American Idol 2012 – The Finale

Recaps

By PearlBlackDragon | Thursday, May 24, 2012 | 12:06 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: American Idol, Recaps

Oh yay! Because someone hates me now they are doing a mashup of the Ford commercials.  At the end of that we meet the kids mentors.  Ford gives the kids & their mentors, cars.  I hope that comes with money for repairs FORD.

They are comforting each other because now they have to own Fords

Time Killer #975
Rihanna singing Where Have You Been
Finally someone who can actually sing her songs without munching the fuck out of it.  However, lady looks as bored as me. I just can’t win with these performances. Idol call me. We’ll fix this shit up quick.

Oh sorry. Did we wake you?

Oh hey! Here’s a performance I might like. It’s my old buddy Skylar Laine. And she brought along Reba McEntire. My fish. You can barely distinguish their voices when they sing together. And Skylar’s old habits are back as she bounces around and screams.

Seizure anyone?

Lord love a duck.  Now it’s Jessica Sanchez singing Whitney’s I Will Always Love You…
And both of my children just burst out laughing. Apparently my expression is a cross between someone needs a beating and who shit the bed. Their words not mine. Ha! My love for Jessica knows no bounds!

I’m sure you’re a nice kid and all but I hope we never meet

Bad Idol Idea #763
The top 12 guys are doing a medley.  The high school musical director who does these needs to “accidentally” fall into a shark tank whilst covered in paper cuts. Now my eye won’t stop twitching.  Yes. My eye twitching is more important than this bus accident.
But wait…Neil Diamond shows up. Why are my panties trying to crawl down my leg and throw themselves at the TV? Phew, the boys are back and my panties have climbed firmly up my ass. Crisis averted.

Chastity Belt 2.0

The producers, like myself, have noticed that Randy over uses a few phrases such as  ”You could sing the phone book.” So the kids sing the phone book. Quite funny really!  KILLED ME!

It’s just liposuction

Jennifer Lopez appears as time killer #1758
That’s lovely. She does some very nice lip syncing. Not at all hypocritical for the judge of a singing competition to lip sync her performance. Hate those fucking white poopy pants though. And why is she grabbing her crotch.

That is a vagina in there right?

Sweet MOTHER! Is it time yet???? I hope whomever loses cries and curses.  I hate good losers. None of this – oooh at least I made it to the finals.  Screw that. Did you win? No? L. O. S. E. R.
Fuck me.  Still a half hour.  I just wanna get to the results already! Have I mentioned how I lack patience? Shocking right?

Hey. Look out there into the audience.  It’s Idol castoffs Dianna DeGarmo and Ace Young. THe first Idol couple. Since we are all waiting with bated breath hear what is going on in their lives Ryan mentions that the couple have recently moved in together. You know…Ace looks a little nervous. Anyone wanna bet what’s going on here?
OH YES HE DID! Ace proposed to Dianna and she tearfully said yes. Kinda cute. The bats that live in the dark cave where my heart should be are almost smiling.

They even brought a flower girl

Yay! More duets! This go around it’s Hollie Cavanagh and Jordan Sparks.  Dare I say it? Hollie is a MUCH better singer than Jordan. Much.  And Jordan, by her body language, knows it. Jealous much? The bats are smiling this time for sure.

If I can’t see the better singer, she isn’t here

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I live in the wonderful land of Canadia.

I am the warden of a teen and not teen.

In my spare time I like wine, TV, and wine.

Sometimes I like stuff but mostly I like things.

I am loud mouthed and am not afraid to show my true colours.  What you see is what you get.  Unless you add wine.  Then you get more.

In a perfect world I would rule it. And you would all bring me dirty rock stars.  It would be a good life for all even though I wouldn't reward you.  Your reward would be knowing I'm happy. Also, bring wine.  I would like that. Don't be sad. If stuff wasn't all about me it would be all about the Kardashians. Lesser of two evils. Well, more tolerable of two evils. OK well, I at least would encourage drinking. JEEZ QUIT BEING SO NEEDY AND GET OFF MY BACK. I would let you use my air. There. Happy? Now leave me alone.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 1:47 am

    Ha ha ha, I haven’t watched this yet (I was working through the awesome last few Glee episodes of this season), but now I can watch it with your voice in my ear. It’ll be like sitting on the couch next to my older brother’s awesome girlfriend, knowing that she knows of things I’ll never know and knowing she’ll never be the one to teach me…

    Oops. Sorry about that.

    Who cares who won! And 132 million votes means nothing since people can use robot-voting apps. At least the people at VFTW are happy. And that is, after all, all that matters.

  2. 2
    itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:28 am

    Okay, now that I’ve watched the first 15 minutes, and especially the bit featuring Phil and John Fogerty, one of the greatest rock songwriters of them all (and a poster child for record industry abuse), I gotta say: Phil blows chunks. It’s bad enough listening to him sing alone. But put him next to Fogerty and he’s just so woefully outclassed, it just exposes the whole American Idol experience as a terrible joke on America. Fortunately, the kept turning Phil’s mic way down whenever he tried to croak alongside Fogerty, because he really really cannot hold a tune. It’s surprising. Shocking, even.

    Oh, I’ll get around to watching the rest later. I had to stop during the Joshua/Fantasia chicken-choking contest. What the hell were those two doing?

  3. 3
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Weird, I lost my avatar for a minute there.

  4. 4
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Ah yes Fantasia—I think my eyes stopped bleeding. The cut-outs on her outfit showed cellulite–amiright?????

    And then Chaka Khan-sigh………I think I saw camel-toe and then the world went very spinny, bleedy and I groped for my wine glass.

    But we knew PP would win right kids? Maybe he has a little gratitude for the experience and the tremendous gift that his smug self has been given.

  5. 5
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 7:34 am

    And also–loooooved seeing Miss Jennifer Holliday– take a lesson you Idol hopefuls!!!! She is brilliant!!!!

  6. 6
    msjacqmills
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 9:32 am

    I loved Chaka! I’m not normally a fan of the catsuit, but Chaka schooled Fantasia in the art of wearing one. Chaka was fabulous!

  7. 7
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Chaka looks like she lost a lot of weight.
    Old girl serving meemaw sessy.

  8. 8
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I love you sheesh…I have always wonder how to spell “Sessy”.

  9. 9
    labteach labteach
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 10:26 am

    I’m still not understanding why, in the name of all that’s holy, they couldn’t have crowned a winner with the two hours they had? They seriously needed an EXTRA seven minutes?? I agree with you PBD that 10 minutes would have been plenty!

  10. 10
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I didn’t watch but Ace Young proposed to Diana Degarmo?
    The same Ace Young Taywhore Armstrong was rubbing up on?

  11. 11
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    My Fast-Forward Button is breathing a huge sigh of relief now that its hard-working five months of hell are over. Between A. Idol and the Voice, the poor thing has had enough. I may decide not to abuse it any further after putting it through all those hours of boring. Idol should have just ceased production after the ’09 banner year of Kradam, and the Voice is way too tedious for me to bother watching again.

  12. 12
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    That wasn’t a marriage proposal, it was a bit of product placement for a ring company. Talk about whoring yourself out — the fucker sold out his goddamned bullshit marriage proposal. Idiot. Douchebag.

  13. 13
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    You forgot Stunt Queen. Although I applaud “the fucker”.

  14. 14
    melange
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Diana DeG was wearing so much makeup I didn’t recognize her. I guess once you’re on Broadway, you think you need that much spackle 100% of the time? Or maybe it was just to make Ace look his spackle was normal?

    Jennifer Holiday committed every sin we’ve accused Jessica of all season, tenfold. Excessive vibrato. Overacting. Growling. Gaping maw. Eyeball bulging. Er, where did the idea of ‘making it look easy’ go? I know that song requires emoting, but Come On. I was sure *someone* was giving birth. It was everything I hate about Broadway style. Just awful.

    I noticed that Philip made only 3 appearances in the show: his introduction, shortly followed by his (pretty awful) duet, and then the announcement at the end. I know he’s had surgeries and health issues, but isn’t it unfair? 100% of his time is dedicated to resting and rehearsing, when the rest of the contestants have a full schedule. Not that it matters…

    Since AI started allowing contestants to play instruments while they sing (5 seasons so far), ALL of the winners have been white guys with guitars. After Colton was let go, it was always going to be Philip.

  15. 15
    Unlurking
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    Melange, the white guys with guitars keep winning because the vast majority of power voters are girls. As a rule, tween/teen girls secretly hate all other girls. Heck, even the middle aged women I know vote for the white guy with guitar.

    I thought last season was the worst EVER AI season. I now take that back, I think this year takes the prize. Seriously, is Jimmy the only non-participant in the Lovefest? So many episodes, my ears were left bleeding, while the judges gave standing O’s. Maybe they had some miracle drug they took that made these kids sound like stars. If so, I need some. For when my cats find a spider. Their victory song sounds quite a bit like Jessica warbling. Remarkably similar, actually.

  16. 16
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    What the FUCK is up with Jennifer Holiday????
    I’m not going to sleep well tonight.

  17. 17
    MtnMama
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    Mmmmmm, I loved Phil from the start. He always reminded me of Bob Seger and a splash of Clapton rather than John Mayer or Dave Matthews. The world needs an updated James Taylor and I think he’s it. Oh, yeah, you can be my handyman, Mr. Phil. I’ll call you, I promise. (Dang! Mr. MtnMama is eyeing my screen suspiciously!)

  18. 18
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 24, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    The difference between Bob Seger and Phil is that Seger can indeed sing (even if I hate — truly hate — his music). But I can see Phil having a great career making whiny semi-rock music in the late 1990s. As soon as they invent a time machine, he’s gold.

    The main thing that pisses me off about the guy is that he just so bland and boring. At least Snotty McCreepy was a Howdie Doody doll come to life.

    And yeah, that Holiday woman scared the shit out of me too. I appreciated Seacrest’s warning about how “emotional” the song was gonna be. I had many emotions watching that woman sing, ranging from bemusement to scorn to semi-outrage.

  19. 19
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 25, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Okay, last thought, then I’ll stop. Promise. Fingers crossed.

    Did anyone else feel really sorry for Neil Diamond? Guy used to have a fantastic voice. So what happened? He’s not that old, is he?

    I almost feel more sorry for the people who bought tickets for his tour. How is he going to pull that off? I accept croak-singing from Lou Reed. But not from Neil Diamond.

  20. 20
    sheesh sheesh
    Posted May 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Oh no let’s keep on discussing.
    Neil Diamond…I KNOW!
    Rodel and I were talking as we were watching this and I said that it was cool how Chaka Khan can still deliver and he said “Well that’s to be expected most singers keep their voices” which did make me stare at him for a couple of seconds.
    The when Neil Diamond started singing I turned to Rodel and said. “Well there goes that theory.”

    Fantasia…I swear she looked like a sasquatch that was bitten by a Cullen. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a tranq gun trained on her throughout that performance.

    The Steven Tyler skit with the sloth. I really hope someone got fired after that shit.

    Jennifer Lopez in that hammertime outfit! I don’t think harem pants are supposed to fall like hers did.

  21. 21
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 26, 2012 at 12:06 am

    You know, I held a sloth once in Colombia. It’s the most fantastic feeling.

    Another classic case of a voice gone south: Serge Gainsbourg.

    Mick Jagger’s another one– he can’t sing at all anymore. I’ve read that he has a voice double when the Stones tour, who does all the singing, and he just lipsyncs.

    Steven Tyler’s held up pretty well, considering.

  22. 22
    See-Jay
    Posted May 27, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    I thought Jennifer Holliday was horrible and looked deranged throughout the performance.

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