Amish Mafia Recap: This Episode Was Brought To You By Tap-Out Clothing Gear and Other Douche-bags.

Recaps

By AshSmash | Saturday, December 22, 2012 | 6:00 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Amish Mafia, Recaps

Welcome Back to the train wreck that is known as Amish Mafia! I’m as giddy as a sorority girl at a all the alcohol you can drink frat mixer. That’s how excited I am for this episode. Also, the phrase of the day is “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” LET’S GET IT STARTED.

The Amish Church denies any existence of the Mafia. And this is totally scripted. Opening credits with Jo doing shirtless pushups.

Esther the talking head interviews that in the Amish, you only go to school until 8th grade. After that, you work on your family’s farm or whatever they do for money. I’m not really sure what that has to do with anything, but whateva. Esther then says that one day she was out taking a stroll when some guys started whistling at her. Now, I’m not a Victoria’s Secret Angel (Dear Santa, I would like to be one) but unless she was dressed as an “english” girl, I’m pretty sure those guys were mocking her or something. Levi was with her and he did something to them that Esther is not a liberty to say. GO HOME ESTHER.

Levi has called his minions to meet up at some old roofless shack. They’re speaking that dutch again and I don’t understand. There is no one around you. You’re on a TV show. Why do you not want people to know what you’re saying. The subject of drugs is brought up and I have no clue where this came from. Esther interviews that Levi says he hates drugs but she knows that if there is a profit to be made, Levi would jump all over that. Oh Esther, groan groan groan, I have one thing to say to you. CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. I mean, MY HEAVENS, do you ever shut up? Are you aware that pretty damn soon, Levi will not be doing favors for your sorry butt anymore? 

The crew of Levi’s talk about how pissed they are because of Alan. You see, since Alan went and got himself locked up in the slammer and he’s doing 2-3 with a chance of parole and has a roommate named Bobby Lee, the gang can no longer really earn money because they have to lay low. Now, I was hoping that laying low meant they were actually on the ground and having to crawl every where Mission Impossible style, but alas, I was wrong. 

I’m really mad that Alan got himself locked up because now they can’t throw anymore SUPER RAD hut parties. What a shame. But here’s a grand idea! What about a barn fight? A good old MMA douchebag, tapout wearing barn fight.  Gotta earn money somehow! Of course John jumps at this opportunity because he still thinks he’s getting a car.  Wrong-o Johnny boy. Jolin interviews that he thinks Barn Fights are super fun because people show up and place bets. Right, I’m sure they just “happen” to show up because a camera crew is there. Also, fun for who? Levi because he get’s all the moolah. 

Wayyyyy out yonder, Esther (GROAN GROAN KICKS SELF IN FACE AND RIPS OUT HAIR) and John sit on a bench and have a little chat. On a scale of 1 – 10, how annoying has Esther been already this episode. If you guessed 45, then winner winner chicken dinner. Thanks for playing folks! 

“So like, does like Jolin, like like me? Or does he like, like me like me? 

John wants Esther to go to Levi and play him some more so he can throw a Barn Fight. Sweet Fergie Claus, I am so tired of John whining about not being higher up. Take the Discovery money, cause I know you’re getting paid for these “re-enactments” and go down to Big Stan’s Used Car dealership and BUY. YOUR. OWN. CAR. 

Little sister of John says annoyingly that she’s tired of having to suck up to Levi. I bet if you were sucking something then your bro would be the head honcho. HEY-OH. Also, that was dirty and un-ladylike. Oh wait, I’m an english slut so I guess it doesn’t matter. Then, THEN, John interviews that Esther is a woman and the woman is always supposed to obey the man, so he better do what she says. BOOM BOOM, what’s that America? Why that was the sound of Esther being put in her place. 

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AshSmash
About

Just your average college student with a guilty pleasure for reality TV. I love bacon and cheesy one liners. 

12 Comments

  1. 1
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Okay – I have to comment on the main photo. They look about as scary as four men waiting for a bus. That rifle doesn’t even look loaded.

    And I swear the second guy from the right is Governor Christie of New Jersey. What the hell is he doing in this show?

  2. 2
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    AMISH MAFIA – FREE VIVI! Everyone in Ohio should FREE VIVI! Just saying…

    (Love the Recap!)

  3. 3
    LilOlMe
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    I LOVE your recaps so much. You nail everything I am thinking. I always have questions as I am watching and then I forget them maybe next week I will remember them. Oh yeah aren’t they only allowed to have facial hair if they are married? How is Johnny boy sporting the goatee? Does that fall under the umbrellas of Amish without being baptized?

    And thank the lord of butter that I am not the only one that wants to jump through my TV and smack the hell out of Esther. And am I the only one that think her head covering look like weird lumps on her head like really lumpy white horns?? And John is that annoying kid who is like yeah I’m gonna take over, you’ll see someday everyone will look up to me. He just seems like all the lights are on but nobody’s home to me.

  4. 4
    Hops
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Who keeps a desk in a barn? Can’t Levi find a nice house or some place less dusty to run his empire? Nothing says kingpin like “Let’s go in the barn and talk business.” It makes me think of playing pretend as kids.

  5. 5
    Jenn
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 10:28 am

    AshSmash…you’re the best! Please, stop warning Esther. I can’t take her whinning @ss so if she walks into a landmine of her own making, I want to see it happen. I hope she and her idiot brother both get dumped out on the curb. Better yet, I’d really like to see Alvin break out of his quiet mode and go psycho on John and then dump some intel about Esther and her shenangians to Levi, that he’s been holding back for the right moment. He may seem quiet and slow but I think he’s playing us…watch and see, he’ll end being the brains behind it all come the end. The one thing I am really hoping is that eventually, some amish/mennonite chick without her face blurred will come along, be their version of the Amish Giselle Bundchen and take all the attention away from Esther. I want to watch her cry while this chick helps Jolin wash his truck. LOL

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Question do you think they go somewhere to watch themselves on TV?

  7. 7
    caligal
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 10:14 am

    John makes Fredo look like the smart Corleone.

  8. 8
    Jenn
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 10:49 am

    OMG….caligal, you’re so right on the money! John IS the Fredo of the Amish Mafia! LOL That’s priceless…I won’t be able to watch this show now without thinking that each time I see John.

  9. 9
    JT HUNT
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 4:01 am

    Did you guys know Levi Stoltzfus is 46 years old? And, he is cousins to Kate Stoltzfus of \Breaking Amish\

  10. 10
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Ok, so I am told Levi is in his 30′s not 46. Ash–what about Esther’s babies!!!

  11. 11
    Dee Clarke
    Posted January 17, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    What is the significance of Merlin always wearing an Orange, short-sleeved shirt? I think the vest denotes his branch of the Amish (like the hat) but why the orange shirt?

  12. 12
    Fresno cali
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Aint these pussys great to watcUh two wordss fukn hillarious

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