As we come back, surprise more catfighting.
Yeye catf — oh, nevermind.
They argue over “Mean Girls”. I think this is the first time since ninth grade that I can use the word ouroboros correctly.
Back to the supporting cast, the contestants.
Contestant 2: Tenna Torres
Profession: Mariah Carey Stalker
Tenna went to Camp Mariah, which I guess is Camp Hope for wannabe singers. I have a feeling there’s a lot of chairs at this camp. She brought pictures from the camp and Mariah asks for copies while Nicki does her “Is this bitch serious?” face.
Tenna sings “You’ve Got a Friend” and luckily for Mariah’s ego she is loved by the judges. She gets 4 yes’ (yesses? yessi?) and is going to Hollywood.
Next they speed through a couple of people who made it through. They must not have an interesting enough story or enough talent to warrant air time. So fuck ‘em.
Contestant 3: James Bae”ber”
Out comes 15 year old James Bae from Long Island. James, Long Island doesn’t need more embarrassment. Stay home, next time.
Of course, this wouldn’t be American Idol without the obligatory Asian with a thick accent. It’s almost as if they go to nearby colleges and hire these kids out of the engineering TA offices. James is a huge Justin Bieber fan so he has obviously laminated his V-Card. James says himself “it would be a miracle” if he advances. Unfortunately he is in New York City, a bastion of sin.
James says he sings in his room pretending that he’s preparing for a huge concert. Asian parents are slipping. Anyway, he starts off by singing a Justin Bieber song. Those headphones are obviously noise cancelling because it’s awful. Randy comments on the weather so I see he’s playing the part of Simon now. Nicki has adopted the Paula Abdul role (you must be on some medication to be Nicki Minaj) and asks if he has a girlfriend. James offers himself up to Nicki and she starts to wonder how fast security can get there if she needs it. He tells Nicki next that he wants to do a “collide” with her.
He means a collaberation. Mariah tells him to become a DJ. Keith pussyfoots around until Randy tells him he’s terrible and should do something else. Randy said he wanted to be a racecar driver but they refused to make the windows bigger for him to jump in. Nicki wanted to be a city bus driver, robbing us of the greatest World Star Hip Hop video that could’ve been.
James is given a hug and sent on his way.
Contestant 4: Ms. ” “
Christina is next. The judges ask her about her weight struggles that are listed on her sheet. She says she was 200 lbs in high school and lost 50 lbs and her last name before going to college. That doesn’t sound like a weight struggle. That sounds like a solution. She kills the song and they put her through.
On her way out, Christina gives a shout out to Berkely College of Music. This leads to Mariah saying she didn’t go to school she went to the “School of Fucking Life”. I guess when you don’t go to class, you got no class.
Evan is next. He seems to be walking with a limp as he tells us he’s a dancer. He got bone cancer, went through 16 months of chemo and surgeries and then the cancer came back and fuck me he’s an amputee. Don’t I look like an asshole. And he’s 21 and still a senior in college. I skipped class if I was sleepy. He had cancer and still can graduate on time.
He sings Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” followed up by “Wanted Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi with guitar. He sounds good to me but the judges tell him he has to find his niche. They send him off with 4 nos. He should’ve tried out for “Big Brother”. Probably would’ve won.
Evan doesn’t get to go through to Hollywood, but gets the next best thing. He’s exploited as a twitter hashtag (#idolinspire).
Next up, we have a nomination segment. People nominate their loved ones who are too scared to go audition and Randy comes out and gives them an audition number. Because somebody who doesn’t have the guts and the drive to go after what they want is perfect for the entertainment industry.
Jessica was nominated by her mother and when Randy shows up she’s singing “Call Me Maybe” to a bunch of old geezers in a bar. Her song choice is suspect as it’s basically about a loose girl giving her number away when her audience looks as if they don’t even know what a cell phone is.
Jessica Kartalis shows up under contractual obligation for the judges. They ask her for an original. She struggles when she moves away from a cappella to playing guitar as she loses key. They penalize her for it and also says she needs more time to mold herself and not expect Idol to do that for her. Motherfucker, you brought her in. At least the ferry is free as they send her back home empty handed.
To set up for the next contestant, they go through a whole list of foreigners who are trying out. All I can think of is the scene from 25th hour where Edward Norton goes on a rant about the city. I’d quote it but there’s not a clean line in there and I don’t want to be the Rob Parker of TVGasm. So look it up at your own risk.
Contestant 7: Shira the Singer in Israel/Songwriter in Brooklyn
Shira Gavrielov is representing all these foreigners. She has a #1 hit in Israel but wants to make it in New York. She’s good enough for the judges as they put her through.
Meanwhile, Keith Urban spills water on Nicki proving he’s not an empty chair. That will be the most interesting thing he does this episode. Clint Eastwood brings more noticeable guests than Keith Urban.
To end Day 1, it’s Frankie Ford.
AKA Ugly Kevin Hart
Frankie Ford is adopted and from Brooklyn. His “calling card” is that he sings on the subway for money. However, he waits until he gets into Manhattan to start to avoid being recognized. You know, because no one from Brooklyn would go into Manhattan. Although, having ridden the subway, unless you can recognize someone’s feet nobody will know who you are. You don’t look them in the eye. That’s how you end up talking yourself out of a single.
Nicki tries to explain this concept to Keith Urban as if he doesn’t know what poor people are. She seems like the type of person that needs to explain something she knows about to somebody because of how infrequent an opportunity it is for her. In other words, she’s a stupid hoe [sic].
Frankie sings “Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These” or whatever it’s called. He has a false start and they do the “Millionaire” pause to make it more dramatic. After he sings, they put him through.
They play the song “Relax” as he walks out. Unfortunately for us, he doesn’t murder the judges.
More compelling than Keith Urban.
We move on to Day 2. Today Nicki Minaj makes me reconsider not being afraid of clowns.
Benjamin Gaisey kicks off the day, showing us what Eddie Murphy did with his outfit after he filmed “Raw”.
He says he’s going to sing two love songs for two ladies. He sings one song though, for both of them so math isn’t really a viable career option for him either. He throws a pelvic thrust in there towards Nicki for good measure. She asks for another song which causes Keith to hide under the desk. If I was Keith I wouldn’t want to give the producers any ideas. Needless to say the man with the fake hair and fake clothes gets 4 nos.
Our next contestant, Rozanna Shindelman, only sings in front of her parents. My mother would let me leave the house looking like a homeless person before telling me something negative so I’m expecting a trainwreck. In a thick accent, her mother tells Ryan that her daughter’s singing gives her chills. Although, that may have been because she sang to them during winter.
The term “Ice Queen” may get lost in translation.
When she starts to belt out she is so loud it becomes clear that she hasn’t only sung for her parents. She must have some really nice, deaf, and/or old neighbors. They send her packing.
Next, AI shows that there was a breakout at Arkham Asylum, showing off some of the crazies that showed up for auditions. One guy farts, Mariah tells someone to keep music as a hobby, one mother declares “Come on, we don’t want to be seen on camera.” Umm, yes you did. That’s why you’re there. If you didn’t want to be on camera, you would’ve crushed your daughter’s dreams at home.
We return to the next contestant spotlight, Sarah Restucchio. She’s a New Jersey country girl who can shoot a bow and arrow and she’s 17. So I will hold in what I’m thinking until next year.
Maybe I’ve been a little hard on Roman Polanski…Actually, maybe not.
She sings Carrie Underwood and the girls love her. Randy asks her to sing something else and she sings Nicki’s “Super Bass”. It leads to a stupid discussion about she doesn’t know who she is while the judges just babble at each other about making a choice. She gets 4 yes’ in the end and moves on to Hollywood.
Randy calls for lunch because that staple may change the stomach but it doesn’t change the mind.
When they get back we’re introduced to Albert Chang. He’s a receptionist with a thick accent, so much so that they feel the need to give him subtitles. That just makes me furious about how difficult it is for me to get a job. He also doesn’t know who any of the judges are. Which may be for the best.
It’s sad that Geoffrey the Toys’R'Us giraffe had to get a second job.
He claims to sing in his school chorus. He must either be home schooled or go to one named after Helen Keller because that shit is unbearable. He does Phantom of the Opera and adds in this high pitch verse that makes me scramble for the mute button. Randy just laughs in this guy’s face. Nicki tells him that he has better range than Mariah because she can’t go one audition without getting a jab in. He gets 4 nos and is out.
Nicki Minaj feels the need to do a British accent at times, which leads to the 2 most wasted minutes in my life. Mariah also must do a British accent because she found a way to get her ego into the room. Maybe the window behind them opens.
After that diversion, Angela Miller is our next hopeful. She’s 18 and has hearing problems. She has 40% and 20% loss in her left and right ears respectively. Despite this disability, she does well and they tell her she’s one of the best today. She gets 4 yes’ to go to Hollywood.
She’s got big teeth. I need to find something wrong with her.
…like I was saying, Brett Holt–
…would you stop. He’s auditioned seven times and claims to be the biggest American Idol fan and the best at trivia. Ryan tests him and he gets about half of them wrong including what season it currently is. They keep doing this stupid day dreaming segment where he believes he’s getting sent through. He’s not. You suck, Brett Holt.
That’s my son, you pothead.
Next, is the Turbanator. I am never going to be able to spell his name correctly so I will stick with his self-appointed racist nickname. He says he owns 40-50 turbans and matches them with his outfit. It’s good to see that metrosexuality has expanded into foreign cultures.
He has what they describe as a light voice but they put him through on a 3-1 vote. He does have to campaign for Nicki’s vote to get through though. So Howard Stern can start his own campaign now.
Last, we have Ashlee Feliciano.
AKA Auto-Advance Spot
It’s the big emotional closer. Her family has decided to take in children who have medical complexities. So expect to see this guy mugging for the camera a lot.
Is her mother Renee Zellweger?
She of course gets all yes’. They invite her family in to tell them how wonderful they are and what a great job they did raising their child. I’m not gonna knock a foster family. Not until there’s evidence that they beat their children.
41 got sent through to Hollywood. That seems like a lot to me. At the same time, it seemed like a boring episode. Not as many trainwrecks and what seemed like a lot of average singers. No wow factors.
What do you guys think? Who’d you like? Who’d you hate? Thoughts on the new judges? Spill it below.
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