Hollie, we DO miss you! And it’s evil to rub our faces in it (and yours) by showing this pimpomercial after you’ve been abandoned by America. Shame on you, AI! Don’t you sell enough Cokes and movie tickets and Fords and AT&T phones and beats by Dr. Dre speakers already? Must you rip off Hollie’s Band-Aid so soon?
Ester and her jewelry and her nails and her Twizzler need their own spin-off, BTW, because this bitch be craaaaaaazy ….
… in a good way, though.
Back to live television, where HeeJun is giving us blowfish face
I wasn’t exaggerating
and Ryan’s introducing Lisa Marie. Did Tim Burton leave Helena Bonham Carter for Lisa Marie?
Her song’s not bad, if you like elevator music with words. P.S. “Off the res” is not slang these young whippersnappers will understand, LM. And take off your bathrobe and put on some clothes. Your children are embarrassed.
Now Jess is up to hear what Jimmy thought of her songs last night.
She should not wear J. Lo’s castoffs.
Jimmy again, has some not nice things to say, mostly that Jess did not wow him. Also, he repeatedly says, “If she gets into the finale…” I guess we know whose dreams will be crushed if Jimmy was in charge.
Time for the hastily thrown together commentary on Donna Summer’s passing. Again, AI completely ignores their demo and talks to 3 old people about another old person.
This one time, at the AARP convention, Donna Summer sat at our table …
They should have just played “Last Dance” and shown a picture of her on the giant video screen for 30 seconds, but what do I know. Adam Lambert could have sung “Last Dance” as an homage, actually, but instead …
We get his new single Never Close Our Eyes, which sucks, of course, but I am COMPLETELY ENJOYING the spectacle of his performance.
Exhibit 1: Those earrings and his tank top glow under black lights. The steel crack nail does not.
Exhibit 2: Save money by hiring backup singers who can double as bodyguards.
Exhibit 3: Adam is angry because his guitarist does The Lambert Look better than he does.
Exhibit 4: Be afraid, GLAAD. Be very afraid.
Exhibit 5: His makeup artist quit after she applied the pancake. I miss the eyeliner.
And I repeat, the song sucked. I’m sure Adam would be worth the ticket price at an off-Broadway show or on the Vegas Strip.
Phil, let’s get to your Jimmy Review.
Thanks for dressing up for the biggest night of your life, P.P.
Jimmy agrees with most of us. Beggin’ was fun, Disease sucked, and Why Don’t You Stay was the best performance of the night, and Phil’s best performance ever.
What have we learned from this music magnate? The secret, the key, to winning it all? PICK THE RIGHT SONGS!!!! Wouldn’t it be great if America got to pick songs for each person who makes it to the live shows? That’s a good way to pick up the ratings next year. That tip’s on me. Here’s another tip: let America choose which “stars” appear on your show to hawk their next singles, too. You’re welcome.
In case we haven’t dragged out the results enough, the judges each get to throw in their 50 cents, which adds up to nothing. I wish they’d pick a judge with some balls for next season. How about this guy?
I will get all Communist up in their asses!