American Idol: Season 12 Episode 4 – Shitaki Happens

Why don’t you just shut the f up, ho?  No one wants to hear your boring old stories from before I was born!

Crikey, Mariah, enough with the bust-improvement exercises!

Howdy, Gasmii!  Welcome to another episode in the never-ending saga that is American Idol.  What are we in now, season 100?  Personally, I think everything since Star Search has been scraping the bottom of the singing barrel. 

Although tonight’s contestants will actually BE singing.  So there’s that.

We open with our little Keebler Elf, Ryan, explaining we’re in the bayou, while we listen to – shocker – Born in the Bayou. 

My theme song!

Ryan says he loves traveling around the country.  Handing out EL Fudge cookes, no doubt.   Oh, and it’s Randy’s home town.  He’s doing some special preparations by having some chubby chick in a super tight plastic? rubber? dress do his makeup. 

Looking good, dawg!

We meet our first contestant, Megan Miller, the current Miss Baton Rouge. 

 PLEASE tell me this was her pageant talent. Because BATON Rouge.

She’s seriously ill from an accident, but checked herself out of the hospital to go to the audition.  Megan shares with Ryan that she’s having surgery right after the audition.  Despite what seems to be a massively injured knee, Megan’s wearing heels.  Clearly, she’s a MENSA member.  She’s also wearing one of those  headbands across her forehead.  Megan’s singing Something’s Got a Hold on Me.  Shouldn’t she do Half Breed?

Give her a feather, she’s a Cherokee.

Megan does well.  Not surprisingly, she goes to Hollywood.

Montage time!  We hear a contestant say they have “special powers”.  So do I.  It’s called a remote control.  OH SNAP!

Commercial.  Let’s spend our commercials eating food from the great Hank Williams song, Jambalaya.  Time for some gumbo!

Son of a gun, we’ll have big fun!

We’re back.  We meet Charlie Askew, who shares he’s always been socially awkward.  Aptly named, n’est ce pas? 

But adorbs!

Charlie says music is the way he expresses himself.  Charlie sings the intro to Breakthrough, by Queen.  And knocks it OUT OF THE FREAKING PARK.  I take back what I said about Star Search.  This guy is incredible.

He WILL rock you.

Some likeable ship’s captain is apparently a judge on this episode, and she really likes Charlie. 

She’s got style, I’ll give you that!