviously waiting for someone who is auditioning and he looks at Ryanne and asks, “So who are you?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry Ryanne’s ego.
Don’t play me little girl. Who are you?
Next time killer is Joshua Ledet, doing some churchy song. I know, it’s a stretch. Laughing my head off. This song sounds like some cheesy 70′s sitcom title sequence. And it’s about to get better/worse as Fantasia joins Joshua on stage. Holy shit this lady just James Brown’d the hell out of those lyrics. Seriously, does anyone know what she said? One word?
We find that the Idol producers are as horrified by this as I, as they cut the performance and go to commercial. LOVE IT!
A world full of NOs fit onto one tiny stage
It’s montage time again. This time it’s a loop of Jimmy Iovine constantly calling JLo, Jessica. Awesome on so many levels. Sorry Jen’s ego.
Give the senior citizen a cue card already and quit playin’
Well that wasn’t fair. They showed us something funny because now we have to watch the top 12 girls do some crappy mash-up. Definitely not the way to boost sales for the summer tour. Blech. What a craptacular. Oh look! It’s Chaka Khan messing up the song. What the fuck is with these ladies and the catsuits? No! It’s like shoving 20 lbs of meat into a 5 lb casing. The only reason I don’t fast forward this part is because I’m hoping for something to blow. Would be so full of the spectacular.
Wait for it…waiiiiit for iiiiit