Welcome Back to the train wreck that is known as Amish Mafia! I’m as giddy as a sorority girl at a all the alcohol you can drink frat mixer. That’s how excited I am for this episode. Also, the phrase of the day is “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” LET’S GET IT STARTED.
The Amish Church denies any existence of the Mafia. And this is totally scripted. Opening credits with Jo doing shirtless pushups.
Esther the talking head interviews that in the Amish, you only go to school until 8th grade. After that, you work on your family’s farm or whatever they do for money. I’m not really sure what that has to do with anything, but whateva. Esther then says that one day she was out taking a stroll when some guys started whistling at her. Now, I’m not a Victoria’s Secret Angel (Dear Santa, I would like to be one) but unless she was dressed as an “english” girl, I’m pretty sure those guys were mocking her or something. Levi was with her and he did something to them that Esther is not a liberty to say. GO HOME ESTHER.
Levi has called his minions to meet up at some old roofless shack. They’re speaking that dutch again and I don’t understand. There is no one around you. You’re on a TV show. Why do you not want people to know what you’re saying. The subject of drugs is brought up and I have no clue where this came from. Esther interviews that Levi says he hates drugs but she knows that if there is a profit to be made, Levi would jump all over that. Oh Esther, groan groan groan, I have one thing to say to you. CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. I mean, MY HEAVENS, do you ever shut up? Are you aware that pretty damn soon, Levi will not be doing favors for your sorry butt anymore?
The crew of Levi’s talk about how pissed they are because of Alan. You see, since Alan went and got himself locked up in the slammer and he’s doing 2-3 with a chance of parole and has a roommate named Bobby Lee, the gang can no longer really earn money because they have to lay low. Now, I was hoping that laying low meant they were actually on the ground and having to crawl every where Mission Impossible style, but alas, I was wrong.
I’m really mad that Alan got himself locked up because now they can’t throw anymore SUPER RAD hut parties. What a shame. But here’s a grand idea! What about a barn fight? A good old MMA douchebag, tapout wearing barn fight. Gotta earn money somehow! Of course John jumps at this opportunity because he still thinks he’s getting a car. Wrong-o Johnny boy. Jolin interviews that he thinks Barn Fights are super fun because people show up and place bets. Right, I’m sure they just “happen” to show up because a camera crew is there. Also, fun for who? Levi because he get’s all the moolah.
Wayyyyy out yonder, Esther (GROAN GROAN KICKS SELF IN FACE AND RIPS OUT HAIR) and John sit on a bench and have a little chat. On a scale of 1 – 10, how annoying has Esther been already this episode. If you guessed 45, then winner winner chicken dinner. Thanks for playing folks!
“So like, does like Jolin, like like me? Or does he like, like me like me?
John wants Esther to go to Levi and play him some more so he can throw a Barn Fight. Sweet Fergie Claus, I am so tired of John whining about not being higher up. Take the Discovery money, cause I know you’re getting paid for these “re-enactments” and go down to Big Stan’s Used Car dealership and BUY. YOUR. OWN. CAR.
Little sister of John says annoyingly that she’s tired of having to suck up to Levi. I bet if you were sucking something then your bro would be the head honcho. HEY-OH. Also, that was dirty and un-ladylike. Oh wait, I’m an english slut so I guess it doesn’t matter. Then, THEN, John interviews that Esther is a woman and the woman is always supposed to obey the man, so he better do what she says. BOOM BOOM, what’s that America? Why that was the sound of Esther being put in her place.