American Idol Recap: They’re Just Small Town Girls, Or So They All Keep Saying

***Please welcome your newest recapper to the fold to take over American Idol, TripleThick!! Since there are 500 hours of Idol a week until the top ten or whatever, we’ve asked TT to just give us her quick impressions of each singer! Full recaps will start with regular performance shows! 

Ryan greets us at Revolution Bar in the Mirage. Please god don’t let it be Beatles night. Even hearing Ringo sing Yellow Submarine is bad, and he has the voice of an angel. Ok, phew – they’ve chosen another genre of music to desecrate. Let’s begin.

 Tina Turner would be turning over in her grave, if she was not alive.

Zoanette Johnson sings “What’s Love Got to Do With It” by Tina Turner – My ears. Where’s Ike when you need him? Keith wants to give Zoanette an award for her exhibitionism, and Mimi loves the love she gives to her co-contestants, which I think means they both want to have sex with her.   

It is 2005, and I think Breanna’s highlights are very stylish.

Breanna Steer sings “Flaws and All” by Beyonce –  Breanna sounds like she’s pushing out her own Blue Ivy, or at least a giant shit. Finally, Nicki and I agree on something other than pizza Lunchables (we like them). 

Aubrey Cleland sings “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie – She’s nervous because “coming from Oregon, you don’t perform in Vegas everyday.” ONLY ROD STEWART DOES THAT, IDIOT. Ugh, all I have to say is Ferg-alicious (I wish I was) Def. And stop Linda Lovelacing that mic. Somebody has to use it after you. 

Dr. Drew patient, 2023.

Janelle Arthur sings “If I Can Dream” by Elvis – I’m gonna leave the Mindy McCready comparisons to the pros. I find it interesting that Janelle paints herself as an “aw shucks” small town girl,  but someone in her trailer porch family band plays a  DJEMBE. Surprised to see that West African percussion has made its way from the smelly drum circles of Occupy Wall Street to the Red States. Progress? Or a paid actor?

Tenna Torres sings “Lost” by Faith Hill – Natalie Nunn’s heavy-breasted twin sister really stunk up the joint with this one. Nicki compliments Tenna’s tasty taters, and Randy’s delicate sensibilities are offended (although I never saw either of his hands rise above the table during this exchange). Mimi talks about “power register” and some technical shit America doesn’t care about. BOOBS, Mimi. Boobs.

If Colton Dixon is your idol, enjoy your future of obscurity.

Angie Miller sings “I Saw The Light” by Colton Dixon - Pretty good, despite the fact that she’s COVERING COLTON DIXON.