Uh-oh … our opening montage is a combo of Paul Simon’s Home with slo-mo videos of the Final Three performing in their hometowns. I never realized how ugly all three of them look while singing until AI slowed down the footage for me. Thanks for that! Also, what’s with the pirate map they keep flashing to?
… to find the buried treasure in Arkansas!
I guess this makes sense; it is The Diamond State.
Now they show us all three of them, looking sad and lonely. Buck up, kids, you only have a 33% chance of being even sadder and lonelier at the end of this evening.
So this gay black preacher’s kid, a homeschooled Filitina, and a pothead pawn shop clerk walk into a bar …
Yet another disappointing entrance by the judges, but J-Lo has outdone herself with her outfit for the penultimate week of this season of AI.
Did Max & Emme design this dress?
And the suckage in front of my eyeballs and earholes for the next minute takes my breath away:
Adam Lambert is here!
Whaddya want from me? I want you and Sauli to move to Finland … and get haircuts.
Lisa Marie Presley is here!
Unless you’re holding a séance to contact your ex-husband and/or your father, I don’t want you on my television.
Your final three are singing “Got To Get You Into My Life” by The Beatles!
There weren’t enough #1 songs by The Beatles to choose from?
Ahhh, they picked this song because it features a brass section, and they had to give P.P.’s sax player some more screen time. You know what I’m talking about, Itchy, don’t you?
Some of those band geeks turn out to be hot grown-up musicians. “SAX” is only one letter away from …
Meh. The song is no bueno, but the singing is okay.
On to the Ford commercial, in which P.P.’s absence is more than a little awkward since there’s only three of them now. All of you Gasmii AI fans probably already know this, but I just found out from multiple sources online that he has kidney stones and has been allowed to rest instead of participate during the Ford shoots. That sounds mighty suspicious to me, but now I feel bad for making fun of this face …
I’m in pain, damn it!
I think “has kidney stones” is code for: Philip’s dad drives a Chevy and brought the sidearm to P.P.’s contract negotiations.
Josh drags his ass to center stage to find out if he made it first. We get to watch a video package from last night’s three performances, spliced with Jimmy Iovine’s personal analysis. Jimmy bitched about each song, which surprised the hell out of me. He even blames himself, saying he should have picked a song for Josh with more “melody”, but it’s hard to worry about song when you spend all your time picking out your sweet, sweet wardrobe.
Ah, fuck you for tricking us, Tweecrest. He sends Josh back to the Shame Stools without finding out anything. Who’s next up in the Jimmy Lashing?
Oh, we don’t get to find out yet. We get to watch yet another commercial, this one a fusion of Ford and Ice Age: Continental Drift, in which J-Lo voices a saber-toothed tiger. The finalists make a visit to the movie’s soundtrack studio so they can hang out with Ester Dean and sing backing vocals on one of her songs. But something’s wrong with this picture ….
Miss me yet?