Moving right along, we open up with some “on this episode of Amish Mafia” with Levi and John doing their talking head interviews. Then a voiceover, Esther (gag) I’m assuming, talks about the Church and how being modest and having small amounts of material things brings you closer to God. During this voiceover, Joelin is playing with his guns and doing shirtless pushups. Now, I know absolutely nothing about guns, but some of the ones he has look pretty hardcore. Like, he should be in a rap video riding around on his ’24s. I have to wonder how he got those guns, if his parents know about them.
Snapshot sounds are made with pictures of Levi and Alvin. Oh Alvin, how I want to sit you down and just shave your head, cause bowlcuts are so 1987. I totally made that up because I’m not an ’80′s baby. Esther again says that Levi and his gang are the Amish Mafia. WE GET IT. We know who they are. How many times is Discovery going to introduce them to us? Levi and his gang do the dirty work the church can’t. They like to help people.
Oh, guys I think that was somewhat the opening credits. HEY, you know what would be really fun? If the Mafia did a real housewives opening. Real Housewives of The Amish Mafia. They could open up and be all sassy with their catchphrase and Z-snap everywhere. Get in touch with me, Bravo.
More talking heads come up with Esther (groan) and John. They AGAIN talk about the church and the rules. Wear a hat, don’t cut your hair, our lives revolve around God. Blah Blah Blah.
Anyone else notice that those head coverings look like coffee liners? Talking head John says that they can do all this hardcore stuff because they haven’t been baptized in the Church. So is that like you can pass go and collect $200 dollars sort of deal? Levi comes up and says he likes helping people. That’s great. Here’s a cookie. Kidding, I actually like Levi. He just wants to help and protect people, but I’m not totally sure how he does some things.
Esther interviews that people always come to Levi with their troubles. Joelin says that Levi once threw a guy out of the second story window of a barn because he tried to sell Levi some drugs. You go son. Levi should be a DARE officer. “Don’t sell or do drugs kids. I’ll throw you out of a barn.”
None of these Amish people want to be seen so most of the time you get one of the Mafia or……Esther talking to a blurred face. Which, I totally understand. Alan, another dude in the Mafia, is getting his hair cornrowed. Oh and he’s black, incase you didn’t hear everyone call him the Black Amish eighty million times. They even have their own special name for him. Don’t you feel honored, Alan? Alan was adopted by Amish Mennonite parents, The Bielers, not to be confused with “beliebers” Alan does his talking head thing and says that he’s an event coordinator for Levi.
Levi and Alan are supposed to meet up at a bar but Alan’s a no show. Alvin and Levi figure that Alan is in some kind of trouble and they go off to look for him. And when I say go off to look for him, I really mean they send Joe off.
Joe hops into his fine mother effing truck (I have a thing for nice trucks, it’s a southern thing) and starts driving around what I presume to be Lancaster, PA. He stops and asks random, blurred out faces if they’ve seen Alan. Nobody knows where he is.
John shows up on his Razr scooter and talks about how he wants a car. John and Alvin speak some PA dutch. The show says that Amish speak dutch when they don’t want anyone to know what they’re talking about. But here’s the thing, there’s this magical invention caused translators and closed captions, so we know every word of what they’re saying. Levi is working construction with Alvin, who seems to be attached at the hip. John climbs on the roof and asks Levi for a car. More talking head interviews with Levi who says that John needs to earn his way up.
Can you believe there’s still 52 minutes left of the show, including commercials. I’m trying to include details, but unless you want to read a 10 page essay, I may need to skip over some less important things.