She’s late, she’s late, for a very important show nobody watches anymore.
Our Top 10 has had a week off to play with their snap bracelets or listen to rap music or do whatever it is teenagers do in their free time nowadays. I sure know what ol’ Cotton Mouth Arthur’s been up to (smoking doobies). But now it’s time to get serious and talk to Jimmy Iovine, easily confused with Marlon Brando in The Godfather.
Everybody’s in their places and ready to go, except for Ass Implant McGee. Ryan claims Nicki’s stuck in traffic on the 405, but I suspect Mariah put butterfly juice in her gas tank. The show must go on.
This is what passes for “fly” in Randy Jackson’s book.
Curtis Finch Jr. - Jimmy Iovine hates Curt’s retro-ness. Here we have an 85-year-old man in a backwards baseball cap telling someone not to be stuck in the past. Curtis has decided to sing “I Believe” by Fantasia Barrino, and for the occasion has fashioned a jacket out of a sofa from the lounge in which that dude Cord tried to kiss the Countess LuAnn on RHONY. You know the one. 1996 Jennifer Aniston is a fan of the performance. Randy thinks his jacket is “fly” but is tired of all these positive messages all the time. Mariah disagrees and wants him to sing about unicorns more.
These boots were made for stomping around on a stage while shaking my hair at people.
Janelle Arthur – Jimmy Iovine wants to know what makes her different from every other blonde country singer who’s a 6, and she doesn’t really have an answer. She sings “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’d rather listen to Mad Magazine McCreery sing this crap. Janelle tells Keith she has “cotton mouth”, which I assume means she and old witch Tyler were ripping bong hits back at the Roosevelt. Nicki thinks she’s a Butchie Boy. Mariah also wants her to cool it with anything that would give her a reason to growl. J-Art is certainly NO Hale-Rardt (that’s Haley Reinhardt, for any dum dums who could not figure it out).
Sisters in Butchie Boy-ity.
Devin Velez - Devin’s sings “Temporary Home” by Carrie Underwood. Finally we’ll get to see if he speaks any English. In his aside he manages to throw his mom under the bus by referencing how his single-parent family made this song hit home. I guess it might have been difficult, growing up with a mom who wore blue eyeshadow without a man around to tell her it’s hideous. Keith wants him to get out of his comfort zone. Roman says she disagrees with Keith, but then tells Devin that this is his comfort zone. Somebody’s brain is still on the 405. Randy HATED IT.
Angie Miller – Jimmy says he feels like he’s at a beauty pageant with Angie, but even Miss Teen Delaware would consider that curly mess with a half-assed attempt to straight iron a sin. Angie sings “I Surrender” by Celine Dion/Kelly Clarkson, while also wearing chains and grinding. I feel like I’m at a Marv Albert concert. Nicki asks her who made her dress, and she declines to answer (is Rave still around? I bet it’s from Rave. Or Deb.). Randy loves how she commands the stage, thinks she might be bad but is perfectly good at it. Mariah only gives us one word – “Stellar.” Her mind was elsewhere – probably thinking about how that butterfly juice trick actually worked.
The one dude I thought might be straight? Nope.
Paul Jolley – Jimmy says Paul perpetually over-sings, aka he’s Adam Lambert without a cape/personality. Paul says he’s NEVER sung Broadway – bwahahahahaha. You KNOW he’s got a Liza Cabaret poster rolled up in his yoga mat carrying case. He sings “Amazed” by Lone Star, in the vein of Season 10′s winner Alfred E. Neuman. The fiddler is a million times more interesting than Paul. A drunk lady yells out how much she loves him – something tells me drunk ladies are the only people who love him. Case in point – Nicki says he whets her sexual appetite.
Nicki, with her sexual appetite whetted.
Candice Glover – We’re first treated to slo-mo footage of Candy crying over photos of her family in a frame that says “Home”, and the news that her father finally rode a plane. This makes me all gushy inside (and no, not in that way). Keith loves her rendition of “I Who Have Nothing” by Shirley Bassey/Jordyn Sparks so much his mullet moves. Nicki thinks Candice is the best person to ever sing this song on Idol – suck it, Jordyn Sparks (even though Jordyn Sparks doesn’t suck much of anything). Mariah doesn’t join in on the standing ovation because her skirt is too tight, and says Ryan would understand because he knows how to work a skirt (aka GAY).
Lazaro Arbos – Is he… flirting with Jimmy Iovine? Oh my god, I think he is. Jimmy should be so lucky. Lazaro decides on “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson, and also decides to wear a tie that looks like a piece of duct tape. Keith asks him a question about his song choice, and the answer adds about 10 extra minutes to the show. Mariah says it must take a lot of courage for him to get up in the morning – um, thanks?
Jacket from the Roy Orbison spring line.
Kree Harrison – Kree sings “Crying” by Roy Orbison/Carrie Underwood. And I thought Curtis was wearing the ugliest jacket I’d ever seen. Kree, you don’t have to adopt EVERY quality of Roy Orbison (that is a reference to his blindness, btw). Keith would listen to her “sing the phone book, baby,” which reminds me that it’s time we as a society in 2013 work to update that saying. Nicki wants us to know that she sometimes makes waffles in the microwave and manages to twist it into a nonsensical metaphor about singing. Stars – they’re just like us!
Burnell Taylor - It’s nice to watch someone under 400 pounds sing “Flying Without Wings”, but I’m disappointed Burnell didn’t wear the backwards floral hat he had on with Jimmy. I guess only Mr. Iovine is deserving of that kind of formal wear. Randy just wants to let us know that he was a judge back when Ruben Studdard originally sang the song. WE GET IT, RANDY. You’ve been on this show a lengthy amount of time. Congrats on not ever having any new projects to work on.
For Jimmy’s eyes only.
Amber Holcomb – Jimmy tells her she’s pretty, but she later claims he told her she’s beautiful. Let’s not push it, Amber. In a novelty leather vest from Spencer’s Gifts, she performs “A Moment Like This “by Ahhhhh Kelly Clarkson. Nicki compares her to Whitney Houston pre-crack, but wants her to do her makeup less like Devin’s mother. All Mariah can say is “Hashtag Pow.” Look at youuuu, with your pulse all on the latest technological trends!
So you have two hours to vote, 13-year-olds and Filipino grandmothers, the only people who actually vote on this show. If I were to become part of one of the above demographics (fingers crossed on the Filipino grandmother), I’d send Janelle packing. There’s a town in the South somewhere that’s missing its person who offers to sing at every bake sale and Jaycees meeting but everyone secretly wishes they’d get a tracheotomy. Tomorrow, we’ll know.