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Friday, May 18, 2012
9:14 am
11 Comments
Tagged: american idol, drink!, Filipina, flipit, sparkle, tvgasm, wild turkey
This … is Episode THIRTY-SEVEN of Season 11? Holy Shitballs! This “reality” show needs to self-edit, although all the ad money from the extra episodes DOES pay J-Lo millions so she can dress like this.
Blue Light Special in Ladies’ Sportswear
This … opening reminds me vaguely of my two-photos-in-one third grade picture (and everyone else’s who was in elementary school in the 80’s).
This is NOT me, so don’t worry. However …
Wouldn’t it be great if this was Twinklecrest’s ACTUAL size?
All the audience looks fake-glad to be there, except HeeJun Han and his severe I’m-very-melancholy haircut.
Fuck the American dream. I’m going to Seoul.
Ryan makes some inane programming announcement about switching broadcasting days from Wednesday and Thursday to Tuesday and Wednesday next week, just in time for the finale. Why? Is the President going to make another dramatic policy announcement on Thursday the 24th?
I surprised you all, didn’t I?
I did it first!
The Final Three come out, none of them looking particularly glorious:
Smug Hangover
Forty-Year-Old Appearance Achieved
Aww, garsh … Amen!
So, tonight, the 3 will be singing 3 songs … how apropos. 1st Song: Judges’ Pick (will definitely suck). 2nd Song: Singer’s Pick (will probably suck). 3rd Pick: Jimmy Iovine’s Pick (audience/voter reaction to this one will determine whether winner’s first single will be this song or an original one).
I wore my nicest track jacket. Ready for the ear rape?
Randy picked some Etta James song for Joshua, who’s up first, but I’m not listening to Randy’s blitherty-blather explanation because I’m fascinated by his fug-assy timepiece. Gasmii, it’s a pocket watch and he’s wearing it on his lapel. Did he spill the mustard?
Randy is late, he’s late, for a very important date.
Joshua does not break us in gently with I’d Rather Go Blind. Singing comes as naturally as breathing to this guy. I think this sounds better than the original (I’m not going to bother to check Itunes and find out, though). Can we just listen to him the whole two hours?
Watch Species: Randy Jacksonicus, Microphone Species: Penis Africus-Americus
Joshua Assessment Song 1
Steven: Joshua, you are amazing.
J-Lo: We feed you, you feed us. You brought down the house.
I wish you didn’t. I want that other kid to win.
Randy: I refuse to make sense. [DRINK!]
J-Lo tells us she picked I’d Give My All by Mariah Carey for Jessica’s first song. Of course you did. Ugh. Jessica does not surprise me with her phenomenal talent, her pronunciation of “drowning” as “drownding” (REALLY?), her gargling mouthwash vocal technique (is that a “run” or a “vibrato” or just an annoying tic?), or her waaaaaaaay too adult stage presence.
Jessica Assessment Song 1
Randy: Name Drop [DRINK!] You nailed it.
J-Lo: America, vote for this Fabulous Filipina or I’ll cut a bitch.
Casper, did I leave my knife in that new truck I bought you?
Steven: You will win.
Steven tells us he picked Beggin’ by Madcon for “Phil” Phillips to see if he would fuck it up. Let’s see if he can … yep.
TV Social
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11 Comments
I believe that would be Hot Saxophone Chick you’re referring to there. She’s famous, you know. For being, well, hot.
Speaking of which, has anyone ever noticed that any time they bring out string instruments, and anytime they bring out any women playing an instrument, they’re always awesomely beautiful (not the instruments, the women)? And yet, my memories of our high school band had none of that.
I guess I’m super out of touch with music these days. I’ve never heard any of the songs PP sang nor the first song Joshua sang. I did enjoy PP’s last song.
Jessica singing My All made me realize how difficult that song is and how talented Mariah is (was?).
I wonder if his stage personality (when not singing) is Joshua’s real personality.
It’s hard to watch Philip try to sing straight – he looks like he’s having a very hard time keeping the pitch. Well, he doesn’t, actually. Maybe that’s why it is a struggle. Hell, maybe that’s why he does the whole weird Philip thing, as a work-around to his pitch issues.
Jessica also completely barfed the ending of “I don’t want to miss a thing” – the (very long) second to last note was way way off, but the judges thought it was the best part! The Mariah song was just awful. Pathetic, but that’s J-Lo’s fault really. Mariah, like Whitney, just made everything sound easy, and J-Lo isn’t talented enough to know the difference. Sigh, can we get an actual, trained singer for a female judge?
I think Philip will take his place as White Boy winner #5 next week, despite the tone-deafness.
I’m still sad Holly’s gone, and no recap of the ep either
@Melange, we’ll see if we can take care of that for you … Holly deserves a proper send-off with a recap. @NatPatBen, I highly recommend Bob Seger’s Greatest Hits. I can almost guarantee you you’ll find one song on that album that you like, or at least recognize from a Chevy commercial.
@itchy, you’re right. Female musicians don’t get enough credit for their talent nor their general hotness … and they have to come from somewhere, although the band geeks in my high school were not hot like that either. Perhaps these ladies are late bloomers. Sheila E is still going strong.
Was that Randy or Flava Flav???????
I agree that PP last song was awesome– I am a big Bob Seger fan and was glad he did the song justice b/c I am not a Phil fan
Before I read this recap, I have to ask two things:
1) Is Steven Tyler able to NOT say “completely over-the-top”?
2) And, when did “over-the-top” become a compliment?
@leslilly, Over-The-Top IS Steven’s favorite sexual position, so it’s always a compliment coming from him :0)
Apple Pie, heehee – love it! I don’t want to imagine him in the over-the-top position though. Has anyone seen Steven Tyler’s stupid Burger King (I think?) commercial? AI needs to overhaul the judge’s table big time. Don’t get me wrong – I love Aerosmith, especially their old stuff – but Steven Tyler spaces out half the time. I think he’s listening to the voices in his head and they’re saying OVER THE TOP! OVER THE TOP!
Itchy, back in the day, I was a cute first chair violinist in the orchestra, so they do exist in the schools
. But yeah, you’re right – they probably pick only the thin pretties to grace the stage for television. Which actually kinda sucks when you think about it..even the male musicians tend to be cookie-cutter attractive. Oh, that reminds me of the cute guy playing the fiddle when Skylar sang twice (a few weeks back). He was superb. I wonder who the hell he is and if he has any music out.
Oh, different show, but the “musicians” on The Voice cracked me up. They basically stuck a bunch of models on stilts, etc. behind the singers and put violins and guitars in their hands. They tried to look hot as they attempted to fake play. I’m not talking about the real band; just the peeps nearest the singers. At least with AI, the musicians on the stage are really playing.
I really like PP; I have to admit it. I don’t like some of the faces he makes or the straining. He sounds better when he just sings. But he’s new and he’s working it out. A couple weeks ago, he did a poor job on Time of the Season. Girls and women are definitely carrying him – he didn’t even wind up in the bottom two that week. I really am tired of the white boys winning (hated Scotty McCreepy last year), but I think Phillip deserves it this time because he’s different & interesting. I would like to see a girl win soon – but not Jessica. I was hoping for Joshua and Phillip to be the final two.
Excuse my babbling – I’m over-the-top!
NatPatBen: agreed – I didn’t know all the songs either (of course, they tweak them sometimes to be unrecognizable), so you’re not alone. We’ll be out of touch together
Melange – oh man, agreed 100%. Jessica sounded horrific at the end of the Mariah song. I have a theory. This set of AI judges mainly spouts out compliments at this stage of the game regardless of reality. I know they doled out some “meh” statements, but overall, they seem to gush when it gets to the final 3. If they tell the truth, what does that say about their talent-searching skills?
Geez, I can’t stop. I also meant to say that I miss Hollie as well.
Phil-phil ought to realize that winning idol will be the death of any hope he might have had to be taken seriously as a musician.
And his blah-bland-growly type of singing was already old in the 90s, I just don’t see him having that much impact as a pop artist.
So, yeah, I’m hoping he’ll win. The Sanchez girl, on the other hand, might have a chance at a career. She’s got a lot to learn, of course, but with the right handlers (and video director) she’ll go far.