American Idol Recap: Dudes Look Like Ladies

Recaps

By TripleThick | Thursday, March 7, 2013 | 11:00 am | 11 Comments
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Posted in: American Idol, Recaps

RUFIO! RUFIO!

 

We’re back in Vegas for the Guys Semi Final Round. Yes, this is a rather effeminate bunch, but that’s why I love them so. Those Phillip Phillips/Kris Allen/Lee DeWyze types can eat a fart, as far as I’m concerned. Here we go! 

Elijah Liu sings “Stay” by Rihanna – Close your eyes, and you might think you’re listening to Adele. Open them, and you’ll find a twink Rufio from “Hook”. Elijah and Justin Bieber are similar in that they both have lesbians that look like them, but that’s where the comparisons end (oh, and also that I would make love to both of them, and all of their lesbian look-a-likes). Call me when you sprout your first pube, Cutie.

Cortez Shaw sings “Locked Out of Heaven” by Bruno Mars – Fox Broadcasting has come a long way, airing the phrase “Your sex takes me to paradise,” especially when you consider Fox was the family-friendly network that let us listen to Joe Millionaire get a BJ in the woods. Keith hates Cortez’s singing, Nicki hates his long underwear, Randy hates the way he strains, and Mariah hates how his high notes sound like Elijah is squeezing his balls too tightly. I think he’s got a good shot!

**SLURP**

 

Charlie Askew sings “Mama” by Genesis -  This is worse than Sanjaya. This is worse than William Hung. No, Red Dirty Sanchez. No. Ok, wait – he just started to cry, and now I’m reconsidering what I’ve written. But on the other hand, he’s wearing a tie dye tank top. SO TORN.
 
Nick Boddington sings “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls - Remember when Simon Cowell used to screen people based on their looks? I miss those days. Nick looks like a penis in a little hat. To their credit, the judges treat him as a penis in a little hat ought to be treated – with suspicion, derision, and ultimately, acceptance.

Penis head.
 

Burnell Taylor sings “I’m Here” by Fantasia Barrino – Did he walk right off of the set of the “Parents Just Don’t Understand” video?  Cool duds aside, I’m glad he stopped being fat.

Burnell without his glasses.

 
Paul Jolley sings by “Just a Fool” by Christina Aguilera  – At first, I couldn’t even Google the lyrics because his words were completely incomprehensible. He wants to be the guy version of Taylor Swift, but he’s more like the girl version of Eddie Vedder on Valium.
 
Lazario Arbos sings “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone – You go, Agador Spartacus! You go! Despite a strong performance, one of the greatest voices of all time (no, not Ghost Whitney) gives Laz a valuable nugget of constructive criticism, and the audience of ugly vacationing Publix cashiers boos her. Great show.

Keith kinda says that nobody likes Laz when he’s not singing. Ooof!

 

Curtis Finch Jr. sings “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly – Nicki and Randy give god credit for Curt’s amazing voice. If I was Curt, I’d be pissed that everyone else gets a pat on the back for what basically amounts to mouth poop, while I have to give it up for the big guy all the time because I’m so fuckin’ talented. Sux to be Curt.
 
Devin Velez sings “Somos Novios (It’s Impossible)” by Andrea Bocelli – Orville Redenbacher gets an A- in remedial Spanish.

Your popcorn tastes good **wink**
 

Vincent Powell sings “End Of The Road” by Boyz II Men – Keith says Vincent has a “deep well of talent”, and Nicki says he “wasn’t sitting on it right.” These thinly-veiled anal sex jokes are making me uncomfortable.

So who should go home this week? Red Dirty Sanchez completely blew it by introducing the progressive rock genre to a talent competition (Don’t do it, kids. I know the pull of “Tom Sawyer” by Rush is strong, but you’ve got to restrain yourself), and as for Zoanette – there was a South Bronx prostitute on an HBO documentary from the 90s who did a better Tina Turner impression, and she wasn’t even TRYING to do a Tina Turner impression! PS – If anybody out there knows what I’m talking about (she performed fellatio on a John in an alleyway), perhaps we should meet.

Your thoughts?

Love,

Triple Thick

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TripleThick

I've been a devoted follower of reality television since Beth A. told Beth S. that "there's nothing wrong with being a leeeeessssbian, Beth." And John sang "true stor-AY!" in the intro. And Tammy told David that "it wasn't not funny." If you catch my drift, you are old. A cool, nice person, but still old.

I couldn't have imagined in the early 90s that the documentary-quality "Real World" would beget shows like "Who Wants to Touch Steven Weber's Taint?" and "Here Comes a Mongoloid Baby Rabbit", but I'm glad as frick that it did. I love this genre, and will challenge anyone who proclaims it as the end of civilization to a Big Booty Contest (and we will film that shit). Look at me - I watch it all the time and I turned out great (and by "great", I mean I sometimes show up to work and have thought about eating at Panera Cares).

I want this little corner of the Internet to be a collaborative place, where I write down my impressions and you accept whatever I say without questioning it. Are you in, or are you an aging German model with pronounced neck cords?

Love,

Triple Thick

11 Comments

  1. 1
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I was going to bypass AI this year because it seemed as though it had run out of gas, but then I read about Zoanette and Charlie Askew and decided to peek in on the thing once again. Those two misfits are the only reason I DVR AI. Do I think they have a future in music? No. Do I think they’re entertaining and a fuck-you to the whole Idol process? Yes. The rest of the contestants are bo-RING and I fast-forward through most of them, enabling me to see a two-hour bloat in about 15 minutes. I hope Zoanie and Charlie are in it for the long haul. Otherwise, I’m tunin’ out. Don’t NOBODY make little Charlie cry again!! (PS, keep him away from any firearms.)

    Nick Boddington looks like one of RuPaul’s drag contestants wandered onto the wrong set looking for her missing makeup case.

    The last one–what’s his name?–they’re all so forgettable–Vincent Baldwithglasses looks like Al Roker. Watch the sharting, Vince, when you hit those glory notes.

  2. 2
    TripleThick TripleThick
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Hahahaha, now I’m trying to picture how Ryan would deal with an onstage shart attack.

    You’re right – I’d take a million Charlies and Zoanettes over another blah Boyz II Men ballad. What a snoozefest.

  3. 3
    juddfan
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    I thought Curtis was way over the top, and he shan’t be forgiven for destroying \Superstar\ last time.

    Cortez wasn’t as bad as they said, neither was Vincent . . . I’d take ‘em both over Curtis, IMHO.

    I loved Nick in tryouts, but not so much last night. It can’t be his fault his head is shaped that way.

    @Triple Thick and @ Gilty . . . too bad they didn’t keep JDA, you would have put him/her on your crazy train too!

  4. 4
    joye
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    I was looking at these finalists and thinking maybe they’ll look better after Makeover Week. Then I realized that I’m not watching either America’s Top Model or The Biggest Loser. Bummer.

  5. 5
    purplex15
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Penis with a little hat….. Its funny because its true.

    I’m not 100% positive, but i think I saw that documentary……

    I felt bad for Charlie. He has sucked this entire time, the judges just decided to fill him in on it.

  6. 6
    cherryred
    Posted March 7, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Agador Sparticus OMG, that shit’s funny, I don’t care who you are.

    I do adore that kid tho. Charlie too, but he’s too eccentric for this much exposure to the ugly that is the internet AI websites. I don’t think he was prepared to be internet fodder. Bless his heart.

  7. 7
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 2:34 am

    The very idea of actually sitting down and watching this show — including the no-doubt endless commercials — without being able to fast-forward gives me a nasty case of hemmoroids.

    I used to fast-forward through most of the “performances” — you only really need to hear the opening verse and the final glory note — and listen to the judges. But this year’s crop looks like a bunch of Muppets. And talk like them too.

    So yeah, at this point, I could probably watch the entire season in about half an hour or so.

  8. 8
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Juddfan, yes, I was disappointed that JDA got the boot. He was fun to watch, as was Mr. Peaches, or whatever his name was. The thing is, most of the ones they actually put in the top 10 don’t sing much better than the oddballs they weed out. At least Zoanette and Charlie were fun to watch (I had to mute Zoanette a time or two). Can you imagine shelling out money and sitting through a concert of this year’s lot? Torture!

  9. 9
    juddfan
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    @Guilty, I’ve actually seen a couple of the concerts . . . they were given away at my work, and since I was the only one interested, I got to go. They all do sound better at that point, but it’s disjointed at best.

    I would have been interested to see what america would have done with a JDA, and Zonette was best with the circle of life, the rest was dreck! She seems like a really warm and sweet “mothering” type. She was funny when she brought that transgender looking girl dress shopping!

  10. 10
    jessiecpt
    Posted March 8, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Is it weird that I remember that documentary on HBO and I remember that scene in the alleyway? It was so traumatic for me to see that side of human behavior–I just never forgot it. It was called Hookers on The Point.

  11. 11
    TripleThick TripleThick
    Posted March 9, 2013 at 11:31 am

    @jessiecpt, YEEEEEESSSS! That’s the one! I feel strange getting excited over such a sad documentary, but nobody I talk to knows what the hell I’m talking about.

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