Welcome back y’all! Sorry this has taken so long, but I felt that it would be awesome if I did the season finale and the tell all episode all in one recap. Maybe we’ll finally get some answers about this season. Or maybe they’ll avoid all the questions like the Breaking Amish reunion.
Last week we found out that Esther had some secret babies and John is still an idiot.
We open this episode with Levi showing up at Esther’s humble abode. Of course, Esther has to waltz out of the house with an attitude like she is God’s gift to this green earth. Stop it. Stop it now. Levi tells Esther that he wants her to come with him. They get in his car and ride off to some quarry. While they’re riding in the car, Levi starts to ask questions about why Esther took him away for the weekend and if it had anything to do with John. Esther tries to play it off, but we all know how much a sneaky beeotch she is. Now, my hometown is home to the granite quarry, so if you want granite countertops, then they come from here. FUN FACT. Anyways, they get to the quarry and Levi pulls John’s buggy out from the water. I was giddy with joy because it was like a scene from the Godfather. Also, I’ve never seen the Godfather, I’m just assuming that the mob does stuff like that. You know, cinderblocks on your feet, you go swimming and you never come back. Elementary stuff.
After the buggy is pulled out of the water, Esther pitches a hissy fit about where her brother is. What would have really made this moment great is if John jumped out from behind some rock and Levi goes “I’m an actor, he’s an actor, those are hidden camera AND YOUR ON MTV’S DISASTER MAFIA!” Oh one can dream.
Levi takes Esther the Fester back home and heads over to the headquarters of the My Little Pony Lovers Club. Sadly, the main office is destroyed. Time for the unison audience collective awweee in three, two, one…
The brilliant club members come to the conclusion that Merlin is behind all of this. Good detective work gang! Now go outside and clean the Mystery Machine. I mean Mercedes.
Somewhere over the rainbow, John is packing up his two pairs of Fruit of The Loom tighty whities and his 2 dozen blue shirts. He voiceovers that he’s a wanted man. On a steel horse he rides. Because he’s wanted. Dead or alive. Oh please, you are not some big threat like you think you are.
MAN ON THE RUN. MANNN ON THE RUN.
Later on, Jolin and Alvin tackle John. Now, I’m not sure how this happened. I don’t know if I wasn’t paying attention or what, but they seemed to just randomly show up. Did anyone catch the camera man running after Jolin and the others? HAHA. Breaking the fourth wall is a no-no. They take John back to a farming silo to “talk” to him. And by talking I mean they lock him in there. John keeps going “awe come on guys” over and over again. I swear, it’s like he’s the nerd and the football team keeps giving him wedgies and swirly’s because he didn’t do their homework. Finally, Levi comes in to yell at John. I swear, John does not have a pair of balls. If he wants to be such a big man, then he needs to stand up to Levi. He annoys me.
We’re not going to give you a regular wedgie, but a super MEGA wedgie.