Amish Mafia Recap: This Episode Was Brought To You By Tap-Out Clothing Gear and Other Douche-bags.

Recaps

By AshSmash | Saturday, December 22, 2012 | 6:00 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Amish Mafia, Recaps

It’s now John’s time to shine. You know he just hopped out of bed so giddy that morning. Like a kid on Christmas Eve. John heads over the the rented barn with some rather large dude to set up for the fight. They put down mats and lights and ropes and crap.  Just as John is finishing up at the barn, good old Jo heads over to get himself “tatted” up. Now, I’m in college and down with all the hip lingo so let’s discuss the definition of being “tatted” up. Picture it: A white girl walks into a tattoo parlor and says “Can you put an infinity symbol on my foot with the word love in there somewhere?” She laughs to herself and thinks how original she is. While she’s waiting in the chair, she pulls out her iPhone 4S with a Juicy Couture phone case and tweets “Gettin’ tatted up! Can’t wait to show my gurlzzzz” 

What was wrong with the statement above? Being “tatted” is having more than one tattoo. Hence, Jo.

AnyNeedles, Jo voice-overs that he likes tattoos as it’s a symbol of fierceness. I’m not even going to discuss what Esther says because whatever it is, is probably irrelevant. That tattoo healed pretty quick, because now Jo is at the gym workin’ on his MMA skills. He’s looks too skinny to fight anyone. I wonder if I could break him in half. Nahh. Levi goes to pick out Jo’s opponent and just winds up talking to blurred out faces. 

Back from the commercial break. The guys do some talking head interviews about how much moolah they make at these barn fights. Well, I only hope that no one brings WHEEDDD to this fight or else I’ll have to sick Babs on ya. 

Time for Jo to fight. Of course Esther’s there. Being as desperate as ever. Stay classy, homegirl. Oh and CHECK YOURSELF. Am I getting annoying yet? Well, not as much as Esther is. Jo wins the fight and the gang is stoked. Jo is stoked. Esther is ready to rip her dress off. What a glorious night in Lancaster. Jo goes out to his truck when lo and behold, desperate girl comes waltzing up. She interviews that she doesn’t know what compelled her to go out there. *Raises hand* Uhm, excuse me Esther, honey, bless your heart. I know why you went out there. YOU WANTED TO GET SOME. Don’t even try to deny. Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. Sometimes I am just too much. I wonder why I’m single. (Rhetorical question) 

Congrats. Esther’s your prize. 

Johnny boy comes to deliver the money from the fight. Has anyone else noticed that when John interviews he looks like that guy in high school that tags around with the seniors? Like, he’s the JV football player who hangs out with the Varsity boys, but in reality they just use him. He’s always so proud of himself. I bet goes home everyday and says “Guess what mom! Levi let me run an errand today! Tomorrow he said he’ll give me a swirly. I wonder what that is, sounds like a delicious dessert treat!” I bet swirly’s would be nasty considering they don’t use indoor plumbing. Ew. 

Just as John is leaving, Levi asks him if he knows a dude named Merlin. MERLIN. What kind of name is that. Merlin hails from Ohio. I wonder if he knows the Candy Apple’s Dance Studio? Free Vivi! Merlin is in charge of the Amish Mafia over in Ohio. What now there’s a chain? John lies through his teeth and says no, he doesn’t know of this Merlin creature. 

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AshSmash
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Just your average college student with a guilty pleasure for reality TV. I love bacon and cheesy one liners. 

12 Comments

  1. 1
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Okay – I have to comment on the main photo. They look about as scary as four men waiting for a bus. That rifle doesn’t even look loaded.

    And I swear the second guy from the right is Governor Christie of New Jersey. What the hell is he doing in this show?

  2. 2
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    AMISH MAFIA – FREE VIVI! Everyone in Ohio should FREE VIVI! Just saying…

    (Love the Recap!)

  3. 3
    LilOlMe
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    I LOVE your recaps so much. You nail everything I am thinking. I always have questions as I am watching and then I forget them maybe next week I will remember them. Oh yeah aren’t they only allowed to have facial hair if they are married? How is Johnny boy sporting the goatee? Does that fall under the umbrellas of Amish without being baptized?

    And thank the lord of butter that I am not the only one that wants to jump through my TV and smack the hell out of Esther. And am I the only one that think her head covering look like weird lumps on her head like really lumpy white horns?? And John is that annoying kid who is like yeah I’m gonna take over, you’ll see someday everyone will look up to me. He just seems like all the lights are on but nobody’s home to me.

  4. 4
    Hops
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Who keeps a desk in a barn? Can’t Levi find a nice house or some place less dusty to run his empire? Nothing says kingpin like “Let’s go in the barn and talk business.” It makes me think of playing pretend as kids.

  5. 5
    Jenn
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 10:28 am

    AshSmash…you’re the best! Please, stop warning Esther. I can’t take her whinning @ss so if she walks into a landmine of her own making, I want to see it happen. I hope she and her idiot brother both get dumped out on the curb. Better yet, I’d really like to see Alvin break out of his quiet mode and go psycho on John and then dump some intel about Esther and her shenangians to Levi, that he’s been holding back for the right moment. He may seem quiet and slow but I think he’s playing us…watch and see, he’ll end being the brains behind it all come the end. The one thing I am really hoping is that eventually, some amish/mennonite chick without her face blurred will come along, be their version of the Amish Giselle Bundchen and take all the attention away from Esther. I want to watch her cry while this chick helps Jolin wash his truck. LOL

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Question do you think they go somewhere to watch themselves on TV?

  7. 7
    caligal
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 10:14 am

    John makes Fredo look like the smart Corleone.

  8. 8
    Jenn
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 10:49 am

    OMG….caligal, you’re so right on the money! John IS the Fredo of the Amish Mafia! LOL That’s priceless…I won’t be able to watch this show now without thinking that each time I see John.

  9. 9
    JT HUNT
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 4:01 am

    Did you guys know Levi Stoltzfus is 46 years old? And, he is cousins to Kate Stoltzfus of \Breaking Amish\

  10. 10
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Ok, so I am told Levi is in his 30′s not 46. Ash–what about Esther’s babies!!!

  11. 11
    Dee Clarke
    Posted January 17, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    What is the significance of Merlin always wearing an Orange, short-sleeved shirt? I think the vest denotes his branch of the Amish (like the hat) but why the orange shirt?

  12. 12
    Fresno cali
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Aint these pussys great to watcUh two wordss fukn hillarious

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