American Idol Recap: Talent Impediments

Hey Gasmii! My name is Dashley, and I am a recovering Idol-holic. I used to watch this show religiously, forsaking a personal life in order to be a part of the revolutionary idea of choosing who the next music superstar should be. And then I hit rock bottom: Adam Lambert didn’t win his season. And I swore to myself that never again would I put my personal happiness at risk, simply for the short-term rush of FOX appointment television.

But then Flipit asked me to recap the first Hollywood Week episode. There are few people I would break a personal vow for, and Flipit, high atop his throne of snark, is one of them. So let’s get started, shall we?

I’m just happy I didn’t have to cover the episode where this happened.

So it’s Hollywood Week already! We’re treated to a montage of home videos of parents waking up their kids to get their asses to Hollywood. Ryan tells us that we may have noticed something different about this group of contestants: there aren’t any girls. Say what, Seacrest? Turns out the girls get their chance next week; for now, it’s guy vs. guy. Am I supposed to be excited about this development? My excitement over only men singing subsided sometime after I realized that all the members of the guys-only a capella group at my college were total douchebags. 

Somehow, this men-only twist is supposed to make the competition more vicious. Randy, of COURSE Randy, tells us that it will “separate the men from the boys.” Who is Randy Jackson, after all, if not the voice of cliche of American Idol?

Well, besides this, I mean.

The judges give a group speech to the contestants, telling them to be themselves (because no one ever made the big time in Hollywood pretending to be someone else,) and that they’re rooting for all of them. A quick word from the fashion police: Mariah needs to Google “Spanx.” Her body is beautiful, she’s just gotta smooth it out a little.

This round will be sudden death: if the judges don’t like it, you’re outta here. Ryan asks some guys waiting in the wings how they’re feeling, and one nice guy says he wishes the girls were there. Awww…. I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy until another says that he’s glad they aren’t there, because “no drama.” Really, dude? ERRRGH. I know who I’m NOT cheering for, then. Bald head, caramel skin, plaid shirt- I’m looking at YOU.

Michael Johnson, who is a Navy man and auditioned in Long Beach, just got his tonsils removed. The surgery was not without its complications, and he now has some sort of speech impediment. It is unclear as to whether this has happened since after his original audition, but I’m going to go with the assumption that it did. He does a cool, soulful take on “Benny and the Jets,” and I like it. They send him through, along with 4 others in his lineup.