American Idol: Top Three Elimination Recap

Recaps

By ApplePie | Sunday, May 20, 2012 | 11:38 am | 13 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: American Idol, Recaps

 Hollie, we DO miss you!  And it’s evil to rub our faces in it (and yours) by showing this pimpomercial after you’ve been abandoned by America.  Shame on you, AI!  Don’t you sell enough Cokes and movie tickets and Fords and AT&T phones and beats by Dr. Dre speakers already?  Must you rip off Hollie’s Band-Aid so soon?

 Ester and her jewelry and her nails and her Twizzler need their own spin-off, BTW, because this bitch be craaaaaaazy ….

… in a good way, though.

 Back to live television, where HeeJun is giving us blowfish face

I wasn’t exaggerating

and Ryan’s introducing Lisa Marie.  Did Tim Burton leave Helena Bonham Carter for Lisa Marie?

WTF?

 Her song’s not bad, if you like elevator music with words.  P.S.  “Off the res” is not slang these young whippersnappers will understand, LM.  And take off your bathrobe and put on some clothes.  Your children are embarrassed.

 Now Jess is up to hear what Jimmy thought of her songs last night. 

 She should not wear J. Lo’s castoffs.

 Jimmy again, has some not nice things to say, mostly that Jess did not wow him.  Also, he repeatedly says, “If she gets into the finale…”  I guess we know whose dreams will be crushed if Jimmy was in charge.

 Time for the hastily thrown together commentary on Donna Summer’s passing.  Again, AI completely ignores their demo and talks to 3 old people about another old person. 

This one time, at the AARP convention, Donna Summer sat at our table …

They should have just played “Last Dance” and shown a picture of her on the giant video screen for 30 seconds, but what do I know.  Adam Lambert could have sung “Last Dance” as an homage, actually, but instead …

 We get his new single Never Close Our Eyes, which sucks, of course, but I am COMPLETELY ENJOYING the spectacle of his performance.

 Exhibit 1:  Those earrings and his tank top glow under black lights.  The steel crack nail does not.

Exhibit 2:  Save money by hiring backup singers who can double as bodyguards.

Exhibit 3:  Adam is angry because his guitarist does The Lambert Look better than he does.

Exhibit 4:  Be afraid, GLAAD.  Be very afraid.

Exhibit 5:  His makeup artist quit after she applied the pancake.  I miss the eyeliner.

And I repeat, the song sucked.  I’m sure Adam would be worth the ticket price at an off-Broadway show or on the Vegas Strip.

Phil, let’s get to your Jimmy Review. 

Thanks for dressing up for the biggest night of your life, P.P.

 Jimmy agrees with most of us.  Beggin’ was fun, Disease sucked, and Why Don’t You Stay was the best performance of the night, and Phil’s best performance ever.  

 What have we learned from this music magnate?  The secret, the key, to winning it all?  PICK THE RIGHT SONGS!!!!  Wouldn’t it be great if America got to pick songs for each person who makes it to the live shows?  That’s a good way to pick up the ratings next year.  That tip’s on me.  Here’s another tip:  let America choose which “stars” appear on your show to hawk their next singles, too.  You’re welcome.

 In case we haven’t dragged out the results enough, the judges each get to throw in their 50 cents, which adds up to nothing.  I wish they’d pick a judge with some balls for next season.  How about this guy?

 I will get all Communist up in their asses!

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13 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Hot Sax Girl can try as much as she likes, she’ll never make playing the saxophone sexy. It’s not like it’s a cello, you know.

    I was happy to see Josh go because I just couldn’t stand his style of female scream-singing for much longer. His album is going to be in the shape of a giant hammer. Seriously. Go back and listen to all of his performers in a row, one after another, from the very beginning. They’re all the same.

    At least this way, we’ll get to see Phil drop that stone on live tv.

  2. 2
    cherrylipgloss
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    I have to believe the map has something to do with pirates, which is somehow related to Disney, which can easily be associated with cheesy cruises, which is exactly where the three of these fianlists are bound….on the ocean, on a cruise ship, singing their hopeful little hearts out in some 80′s revue. I’ve thought of this season’s contestants too cruisy since the get-go….especially Jessica (poor soul…and they just kept eggin’ her on)

  3. 3
    melange
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 12:32 am

    That girl Ester was somehow bizarrely a caricature of herself. (How is that possible, if this is the first time we’ve met her?) Also, with the Twizzler, I kept waiting for her to morph into Dr. Walter Bishop. They would totally pull that shit on Fringe!

    I still love me some day-glo Adam Lambert. He deserves better material. So funny to see that he still sticks his tongue out when he sings falsetto – a bad habit built into his technique, but whatever works!

    Joshua is quite a singer, but the man has no subtlety. Subtlety like a braying donkey. He idolizes Fantasia, but she has more control in her little fingernail than he does in his whole, uh, package.

    I’m surprised PP requires surgery, usually they can break the little suckers up with ultrasound. It must be pretty bad. I don’t think he can blame the atonality on pain, though. It’s been there since the beginning.

  4. 4
    hot cawfee
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 4:43 am

    Sadly Phil will win this “contest”. That smug, self-satisfied-one-trick-pony performer.
    I have cut back watching as my faves–Elise, Skylar and girl who got the make-over (Elyse????) left. I loved Joshua–would have liked to hear a little Jackie Wilson from him.

  5. 5
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 5:17 am

    I think the kidney stones are just a side-effect of PP’s actual medical problem. Don’t remember what that is though. Still doesn’t excuse his habit of butchering melodies.

  6. 6
    NatPatBen NatPatBen
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 10:25 am

    @hot cawfee, I hadn’t thought of that, but now that you say it, I bet Joshua would sound great singing Jackie Wilson. I did agree with Randy that he was a throwback to the kind of R&B not heard much today, which could stand to come back with its milder lyrics than today’s x-rated music.

  7. 7
    leslilly
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Damn, I did a little research too and learned that PP has had 5 kidney stone procedures? surgeries? since Oct ’11. Supposedly his dr’s wanted him to quit the competition so he can immed have surgery, but he refused. He has looked pretty pale..poor guy.

  8. 8
    leslilly
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    I couldn’t freaking believe that Jessica did a run even during her Ice Age song moment. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

  9. 9
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 21, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    Vocal diarrhea?

  10. 10
    leslilly
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 4:03 am

    Exactly, itchy. She needs some immodium, stat.

  11. 11
    leslilly
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 4:41 am

    Josh’s bulge has its own fan club? Wow, how in the world did I miss his bulge…never noticed it.

    That last picture makes me uncomfortable. Steven Tyler looks like he’s frottering Jessica. Ick

  12. 12
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Assuming you’re female, leslilly, that bulge isn’t really meant for you anyway.

  13. 13
    leslilly
    Posted May 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Itchy! hahahaha! am dying here :) I am a woman, for sure – and you’re right, Josh’s bulge isn’t for me. BUT, I do assess noticeable bulges – purely for aesthetic reasons.

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