American Idol Recap: Bye, Losers.

Recaps

By TripleThick | Friday, March 8, 2013 | 12:11 pm | 8 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: American Idol, Recaps

If anything’s askew, it’s Angie Miller’s hair.

After the harrowing experience of having to hear songs by Fergie and Colton Dixon in the same week, our Top 10 are finally revealed.

 Sick Human Being. With great skin.

Is it just me, or does Ryan seem to really delight in the process of sending people home? “Tonight, we’ll reveal your top 10, and send someone back to their miserable one-bedroom apartment where the only person who will hear them sing is their meth addict neighbor, and perhaps a social worker who is visiting someone else in the complex.” What a sadistic fuck.

Ryan lets the following men know, one-by-one, that they have made it to the top ten and can finally exit the sad conference room they’ve been sequestered in for the past 24 hours.  Awaiting each victor are Mariah’s post-twins twins in all their squishy glory (although I don’t know if anyone in this group would even care). 

 
Paul Jolley sings “Alone” by Heart – He reminds me of every wasted striped-shirt bro I encountered at Buffalo Wild Wings in 2005. And if the past five years are any indication, he’s going to win.
 
Burnell Taylor sings “Ready for Love” by India Arie – Mariah loves it so much she wants to motorboat him. You can just tell.
 
 ”Vroom vroom plunk.” – sound of a motor boat.
 
Curtis Finch Jr. sings “So High” by John Legend – He looks like he’s in pain, but the judges are bobbing their heads enthusiastically, so I guess that means he’s ok. ??? I’m still not sure.
 
Devin Velez sings “The Power Of One” Israel Houghton – While I can’t excuse Devin’s mother’s makeup, which appears to have been applied with a heavy hand by Scott MacIntyre, I can’t say I blame her for the lingering, sexual hug she gives her son. Does anyone else think he looks like Justin from The Real World: Hawaii? Does anyone else remember even existing back when there WAS a Real World: Hawaii?
 
 I’m Scott MacIntyre, and I’ll do your makeup for free.
 
 
Lazaro Arbos sings “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon & Garfunkel  - Ryan pulls him aside backstage to deliver the AMAZING NEWS that none of the judges are aware that he’s been chosen to advance. Why the eff would Lazaro care if someone who named their child “Moroccan” knows something before he knows something? This is dumb.
 
So if at this point, if you’re still sitting in the sad conference room, you’re ass is outta herrre. We say goodbye to Elijah, who, with any luck, might have his first premature ejaculation in his sleep tonight.  Cortez and Vincent seem like nice enough guys, and I’ll miss the times I spent checking my Facebook newsfeed while they’ve been onscreen. Charlie Askew’s mental health seems, well, askew, and I hope his parents check him into a facility. Most of all, I’ll miss Nick the Penis Head, because seeing him is the most action I’ve gotten all month.   
 
“Please speak with the grief counselor at your high school.”
 
 
 And now on to the ladies. 
 
Janelle Arthur sings “Home” by Dierks Bentley –  Nicki thinks Janelle is going to become a “huge country star”, which is good because it means I’ll never have to hear about her again. 
 
Candice Glover sings “I’m Goin’ Down” by Mary J. Blige – She’s the only one sitting down while Angie Miller performs, while the other contestants sway and cheer. The next time the camera spans the bleachers, she’s up on her feet, although a different person is singing. Uh oh…. Candice hates Angie!!!!!
 
Angie Miller sings “I Was Here” by Beyonce – Sure, she has stupid hair and her eyes are too close together, but she can only really change one of those things; Angie, there’s a doctor in Santa Monica who specializes in eye-separation procedures, I’ll totally give you his card. 
 
What? I got it done at BoRics!
 
 
Amber Holcomb sings “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan/Whitney Houston – This performances takes me back to a time and place where Whitney Houston never uttered the words “crack is whack” while actually being under the influence of crack, and I thank Amber for that. 
 
Kree Harrison sings “Evidence” by Susan Tedeschi  – I can’t think of any jokes to write about this person, so now I hate her guts and want her to lose. 
 
But Adriana, Breanna,  Aubrey, Tenna, and Zoanette, don’t fret. This isn’t goodbye. It’s see you later, as you hold a sign by the side of the highway while I pretend to be changing the station. But we both know I saw you.
 
 
 You are all now in the same elite group as Corey Clark and Elise Testone. Don’t eff this up.
 
Love,
 
Triple Thick
TripleThick

I've been a devoted follower of reality television since Beth A. told Beth S. that "there's nothing wrong with being a leeeeessssbian, Beth." And John sang "true stor-AY!" in the intro. And Tammy told David that "it wasn't not funny." If you catch my drift, you are old. A cool, nice person, but still old.

I couldn't have imagined in the early 90s that the documentary-quality "Real World" would beget shows like "Who Wants to Touch Steven Weber's Taint?" and "Here Comes a Mongoloid Baby Rabbit", but I'm glad as frick that it did. I love this genre, and will challenge anyone who proclaims it as the end of civilization to a Big Booty Contest (and we will film that shit). Look at me - I watch it all the time and I turned out great (and by "great", I mean I sometimes show up to work and have thought about eating at Panera Cares).

I want this little corner of the Internet to be a collaborative place, where I write down my impressions and you accept whatever I say without questioning it. Are you in, or are you an aging German model with pronounced neck cords?

Love,

Triple Thick

8 Comments

  1. 1
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    No Charlie, no Zoanette, no me. I have no interest whatsoever in any of the rest of them, so I bid Idol adieu. My DVR has one less thing to worry about. I feel for you, Triple Thick, having to watch this every week and find something funny to write. This batch is way too boring to even make fun of.

    Seacrest.

    Out.

  2. 2
    Pari
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I didn’t expect Paul or Janelle to get in, but I didn’t care about the fifth person in either the boys or girls so I’m indifferent about it.

    The only victory performances that I really thought were great were Burnell’s and Candice’s. My fave, Amber didn’t do well, but I still love her. I don’t care for Angie, but I don’t hate her. I do, however, hate what she did to Beyonce’s song. THAT. WAS. AWFUL. And the fact that Keith cried after it was just….

  3. 3
    Pikey578
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    I think that Candice has this in the bag – what a voice! And I would love to see Curtis fall off the stage and get hopelessly lost, never to return…

  4. 4
    juddfan
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    @TripleThick, I love the snark. Feel free to extend your love to the judges comments as well ; )

    I was surprised Jolly made it too. Whoever that male back up singer is he is awesome!!! I’ve never really noticed before such a huge contribution to the arrangements. He totally made Circle of Life happen for Zonnette! And Locked Out of Heaven was also terrific!

    I was surprised Tenna didn’t make it, I thought she was pretty great, and I didn’t see Amber squeeking in either.

    I still like Angie, her original song had a huge impact on me. I say her, Kree and Burnell or Devin in top three.

    I’m hoping the country effect doesn’t keep Janelle in past her date, she’s nice, but Kree is much stronger.

    @Future contestants, never sing Alone, or anything Carrie Underwood ever sang!

  5. 5
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    At the end of this episode, I kept waiting for someone to jump out and say: April Fools! Here’s your REAL top 10. But no… So I guess this is… it? They’ve had some pretty lame years in the past, but this time out, it’s just scary.

  6. 6
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted March 10, 2013 at 1:53 am

    I am trying to figure out if I have Idol fatigue in general after all these years, or if its the contestants that are the problem…I think it’s a combination of both. I just feel kinda meh about the whole thing and that’s never happened before.

  7. 7
    mrs. kathy
    Posted May 2, 2013 at 12:47 am

    does anyone else hate angie’s hair? I almost cant even focus on the show it bothers me so much

  8. 8
    TripleThick TripleThick
    Posted May 2, 2013 at 8:52 am

    She needs some Alberto V05.

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