We’re back in Vegas for the Guys Semi Final Round. Yes, this is a rather effeminate bunch, but that’s why I love them so. Those Phillip Phillips/Kris Allen/Lee DeWyze types can eat a fart, as far as I’m concerned. Here we go!
Elijah Liu sings “Stay” by Rihanna – Close your eyes, and you might think you’re listening to Adele. Open them, and you’ll find a twink Rufio from “Hook”. Elijah and Justin Bieber are similar in that they both have lesbians that look like them, but that’s where the comparisons end (oh, and also that I would make love to both of them, and all of their lesbian look-a-likes). Call me when you sprout your first pube, Cutie.
Cortez Shaw sings “Locked Out of Heaven” by Bruno Mars – Fox Broadcasting has come a long way, airing the phrase “Your sex takes me to paradise,” especially when you consider Fox was the family-friendly network that let us listen to Joe Millionaire get a BJ in the woods. Keith hates Cortez’s singing, Nicki hates his long underwear, Randy hates the way he strains, and Mariah hates how his high notes sound like Elijah is squeezing his balls too tightly. I think he’s got a good shot!
Charlie Askew sings “Mama” by Genesis - This is worse than Sanjaya. This is worse than William Hung. No, Red Dirty Sanchez. No. Ok, wait – he just started to cry, and now I’m reconsidering what I’ve written. But on the other hand, he’s wearing a tie dye tank top. SO TORN.
Nick Boddington sings “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls - Remember when Simon Cowell used to screen people based on their looks? I miss those days. Nick looks like a penis in a little hat. To their credit, the judges treat him as a penis in a little hat ought to be treated – with suspicion, derision, and ultimately, acceptance.
Burnell Taylor sings “I’m Here” by Fantasia Barrino – Did he walk right off of the set of the “Parents Just Don’t Understand” video? Cool duds aside, I’m glad he stopped being fat.
Burnell without his glasses.
Paul Jolley sings by “Just a Fool” by Christina Aguilera – At first, I couldn’t even Google the lyrics because his words were completely incomprehensible. He wants to be the guy version of Taylor Swift, but he’s more like the girl version of Eddie Vedder on Valium.
Lazario Arbos sings “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone – You go, Agador Spartacus! You go! Despite a strong performance, one of the greatest voices of all time (no, not Ghost Whitney) gives Laz a valuable nugget of constructive criticism, and the audience of ugly vacationing Publix cashiers boos her. Great show.
Keith kinda says that nobody likes Laz when he’s not singing. Ooof!
Curtis Finch Jr. sings “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly – Nicki and Randy give god credit for Curt’s amazing voice. If I was Curt, I’d be pissed that everyone else gets a pat on the back for what basically amounts to mouth poop, while I have to give it up for the big guy all the time because I’m so fuckin’ talented. Sux to be Curt.
Devin Velez sings “Somos Novios (It’s Impossible)” by Andrea Bocelli – Orville Redenbacher gets an A- in remedial Spanish.
Your popcorn tastes good **wink**
Vincent Powell sings “End Of The Road” by Boyz II Men – Keith says Vincent has a “deep well of talent”, and Nicki says he “wasn’t sitting on it right.” These thinly-veiled anal sex jokes are making me uncomfortable.
So who should go home this week? Red Dirty Sanchez completely blew it by introducing the progressive rock genre to a talent competition (Don’t do it, kids. I know the pull of “Tom Sawyer” by Rush is strong, but you’ve got to restrain yourself), and as for Zoanette – there was a South Bronx prostitute on an HBO documentary from the 90s who did a better Tina Turner impression, and she wasn’t even TRYING to do a Tina Turner impression! PS – If anybody out there knows what I’m talking about (she performed fellatio on a John in an alleyway), perhaps we should meet.