No urban hangers!!!!!
Ryan kicks off the show, accompanied by ear-splitting decibels of teen shrieks. I feel like I’m at a Michael Jackson concert in Belarus in 1989. Except it’s really a Bon Jovi concert in 2013. Again, I’m completely out of touch with what the young folk are into (or “digging with a shovel”, as I imagine they like to say). Email me if you want my spare Tamagotchi, kids.
Jimmy Iovine gives us his run-down of the Top 10. He thinks the girls are outperforming the boys. HOMOPHOBE! He really dislikes Curtis’s “urban” song choices. RACIST! He appreciates Janelle’s aura. BUDDHIST!
Jimmy says if Devin sings another dud, this really will be his “temporary home”, - ”Temporary Home” being the title of the song Devin sang last night! ZING! Jimmy, there’s an opening in Branson now that Yakov Smirnov is dead. I’d pay at least seven dollars to see you.
Next, he tells Paul Jolley that it’s strange he continues to choose country songs. The subtext here is ”stop singing straight people music and gimme some Britney.” Candice Glover, however, ”won the night” with her talent and “poise”, and now we know she wears adult incontinence pads. Grampa Jim wraps up his big night out of the home by letting Lazaro know that his criticism was a “bubble bath” compared to what the judges had to say. I think a bubble bath from Jimmy is exactly what Lazaro was hoping for.
Jimmy claims to love Kree Harrison, but I think that’s only because he wants her for his opening act in Branson.
Ryan will now treat us to a geography game. Ryan, if I wanted to learn about the United States and its territories I wouldn’t have dropped out of my second junior year of high school. Some highlights:
Devin’s #1 in Puerto Rico. We let them vote now?
Janelle came in first in her home state of Tennessee, which is akin to earning a gold medal in the Special Olympics.
Candice got 42% of the votes in South Carolina. As long as she doesn’t disappear to be with her lover in Argentina, she’ll be ok.
Lazaro narrowly beat Angie in their home state of Florida. Somebody call Katherine Harris.
Your chad is hanging.
Top 10 performs a song called “Shine Your Way” from the new DreamWorks movie ”The Croodes.” At first I thought Ryan said ”The Cruise”, which would’ve been more appropriate because I’d expect this level of entertainment on the Carnival shit boat.
What could possibly be better than mental of images of four-hour buffet lines and feces dripping down the wall of you cabin? Well… THE MAYOR OF WOODVILLE TEXAS IS HERE! TONIGHT!!!!!! He says the entire city is working their fingers to the bone (hehehehehehehehehe fingers. bone). He presents resident Kree Harrison with the key to this bustling metropolis of 2,415. I bet the night manager of the Woodville Hardees was supposed to get the key before that bitch Kree had to go and make it to the Top 10 of American Idol. I feel for you, Jonathan (just seems like a Hardees night manager name). Ryan then reveals that Kree is in top three.
Time for our live performance. Wow, Martina Navratilova shrunk. Oh shit! That’s Jon Bon Jovi?!?!?!!!!! If he’s not already on this site, perhaps I can nominate him for their next induction ceremony. http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/ Maybe he could get a slot between Bruce Jenner and David Cassidy.
The show brings back Charlie Askew because the producers take a Doctor Drew-level of pleasure in exploiting the mentally ill. Charlie was inspired to write this original song when he was deciding between staying in a two year relationship or going on American Idol. What he really needs is a two year relationship with some braces. Better hurry up, Chucky, while Mom and Dad will still foot the bill. Phillip Phillips graces us with his presences to sing a song that will be used in ten minutes to humiliate whomever America chose to throw out like garbage. Damn, he really does sound exactly Dave Matthews. I guess imitation worked out well for Chris Tucker.
Ryan reveals that Candice, Kree and Angie are the official top three. Amber, Janelle, and Paul get to go to the winner’s side of the stage, and Burnell does the Urkel on his way to join them. Nicki doesn’t think Curtis belongs in the bottom two with Devin, and says that if he’s going home, she’s going home. So now Mariah is really pulling for Devin.
Curtis has to sing for his life, and we find out that Nicki is wearing shorts. He sings “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly. When your life is on the line, always sing a song popularized by someone who peed on a young girl’s face. The performance makes Mariah tear up, but alas, Randy announces that they are not unanimous in their decision on whether to use their save. It’s clear that Keith is the one holding back. FUCK YOU RACHEL HAIR!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem. Ok, I’m over it now.
See you next week.