Amish Mafia Recap: This Episode Was Brought To You By Tap-Out Clothing Gear and Other Douche-bags.

Recaps

By AshSmash | Saturday, December 22, 2012 | 6:00 am | 12 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Amish Mafia, Recaps

 We then cut to a montage of introducing Merlin. He is crazy. Hey bro, where’s King Arthur? I’m tellin y’all I got jokes for days. Merlin, lets just say I think you look cold and need a little jacket. This jacket is really nice because the sleeves lock in the back! Merry Christmas! 

Glamour shots, Amish style. 

Levi calls the gang in to talk about how they can clean up their image in the community. This where we’re introduced to PIMP MY BUGGY. I know, I know, I am excited as you are. John has to ruin my excitment by whining about money again. Suck it up John. I’m sorry your dad died, but there’s nothing you can do about it now. Just shut up. Later that day, John goes into a stall to call Merlin. He wants Merlin to win that Buggy contest so they can split the money. Really now? That is the dumbest idea in the world. Levi doesn’t like this guy and you think he’ll pick him as the winner? We all know that Levi doesn’t play fair. 

GROAN. Esther’s back with Jo. They’re sneaking off to some house to “do something” The producers probably want us to think that they’re sexing it up but I bet they’re just playing a rousing game of “Guess what girl is a Slut” and “Tell Me I’m Pretty”

It’s the day of the Pimp My Buggy! It’s cute that Esther has on a new dress and is trying to be all flirty by asking Jo to teach her about cars. And by cute I mean I want to throw up. On her shoes, because I’m classy like that. John is all worried because he doesn’t know if they’ll win. Levi goes around to inspect the buggy’s and I can’t believe that people actually spent money on this. Of course, I also spend insane amounts of money on dance so to each his own. To. Each. His. Own. 

I’d blur my face too, if I participated in something called “Pimp My Buggy”

HU-ZAH! MERLIN HAS ARRIVED. I really wish he rolled up with some bass and Push It by Salt N Peppa playing. One can only dream when you wish upon a star. OH. How awesome would it have been if he had Beyonce playing and did the Single Ladies dance. Sidenote: I wish I was Beyonce. 

Merlin is having another crazy moment and starts talking about some little boys. Hello, my name is AshSmash. Why don’t you have a seat and tell us why there was a box of 50 Magnum condoms and a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice in your pockets? Nobody wants to be like you, Merlin.

As I predicted, Merlin did not win the Buggy contest. Now everyone is pissed at John. For every comment this gets, that’s how many swirly’s John has to endure. Merlin goes crazy and says some really obscene random stuff that nobody can decipher. And that’s it for this week!

“Soooo, I’m guessing that I’m not invited to the party after the football game, right? Guys….guys?”

 

I’ll leave y’all with this: Esther….CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF. 

Love love love you guys comments! Y’all are fabulous! I hope everyone is safe and has a Merry Christmas!

Until Next Week!

-AshSmash

 

 

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AshSmash
About

Just your average college student with a guilty pleasure for reality TV. I love bacon and cheesy one liners. 

12 Comments

  1. 1
    CynTV CynTV
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Okay – I have to comment on the main photo. They look about as scary as four men waiting for a bus. That rifle doesn’t even look loaded.

    And I swear the second guy from the right is Governor Christie of New Jersey. What the hell is he doing in this show?

  2. 2
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    AMISH MAFIA – FREE VIVI! Everyone in Ohio should FREE VIVI! Just saying…

    (Love the Recap!)

  3. 3
    LilOlMe
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    I LOVE your recaps so much. You nail everything I am thinking. I always have questions as I am watching and then I forget them maybe next week I will remember them. Oh yeah aren’t they only allowed to have facial hair if they are married? How is Johnny boy sporting the goatee? Does that fall under the umbrellas of Amish without being baptized?

    And thank the lord of butter that I am not the only one that wants to jump through my TV and smack the hell out of Esther. And am I the only one that think her head covering look like weird lumps on her head like really lumpy white horns?? And John is that annoying kid who is like yeah I’m gonna take over, you’ll see someday everyone will look up to me. He just seems like all the lights are on but nobody’s home to me.

  4. 4
    Hops
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Who keeps a desk in a barn? Can’t Levi find a nice house or some place less dusty to run his empire? Nothing says kingpin like “Let’s go in the barn and talk business.” It makes me think of playing pretend as kids.

  5. 5
    Jenn
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 10:28 am

    AshSmash…you’re the best! Please, stop warning Esther. I can’t take her whinning @ss so if she walks into a landmine of her own making, I want to see it happen. I hope she and her idiot brother both get dumped out on the curb. Better yet, I’d really like to see Alvin break out of his quiet mode and go psycho on John and then dump some intel about Esther and her shenangians to Levi, that he’s been holding back for the right moment. He may seem quiet and slow but I think he’s playing us…watch and see, he’ll end being the brains behind it all come the end. The one thing I am really hoping is that eventually, some amish/mennonite chick without her face blurred will come along, be their version of the Amish Giselle Bundchen and take all the attention away from Esther. I want to watch her cry while this chick helps Jolin wash his truck. LOL

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Question do you think they go somewhere to watch themselves on TV?

  7. 7
    caligal
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 10:14 am

    John makes Fredo look like the smart Corleone.

  8. 8
    Jenn
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 10:49 am

    OMG….caligal, you’re so right on the money! John IS the Fredo of the Amish Mafia! LOL That’s priceless…I won’t be able to watch this show now without thinking that each time I see John.

  9. 9
    JT HUNT
    Posted December 29, 2012 at 4:01 am

    Did you guys know Levi Stoltzfus is 46 years old? And, he is cousins to Kate Stoltzfus of \Breaking Amish\

  10. 10
    JT HUNT
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Ok, so I am told Levi is in his 30′s not 46. Ash–what about Esther’s babies!!!

  11. 11
    Dee Clarke
    Posted January 17, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    What is the significance of Merlin always wearing an Orange, short-sleeved shirt? I think the vest denotes his branch of the Amish (like the hat) but why the orange shirt?

  12. 12
    Fresno cali
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 8:20 pm

    Aint these pussys great to watcUh two wordss fukn hillarious

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