Amish Mafia Recap: Hut Parties Sound Super Rad

Recaps

By AshSmash | Saturday, December 15, 2012 | 9:26 pm | 13 Comments
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Posted in: Amish Mafia, Recaps

 Moving right along, we open up with some “on this episode of Amish Mafia” with Levi and John doing their talking head interviews. Then a voiceover, Esther (gag) I’m assuming, talks about the Church and how being modest and having small amounts of material things brings you closer to God. During this voiceover, Joelin is playing with his guns and doing shirtless pushups.  Now, I know absolutely nothing about guns, but some of the ones he has look pretty hardcore. Like, he should be in a rap video riding around on his ’24s. I have to wonder how he got those guns, if his parents know about them. 

Snapshot sounds are made with pictures of Levi and Alvin. Oh Alvin, how I want to sit you down and just shave your head, cause bowlcuts are so 1987. I totally made that up because I’m not an ’80′s baby. Esther again says that Levi and his gang are the Amish Mafia. WE GET IT. We know who they are. How many times is Discovery going to introduce them to us? Levi and his gang do the dirty work the church can’t. They like to help people. 

Oh, guys I think that was somewhat the opening credits. HEY, you know what would be really fun? If the Mafia did a real housewives opening. Real Housewives of The Amish Mafia. They could open up and be all sassy with their catchphrase and Z-snap everywhere. Get in touch with me, Bravo.

More talking heads come up with Esther (groan) and John. They AGAIN talk about the church and the rules. Wear a hat, don’t cut your hair, our lives revolve around God. Blah Blah Blah. 

Anyone else notice that those head coverings look like coffee liners? Talking head John says that they can do all this hardcore stuff because they haven’t been baptized in the Church. So is that like you can pass go and collect $200 dollars sort of deal? Levi comes up and says he likes helping people. That’s great. Here’s a cookie. Kidding, I actually like Levi. He just wants to help and protect people, but I’m not totally sure how he does some things. 

Esther interviews that people always come to Levi with their troubles. Joelin says that Levi once threw a guy out of the second story window of a barn because he tried to sell Levi some drugs. You go son. Levi should be a DARE officer. “Don’t sell or do drugs kids. I’ll throw you out of a barn.”

None of these Amish people want to be seen so most of the time you get one of the Mafia or……Esther talking to a blurred face. Which, I totally understand. Alan, another dude in the Mafia, is getting his hair cornrowed. Oh and he’s black, incase you didn’t hear everyone call him the Black Amish eighty million times. They even have their own special name for him. Don’t you feel honored, Alan? Alan was adopted by Amish Mennonite parents, The Bielers, not to be confused with “beliebers”  Alan does his talking head thing and says that he’s an event coordinator for Levi. 

Levi and Alan are supposed to meet up at a bar but Alan’s a no show. Alvin and Levi figure that Alan is in some kind of trouble and they go off to look for him. And when I say go off to look for him, I really mean they send Joe off.

Joe hops into his fine mother effing truck (I have a thing for nice trucks, it’s a southern thing) and starts driving around what I presume to be Lancaster, PA. He stops and asks random, blurred out faces if they’ve seen Alan. Nobody knows where he is.

John shows up on his Razr scooter and talks about how he wants a car. John and Alvin speak some PA dutch. The show says that Amish speak dutch when they don’t want anyone to know what they’re talking about. But here’s the thing, there’s this magical invention caused translators and closed captions, so we know every word of what they’re saying. Levi is working construction with Alvin, who seems to be attached at the hip. John climbs on the roof and asks Levi for a car. More talking head interviews with Levi who says that John needs to earn his way up. 

Can you believe there’s still 52 minutes left of the show, including commercials. I’m trying to include details, but unless you want to read a 10 page essay, I may need to skip over some less important things. 

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AshSmash
About

Just your average college student with a guilty pleasure for reality TV. I love bacon and cheesy one liners. 

13 Comments

  1. 1
    plockness monster plockness monster
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 11:15 am

    How are they able to drive cars? I thought the Amish didn’t believe in them.

  2. 2
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Wait, but if these guys haven’t been baptized into the church, are they even really Amish?
    And how did they escape being baptized? After Rumspringa, don’t you get baptized automatically if you choose not to live like the English?

    Alvin is my favorite. Something is just so amusing about an Amish gangster with a bowlcut and a nice ass Mercedes. Like, if I was rolling down the road and that car pulled up beside me with Alvin at the wheel, I’d have to pull over to laugh in safety.
    It’s just so crazy.
    Jolin matches his truck perfectly. He should keep his glasses on at all times though. With them on, he kind of looks hot.
    As soon as he takes them off, I’m painfully reminded that he looks like some kind of rodent and is balding in the front.
    Maybe a weasel?

    Also, I wonder how rich Levi is really.
    I know Esther said he was the richest guy in Lancaster county, but given that most Amish aren’t wealthy and only have what they need to live, is he just rich in comparison to other Amish or is he legitimately rich? I guess he’s legitimately rich if he’s buying everyone nice ass cars, and all you have to do is ask him if you want one. Does he pay the insurance on the cars? Does he give them gas money, since they mostly drive to do stuff for him?

    And did anyone else feel like they were blowing the Alan thing out of proportion?
    He’s a bad ass dude, with his high speed chases and stuff, but I’m pretty sure the police don’t care what the Amish people are doing. I’m sure they have other things to deal with.
    And don’t police not have dominion over Amish matters? Don’t the Amish govern themselves and deal with law-breaking within their own community? What were they so scared about?

    I have so many questions!!

  3. 3
    cherry belle cherry belle
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    i miss breaking amish. it might’ve been faked a bit, but the people in it were WAY more interesting than these morons.

    plockness, mennonites can drive at all times – they have limited technology in their community – i learned that from breaking amish, lol – & amish kids can during rumspringa.

    i wish someone would explain the behavior at their hut party with all the kissing, because it’s super strange & the sort of thing that would happen during an orgy, not an amish party? it feels like there’s more going on behind that & that they possibly ARE having orgies behind closed doors? gross. or that the girls are borderline sex slaves? the men in the community are, to the point of their detriment (because come on, none of these people are genuises and none of them are ever going to truly be in a position of power), the reigning force so it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they do things like this with the women/girls.

    all these shows have done is make me dislike amish people even more than i did before … i don’t get why they’re all agreeing to it because all it is doing is showcasing how mind-numbingly stupid they are `! well i guess that can be said about all reality tv … but you’d think that people whom are so ‘holy’ wouldn’t be drawn to this?

  4. 4
    emily
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    There is a Irish Mafia reminds me of something i would see on SNL.

  5. 5
    Jenn
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

    AshSmash, no clue about your AHS recaps but this one on the Amish Mafia was hysterical! LOL I am watching this show because, to be honest, I simply can’t help myself….same thing as watching a car wreck or train crash…think its a “human nature” thing. I think Alvin is my favorite….maybe I’ve secretly loved bowl haircuts? Dudes named after, and who sound like, chipmunks? I definitely like the car though. Esther irritates me too actually. I mean, if Levi has a thing for her and he holds all the power, and its obvious she wants power, then hook up with the guy already! Everyone knows wives usually have the REAL power. Yeah, her brother’d be out of luck but he’s not real smart anyway.

  6. 6
    PaganSun
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 8:26 am

    Coming from Lancaster County I can say I have seen these people around the area dressed as Amish prior to any Amish TV shows …. but in reality there is no Amish Mafia, Fixers yes … but not church sanctioned – Amish Keg parties, Amish pot fields, cars, computers just about anything the English do the Amish will do. I’ve even seen Amish men going into porn stores. The show does give a more realistic look into Amish life than most documentaries on the Amish have done in the past – Historical perspective likes to whitewash and water down the realities of life this is open and raw and does give you more of a realistic view of the Amish. And yes there is some validity to the claim that if they were not baptized they are perhaps not actually Amish ..but they were raised within the Amish community.

  7. 7
    Jenn
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Okay, AshSmash, we NEED the last episode (#3?) recapped from your point of view, which I personally enjoy! I can’t wait to hear how you break it down! LOL

  8. 8
    AshSmash AshSmash
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Working on it right now miss Jenn! I’ll try to have it up by tonight!

  9. 9
    Brad w12345
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Lol great read took me 20 mins to read it because I was laughing so hard the whole time. Definitely do one for episode 3 I’d like to hear your thoughts on the buggy contest Lmfao!

  10. 10
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    “I’ve even seen Amish men going into porn stores.”

    My mind is so blown right now.

  11. 11
    JT HUNT
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 4:36 am

    Alan is shwatz amish– speaking dutch because I don’t want you to know what I am saying!

  12. 12
    tami
    Posted January 16, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    they call him “Lebanon Levi” because he’s from Lebanon PA…….

  13. 13
    Jose Palamino
    Posted January 20, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    I was at the same bar Alvin was the night he got arrested for DUI. He was talking about being on a reality show in Pennsylvania.

    He can’t hold his booze. Very hammered. He puked and was told to leave.

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