Amish Mafia Double Recap: I Swear We’re Not Actors

Recaps

By AshSmash | Saturday, January 19, 2013 | 10:00 am | 62 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Amish Mafia, Recaps

Denial ain’t only a river in Egypt. I probably got that wrong. OH WELL. 

HUZAH – Time for more Merlin craziness. He starts talking about the Shunning and it makes me think that that would be a great title for a M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong movie. He says that being shunned was horrible for him but in the end, God is on his side. Oh honey, God is probably the only person on your side. Not even your band of Merry Losers. Jo interviews that Merlin is crazy. Yes Jo, we all know that. BUT WAIT, I’m too busy hiding behind my computer screen. Merlin has big plans. BIG PLANS. Okay then. How specific. 

Can you see me? I’m busy hiding. 

There are some random voiceovers about this season and how crazy it was. In a NEVER BEFORE SHOWN SCENE, we see Jolin get mad at someone for not paying Levi and he goes and shoots his watermelons. I kid you not. I can’t believe I just had to write that sentence. 

We’re also treated to another scene that actually pisses me off. Merlin gets mad at Levi for something and we see and beat up, but nice Ford Explorer. Then all of a sudden they start messing it up some more. Kicking it and breaking the windshield. I think this was Merlin’s car and Levi messed it up. Now, this makes me mad because they are just wasting a perfectly good car. My mom needs a new car and has done without for years (bless you momma) because she doesn’t want to spend money and go into debt. So why would a stupid show waste a car when there are plenty of people out there who need it. This may make no sense, but still I was mad. 

Back to the interviews. A producer asks how Levi feels about his lost crew. He says that he’s fine. Right. Alan interviews that he’s working on projects and of course, can’t say what they are, but he’s in contact with Merlin. Hmmmm, I smell a new plot line for a new season. Producers ask Jo where he’s been and he says he’s been staying in his hunting cabin. In other news, he’s still mad. And obviously over Esther. 

Great, we need to talk about Esther some more and we finally get to see the Merlin/Esther scene. Merlin talks about how Esther could be a good assest but she needs to be reprogrammed. EL OH EL. He says that she needs to be effed so hard she farts or something crude like that. What a scuzbag. Merlin also says that Esther likes her men. Duh. I’m telling you daddy issues. Back at John and Esther’s table, a producer tells Esther about this footage of her and Merlin. She tries to act all shocked, but she can’t even open her mouth to deny it. Cut to the crappy flip camera showing Esther canoodling with Merlin and being all flirty. Ew, why Merlin? Even Levi was a better choice. She is really desperate for attention. 

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AshSmash
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Just your average college student with a guilty pleasure for reality TV. I love bacon and cheesy one liners. 

62 Comments

  1. 1
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted January 19, 2013 at 11:02 am

    AshMash, that was Levi’s car they were taking the Ax too…

    That Tell All was a bunch of bs! Lets just sit you all down in random places and ask you a bunch of questions that you won’t answer. Shoot, I think it would have been better if they would have all been in 1 room and sat there and talked shit about each other…

    Looking forward to the 2 hour special in March.

  2. 2
    Faux Amish Esther
    Posted January 19, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Nice waxed eyebrows there Esssther! Anyone else catch that?

  3. 3
    AshSmash AshSmash
    Posted January 19, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Thanks for clearing that up thisbuggs! I thought Levi only had the caddy. And no fake Esther, I didn’t see that. Haha, thanks for pointing it out though!

  4. 4
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 19, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    @Faux Amish Esther,

    Yeah, I was wondering why she didn’t get her neck hair taken care of too… :)

    Thanks AshSmash! I read every recap and enjoyed them all. I hate this show so much that I can’t stop watching it. I am oddly attracted to Levi. Perhaps it is because he is always calm and I am not.

    Take care, Robin

  5. 5
    Tracy
    Posted January 19, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    Hilarious article.

    Love me some Alvin–strong silent type and all.

    Might I suggest Esther get a few hours with Barb in the silo…

  6. 6
    JimmyT JimmyT
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 3:36 am

    If they have a second season, I hope they exploit the scene setups that are waaay too much for the action that actually takes place:

    Levi brings Esther to the quarry to….see the beat up/dead body of her brother?…no, to see a somewhat dinged buggy

    Alvin and Jo lock up John in the silo to….beat the crap out of him?…no, to just leave him there

    Levi come to the silo to confront John and….beats the crap out of him?….no, he just tells him how gosh darn mad he is and then lets him go

    Jo goes to confront a guy that wronged Levi in a never-seen-before scene and…he breaks some legs or fingers?….no, he shoots up some watermellons

    The producers tell Esther that they have a video of her with Merlin and it proves to be….a sex tape shot in night-vision mode….no, her flirting with the guy wearing non-Amish clothing

    I’m telling you there’s comedy gold in here. I’m surprised SNL hasn’t jumped on it yet.

  7. 7
    JimmyT JimmyT
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 3:37 am

    PS – Thanks for the wild (buggy) ride AshSmash!

  8. 8
    Baba
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Most younger viewers wouldn’t catch it, but another giveaway that Esther is not Amish is her vocal fry, or creaky voice. Only young dumbed-down American women who worship bimbo divas and actresses talk like that. Notice how at the end of almost every sentence, Esther creaks like one of those obnoxious ghosts from The Grudge. It’s like freaking finger nails on a chalkboard. Whoever started vocal fry should be banished to Antarctica.

  9. 9
    Tracy
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    That would just be cruel to the penguins.

  10. 10
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Right now there is a 2 hour episode on-The Book of Merlin….it is basically when Esther takes Levi to the beach…

  11. 11
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Ash–maybe Jolin Zimmerman does read.

  12. 12
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    @JimmyT,

    I agree with all your points and most of them are why I keep watching this.

    Do you know how awful it is for an Amish guy to be locked in a silo without a barnyard pal to keep him company? How terrifying it was for Esther to see the family buggy and the idea she would have to whore around on a scooter? How much the producers had to pay someone to shoot up their watermelon patch? How extremely sad John must have been when..nah that kid is nuts..

    I like this show and I don’t know why :-)

    TC, Robin

  13. 13
    Chicken Lips
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    I couldn’t figure out what Jolin was trying to shoot at – if he was going for the melons, he certainly isn’t a great shot because it looked like there were more bullets hitting the ground than the melons. I thought maybe he was making more holes for seeds.

  14. 14
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    @Baba,

    Not only that, have you noticed that she wears flip flops? Amish women don’t show their feet.

    The least she could do is cover them with a couple of those “protective” bonnets to protect us from having to look at those gnarly things. I think protective covering shouldn’t just protect the wearer.

    :-) Robin

  15. 15
    JimmyT JimmyT
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    @Robin

    I’m right there with you. I-can’t-look-away.

    I discovered the show during a mini marathon right after Christmas and saw pretty much the whole show minus the last couple of episodes in one sitting. I hope they come back, especially now that they’ve got that weird-looking guy that reminds me of Jaws from the old James Bond movies filling in for John in Levi’s posse.

  16. 16
    Jenn
    Posted January 21, 2013 at 9:08 am

    AshSmash- you’re the bestest!!! Thanks for the awesome recap and the shoutout…I am still laughing. I love the “hiding behind the computer screen” shot. LOL This show has been hilarious from start to finish and your recaps have just made it even more enjoyable. I watch the reruns of the shows and then think about your recaps while I watch them…they just make it all even better! My Little Pony Lover’s Club…..Love that one. If these folks read any recaps of their show, I hope its yours. I can’t wait for the next season….maybe you can do something where we guess on the new story lines for the next season? That would be awesome!

  17. 17
    Robin
    Posted January 21, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    This show was hilarious! I stumbled onto this gem while sick in bed with the flu and was too weak to change the chanel. I am soooo glad I’m wasn’t hallucinating about some dude tormenting a defenseless watermelon patch. Prior to that, I thought he was kinda hot. Oh well. This site is great – thanks for the recaps!

  18. 18
    labowner
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Can we get a cross over of gypsies vs the Amish? One nut-job tradition vs the other?

  19. 19
    AshSmash AshSmash
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 11:20 am

    I was actually thinking about asking flip it if I could recap gypsy sisters. What do y’all think?

  20. 20
    labowner
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    I for one would think that would be great AshSmash. Are we getting anymore gypsy shows?

  21. 21
    oleeddie
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    ##@$ THE AMISH WHAT A JOKE EVERY GROUP HAS THERE ASSHOLES AND THE AMISH HAVE GOT HUGE PROBLEMS A BUNCH OF 8TH GRADE NIMRODS ABUSING ONE ANOTHER FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT I LOVE IT RETARDS THAT JOHN GUY IS MISSIN CHROMOSOMES. MERLIN IS JUST A PIECE OF SHIT I ENJOY SEEING HIM SHUNNED

  22. 22
    oleeddie
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    GET HIM LEVI. DIRECTORS WE NEED 1. A BARN FIGHT LEVI N MERLIN OR JOLIN N MERLIN LEVI MY KILL HIM COME ON 2.WERE EXPECTING TO SEE ALVIN TOSS THAT DISGUSTING MIDGET INTO SOME GREEN CORN. 3. EVERYONE INCLUDING JOHN GETS A POKE AT ESTER. MAYBE ALL AT ONCE. NOW THATS GOOD TV YOU ROTTEN FUCKS WRITTING THIS GARBAGE HAVE NOW GOT HOME WORK TO DO VIVA LEVI!!!

  23. 23
    AshSmash AshSmash
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Labowner – Yes we are. This February TLC is having that Gypsy Sisters show. It’s got Nettie and Nellie and them other trashy girls. The jokes are already forming in my head! Just checked today and it’s a go. I’ll be back next month!

  24. 24
    Robin Robin
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    hmmm

  25. 25
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 23, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    “that weird-looking guy that reminds me of Jaws from the old James Bond movies filling in for John in Levi’s posse.”

    I thought he was so adorable in the tell-nothing episode.
    He was all “Everything Levi says I agree with, Levi is awesome, Levi is God and he created the all the heavens and all the earthsss….” I could not stop laughing and cooing.
    There was just something so endearing about him.

  26. 26
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 7:21 am

    Odd that Team Levi has a giant and Team Merlin has a shorty. I can think of a Biblical story line coming. I think Big Steve has (or might have) acromegaly, it’s a brain tumor on the pituitary and it’s not his fault. I don’t know if he does, but I just think that. Big Steve endears me!
    Also, though the Amish usually only school through an 8th grade education, many test at 12th grade proficient level–they concentrate on the 3 R’s where government run public schools fill the kids with lots of social studies and other extras.
    Also, for these Amish Mafia folks to claim they are not actors is so dumb: if you are pretending and PERFORMING \re-enactments\ you are acting. Just because you never said \I’m going to grow up and be an actor\ or you never went through formal acting classes/ school–it doesn’t mean you are not an actor now. So take it like a man, Jolin and find some balls while you’re at it…might be under your SAG card…oops
    I love this show!!!

  27. 27
    kels
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 8:02 am

    This show is just awful. And I cannot stop watching it. It’s like rubbernecking; can’t.stop.looking.

  28. 28
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 8:13 am

    You amish are ridiculus a bunch of real scum bags. who allows a band of thugs in the church to run rufshod all over the hard working people your as bad as niggers.

  29. 29
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 8:33 am

    chose butterfly you need to spread your wings and land on levis lap if you like him so much or get in on the up coming gang bang thats about to happen to Ester. ash mash your a whore. If you are really amish you will soon be shunned and living with that bozo merlin. Jt you dont like this show your just another vouyer who enjoys watching our beloved Jews ripe apart small cults like the amish with the lure of prime time stardom According to there book each and every one is going to HELL. Dont be mad i love it myself. Unfortunately the 15 min of fame is almost up! Watch that rotten fuck merlin pray after all the chips have been played haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa. I can hear the jews promisisng more money to the amish just one more episode we wont run any bad stuff guys. Well go ahead and tell it to the bishop when Hell comes a callin! Lancaster will never be the same.
    Just imagine what would happen if the rotten gangsters from some of these intercitys would set up shop in Levi s or Merlins town What would happen yep bullet in the head gimmy the chicken melon and fine furnishing bitches. Haaaa haaaa fuck you merlin

    sin-serly

    Ther Devil

  30. 30
    kels
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Oleeddie- Seriously??? Take your hate-mongering elsewhere, your racist fuck.

  31. 31
    labowner
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Ash I am so excited. Can’t wait to see crazy Nellie and company. And February is right around the corner……

  32. 32
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 9:40 am

    chose butterfly you need to spread your wings and land on levis lap if you like him so much or get in on the up coming gang bang thats about to happen to Ester

    Jesus save me, I can’t stop laughing.

    Okay, well thank you for that bit of advice oleedie. I’ll take it under consideration.

  33. 33
    Tracy
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Wow. That was, um, unexpected. Why the rage? How about a little civility?

  34. 34
    kels
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Sorry guys; this statement from Oleedie just got to me.

    “You amish are ridiculus a bunch of real scum bags. who allows a band of thugs in the church to run rufshod all over the hard working people your as bad as niggers.”

  35. 35
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Right kels… the statement “You amish are ridiculus a bunch of real scum bags. who allows a band of thugs in the church to run rufshod all over the hard working people your as bad as niggers.”

    PAY ATTENTION OLEEDIE! They are not part of the church, they have never been baptized in the church, hence they can rumspringa forever and are still accepted in the community. There are many many who have not been baptized and that is WHY an Amish Mafia is essential–the bishop can’t touch them! But, the Amish Mafia can. These are re-enactments. get it oleedie? The Amish do not pay Social Security insurance, the Amish Aid takes care of them: meet the Amish Mafia!

    I love this show. love it love it love love love it!

  36. 36
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    Team Levi or Team Merlin?

  37. 37
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    Okay who let oleo eddie in ?

  38. 38
    AshSmash AshSmash
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    I don’t know about you guys, but I’m team Alvin’s bowl cut.

    OldEddie, it’s AshSmash, not mash. We’re not doing the monster mash. Smash. As in, if you come on here again insulting people I’ll smash my computer. LEARNING IS FUN!

  39. 39
    kels
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Alvin’s bowl cut is irresistable, isnt’ it?
    I’m team scary Barb if means Esther’s overinflated ego will get a smackdown.

  40. 40
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 3:22 pm

    START SMASHIN!!!!!!!!!!!! ASHSMASH CUUUUZZZZ IM BACK IN SPADES LIKE THAT ROTTEN FUCK MERLIN!!!!! OOOOOHHHH OOOOOOHHHH I GET IT COMPLETLEY IM NOT PART OF THE CHURCH EITHER I SHOULD BRING MY CREW DOWN THERE AND SMACK UP THESES WANNA BEES. IVE BEEN BAPTIZED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF. I LL PROTECT THOSE POOR FUCKS. I DONT PAY SOCIAL SECURITY INSURANCE EITHER. FUCK MY BUGGY UP AND SEE WHAT YOU GET. A ROTTEN FUCKER LIKE ME WILL ROLL LEVI AND HIS CHOIR BOYS FOR THERE NICE CARS AND FANCY SUITS THESE GUYS LACK CLASS AND BALLS. WHAT A PISS POOR DISPLAY OF THUGGERY. I THINK WE NEED TO IMPORT MS 13 OR A NICE RENEGADE BIKER GANG TO PUT A WHOOPIN FIRST ON ESTERS NAKED ASS AND THEN ON THE REST OF THESE BULLIES. NOW AS FOR YOU JT GDIMME YOUR MONEY!!! YOU SEEM LIKE JUST THE VOYEUR THAT LIKES TO SEE OTHERS BEING TREATED LIKE TRASH. I THINK THAT YOU NEED SOME ORGANIZING YOURSELF. SO STIFLE IT WHEN COMES TO GIVING ME LESSON SONNY BOY!!!!! AND AS FOR YOU KETS IVE GOT MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!!! KEEP IT UP AND YOU WILL BE PAYING LIKE THE AMISH DO. YOU LOVE THIS SHIT AS LONG AS YOU CAN WATCH THE AGONY FROM AFAR. YOUR SICK. SO WHERES YOUR PAYMENT AND IT BETTER NOT BE FUCKING LIGHT!!!!!
    RACIST FUCK HEY IVE BANGED EM AROUND THE WORLD IN MOST EVERY COUNTRY ON THE FACE OF THIS ROTTEN SPINNING ROCK AND ALL OF THEM LOVE IT BIG TIME. MAYBE I SHOULD DO THE HONORS AND STRAIGHTEN UP ESTER MYSELF AS I DONT THINK THAT THESE NIMRODS IN LANCASTER CAN SWING IT!!! AND TRACY DONT THINK THAT IVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BLURB. HONEY,??? SUGAR BRITCHES,???? CAN YOU HEAR ME????? CIVILITY! CIVILITY! THE SAME CIVILITY AS SHAKIN DOWN A BUNCH OF REDNECKS THAT JUST CANT TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. YA YOU MUST BE CIVIL YOURSELF. YOU ROTTEN DISCUSTING WRETCH. KETS I WILL DEFLATE ESTERS EGO THROUGH HER ASS……..! IM SUPRISED NO ONE WAS OFFENDED BY MY COMMENTS ABOUT THE JEWS? PUSSYS!

    SIN-CERLY

    THE DEVIL

  41. 41
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    team levi? team merlin? HOW ABOUT TEAM OLE FUCKIN EDDIE IF YOUR NASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. 42
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I MEAN IF YOUR ALL FANS OF A BUNCH OF BULLIES TRY ME ON FOR SIZE.

  43. 43
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    ” FUCK MY BUGGY UP AND SEE WHAT YOU GET.” is getting tattooed on my bicep. STAT.

  44. 44
    SuburBint
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    @ sarcas — Thunder poacher!

  45. 45
    Tracy
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Ooooo…sugarbritches. Now that, my friends, is a bangin’ insult.

    Team Alvin for me.

  46. 46
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    Haha, SuperB!

    oleoeddie says: “YOUR SICK.”

    How does he know it’s mine?

  47. 47
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    SARCASATIRE NOW YOUR SOME ONE THAT UNDERSTANDS I THINK YOU AND I COULD TAKE OVER THE AMISH COMMUNITY AND MAKE THEM BETTER FOR IT.

    GOD BLESS

    THE DEVIL

  48. 48
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    TRACY LOOOOOOKKK INTO MY EYES…….

  49. 49
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    OOOOOPPSSS

    THE DEVIL

  50. 50
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Cinnamon trolls aren’t so tasty any more.

    love, J-Mo :)

  51. 51
    oleeddie
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    JMO IVE NEVER HAD ONE

  52. 52
    labowner
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Watch out Sarcasatire.

    I could have sworn, Old Dirty Bastard died.

    Ole- obvious troll is obvious. At least correct your spelling.

  53. 53
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    I’m still getting that tattoo!

  54. 54
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    Ole effin eddie– I am not a dude. I am so so very much a chick. please.

    AshSmash!! Me gusta todo lo que escribe!!! ( I think I said it right) I am Team Alvin with the Amish bowl cut!

    I can’t wait until the March 2 hour special of Amish Mafia.

  55. 55
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    I seriously can’t stop laughing.
    Where did he even come from?!?!
    And why is he so obsessed with fucking Esther?

    Alvin’s bowl cut is everything I need to survive and more.

  56. 56
    Tracy
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    I can’t wait to see the new mysterious gangster they’re teasing us with on the preview for March’s episode.

  57. 57
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    @Tracy- I think it might be oleeddie!

  58. 58
    Tracy
    Posted January 24, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    He’ll be easy to spot with his klan hoodie. ((Shudders at the thought))

  59. 59
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I just saw a $49.00 t-shirt on ebay for AMISH MAFIA HUT PARTY June 16, 2012 Lancaster PA

  60. 60
    kels
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 11:33 am

    I truly had no idea that you could deflate someone’s ego through their ass. Always nice to learn new things. :)

  61. 61
    Tracy
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    OK y’all have to stop making me laugh out loud at work (kels!) I cannot possibly explain to them why I’m laughing and thereby admit to watching Amish Mafia!

  62. 62
    labowner
    Posted January 30, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Holy shit – when does these people get their own reality show?

    http://www.salon.com/2013/01/30/shadowy_modesty_squads_police_ultra_orthodox_brooklyn/

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