If anything’s askew, it’s Angie Miller’s hair.
After the harrowing experience of having to hear songs by Fergie and Colton Dixon in the same week, our Top 10 are finally revealed.
Sick Human Being. With great skin.
Is it just me, or does Ryan seem to really delight in the process of sending people home? “Tonight, we’ll reveal your top 10, and send someone back to their miserable one-bedroom apartment where the only person who will hear them sing is their meth addict neighbor, and perhaps a social worker who is visiting someone else in the complex.” What a sadistic fuck.
Ryan lets the following men know, one-by-one, that they have made it to the top ten and can finally exit the sad conference room they’ve been sequestered in for the past 24 hours. Awaiting each victor are Mariah’s post-twins twins in all their squishy glory (although I don’t know if anyone in this group would even care).
Paul Jolley sings “Alone” by Heart – He reminds me of every wasted striped-shirt bro I encountered at Buffalo Wild Wings in 2005. And if the past five years are any indication, he’s going to win.
Burnell Taylor sings “Ready for Love” by India Arie – Mariah loves it so much she wants to motorboat him. You can just tell.
”Vroom vroom plunk.” – sound of a motor boat.
Curtis Finch Jr. sings “So High” by John Legend – He looks like he’s in pain, but the judges are bobbing their heads enthusiastically, so I guess that means he’s ok. ??? I’m still not sure.
Devin Velez sings “The Power Of One” Israel Houghton – While I can’t excuse Devin’s mother’s makeup, which appears to have been applied with a heavy hand by Scott MacIntyre, I can’t say I blame her for the lingering, sexual hug she gives her son. Does anyone else think he looks like Justin from The Real World: Hawaii? Does anyone else remember even existing back when there WAS a Real World: Hawaii?
I’m Scott MacIntyre, and I’ll do your makeup for free.
Lazaro Arbos sings “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon & Garfunkel - Ryan pulls him aside backstage to deliver the AMAZING NEWS that none of the judges are aware that he’s been chosen to advance. Why the eff would Lazaro care if someone who named their child “Moroccan” knows something before he knows something? This is dumb.
So if at this point, if you’re still sitting in the sad conference room, you’re ass is outta herrre. We say goodbye to Elijah, who, with any luck, might have his first premature ejaculation in his sleep tonight. Cortez and Vincent seem like nice enough guys, and I’ll miss the times I spent checking my Facebook newsfeed while they’ve been onscreen. Charlie Askew’s mental health seems, well, askew, and I hope his parents check him into a facility. Most of all, I’ll miss Nick the Penis Head, because seeing him is the most action I’ve gotten all month.
“Please speak with the grief counselor at your high school.”
And now on to the ladies.
Janelle Arthur sings “Home” by Dierks Bentley – Nicki thinks Janelle is going to become a “huge country star”, which is good because it means I’ll never have to hear about her again.
Candice Glover sings “I’m Goin’ Down” by Mary J. Blige – She’s the only one sitting down while Angie Miller performs, while the other contestants sway and cheer. The next time the camera spans the bleachers, she’s up on her feet, although a different person is singing. Uh oh…. Candice hates Angie!!!!!
Angie Miller sings “I Was Here” by Beyonce – Sure, she has stupid hair and her eyes are too close together, but she can only really change one of those things; Angie, there’s a doctor in Santa Monica who specializes in eye-separation procedures, I’ll totally give you his card.
What? I got it done at BoRics!
Amber Holcomb sings “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan/Whitney Houston – This performances takes me back to a time and place where Whitney Houston never uttered the words “crack is whack” while actually being under the influence of crack, and I thank Amber for that.
Kree Harrison sings “Evidence” by Susan Tedeschi – I can’t think of any jokes to write about this person, so now I hate her guts and want her to lose.
But Adriana, Breanna, Aubrey, Tenna, and Zoanette, don’t fret. This isn’t goodbye. It’s see you later, as you hold a sign by the side of the highway while I pretend to be changing the station. But we both know I saw you.
You are all now in the same elite group as Corey Clark and Elise Testone. Don’t eff this up.