American Idol Recap: Back in a New York Groove

Welcome Gasmi to the 12th season of American Idol!  I’m usually in my corner making one liners about shows I’ve never watched for Tonight’s Top 10 Shows.  I haven’t been doing recaps due to my schedule and not to mention I have the attention span of a…

…Squirrel

But with me missing my New York home at times I decided to jump on this episode of American Idol.  Throughout the season all your favorite recappers will be taking their shots at all the hopefuls.  I’ll lead it off with this two hour premiere.

Now I got to be honest.  I have never watched this show when it wasn’t in the auditions round.  I turned it on to laugh at the terrible singers.  I also know nothing about music so I can’t really tell the difference between singers when they sing a cappella.  I am good at making fun at people though so that should suffice.

But when they opened up the show with “Home” by Phillip Phillips, I was surprised that I actually semi-knew the song.  I had no idea who he was or that he won Season 11, but I heard the song before.  Although, if you can’t trust people with two first names, are people who have two names that are almost identical basically evil demons?  I’m starting to question whether this whole democracy system is working for Americans.  They probably chose the wrong killer on Hawaii Five-O this week.

Ryan Seacrest narrates about how amazing all their previous winners are as they dominate the entertainment industry from #1 Hits to Broadway to Glee.  Wait, Glee?  If that show wasn’t on Fox they probably would’ve swept that under the rug.  Although, Glee would be the logical place to put the winner of a karaoke contest.  Not to shit on Glee, because I liked the first season, but if we focus on the music industry it’s basically Kidz Bop for adults.

They introduce us to this year’s judging panel.  As we all know, we have Randy Jackson, Keith Urban, Nicki Minaj, and Mariah Carey.  All I can think of is when Kevin Smith was told by the Weinstein Company that for Chasing Amy they wanted to cast David Schwimmer, Drew Barrymore and Jon Stewart.  ”Did you pick those names out of a hat?”

American Idol goes through their self-important opening.  At least they’re nowhere near the level of X Factor where they pretend as if they are about to discover Neo.  We get clips of the season to come with the crazies, to the fighting and with a little bit of talent mixed in.  My favorite part is Mariah Carey complaining about as she puts it, “her job”.

The hopeful contestants line-up in New York as they play “New York Groove” in the background.  I need to start gambling on things like these because I put that song in my title before the show even started.

They pan over the crowd and someone is dressed like a reject from “The Nutcracker”

Oh, hey Nicki.

Ryan Seacrest does his best Ty Pennington impression as he talks to the crowd.  They are at Jazz at Lincoln Center for the auditions.  Of a pop competition.  I hope the irony isn’t lost on them.

The intern sets up the Coke glasses just right and we are underway.

Shit, they saw me.

And despite “Glitter”, Mariah proves she can follow a script and starts bickering with Nicki.  Meanwhile, the first contestant comes in and starts clapping out “We Will Rock You” with his own rendition.  The judges ignore him because this is Mariah and Nicki’s moment.  You’re not stealing it.

Contestant 1: Michael Bonadouche

He’s complimenting the judges and says he didn’t know what he was going to do before he came out, which means it had a longer planning stage than the royal wedding.  He goes on with this radio bit where he sings a little  of each genre from oldies to reggae.  Randy shoos him off.  Michael leaves but not before he tells Mariah that “All I Want For Christmas” is the best modern day Christmas song.  That’s basically the same as saying, “This turd from the pile isn’t that smelly”.  Nicki, classy as ever, mutters “she’s a bitch” three times in Mariah’s general direction.

Wouldn’t be the weirdest costume Nicki has ever worn.

In the coming up segment, they mix up their Batman and Superman references as all I wish is that the Joker would show up.

Who wants to see a magic trick?

Before we come back, I’d like to share my favorite commercial.  I present a young Stevie Wonder.